My poonerific story part 1 and 2

[jono2007]

An Italian Bootlicker A novella by Alfred Knipe. Written by Jonathan Elbaz.


'"Hi." Says a man to the door he just opened. "I'm a salesman."

BANG!

The man behind door blew a hole threw 'is f*cking brain! HAHAHA. There my boy, is the story of your father. And guess whose house it was?'

The grandfather patted the shocked young boy's back. 'There now, it's alright. It happens to everyone. Haven't you read Death of a Salesman? It just so happens that the stuff your father was selling sucked balls, my boy! He had to be stopped!'

The boy still looked like he had seen a ghost.

"Boy this TV show sucks ass." Says Mike bored on the couch. "I'm going to get laid.'

And so he walked out the house, met his girlfriend, and they never forgot that night.

Well, a year or so later Mike was reading Death of a Salesmen, and he got an idea. He took a gun, stuck it in his mouth, and pulled the trigger. He frowned. There was a bullet in the next chamber.

"So close," He whispered. "So F*cking close."


The end. Hope you enjoyed the art, stick around for part 2 next week.



___________________

Part 2

The haunted midnight faulted upon the fluorescent lamp, that which was on in the middle of the night. There, in that corner of forsaken living room, an epic donnybrook was soon to be had. This would be no ordinary duel, by any means of the circumstances, and by any circumstances of the means. For this brawl of stakes, this rolling eternal dice, was the senseless violence that was the mind of a boy named-
“****! Mr. Felchworth, if I have to tell you to pay attention in class one more time, your ass is down the drain and into the effin’ creek! And what is this? Writing? What a ***! Class, I’d like to read you a sentence from Felchworth’s story. ‘The haunted midnight faulted upon the-
“What the hell do you call this!?” A student called Mohammed, who will be mentioned in the rest of the book because of his heritage. “Abuse! I will tell the prime minister of Afghanistan of the hell you put the students through!”
Mohammed grabbed his chair, smashed the window on the left of the room, jumped out, yelled incomprehensible words in an Islam language, and ran like a jackal.
The teacher, Mr. Rake, was not angry in the least. He had been hoping that Mohammed would leave, so he could have an all-white class and one loser which he could abuse. However many times he explained to the dean that he was not racist, and in fact ‘the colored ones shoulda stayed in Chinkerville or Louisiana’, the dean, whose name was Mr. McWeed, kept putting kids of foreign ethnicity in his classes.
Which class was this? It was wood shop, where Nak Felchworth would write stories of adventure and socialistic sophistication. Since Mr. Rake was an all-out redneck, who despised any learned talent, intelligence, and creativity, he’d occasionally congratulate a student on making a block of wood look less like a square than a rectangle.
To give you a sense of what the Rake was like, picture Larry the Cable Guy-who by the way, kicks ass, and hopefully this doesn’t affect anyone- with a hot dog stuck up his butt.
Nak, our hero, in all senses of the word, had had his share of experiences. For example, he’d once seen a dog hump a salad bowl at a party, and after getting drunk he proceeded to conflagrate the dog with cheese doodles. Dick.

Point is is that this boy has a effin’ imagination….. Hock a loogey sense humor.


__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Part 3.

Mike and Nak met up and started a club about worshipping Kilgore Trout. For those of you who don't know, unfortunately, who that is, Read Breakfast of Champions(By kurt vonnegut). Anyway, they would start by burning incense, with the smell of essence of cauliflower. Destructive rumors swept about that the two were gay. Oh my lord those were rumors. So these two started saving up money to buy guns and shoot everybody. But then they remembered all those dramatic school shootings and thought different.
"We have to kill them in a special way." flagellenated Nak. "Otherwise it will end up with us shooting ourselves, and I don't want to die before I AAA St. Scarhand. Plus, I wrote some erotic fanfic that I sent to Ashlyn Roberto, who will most likely be masturbating. Intellectual bitch."

"Nieeeeeeeece!" Mike flapped his arms in the fashion of a dude who was SO a virgin. "Dude, I have a gun."
"Really?"
"Yetz."
"We can put blanks in it and shoot up the school."
"But nobody would die, innit?"
"Yesh, but we could put squib(*a squib is a capsule containing red horse semen)s in the blanks and people would be like EEEEEWWWWWWWW!"
"Yeah okay, we'll talk 'bout dat sh*t lata homie. Right now I want to see you watch what I have in store for that intellectual slut."

They ended school, walked to Mike's house (he had a proxy that deleted all the links of all the gay porn they'd sent Mike's older brother last year while he was in France.), and went to the leet compy.

Nak took out a memory stick, plugged it in(I guess) and opened it.

Here are the files inside. There are three.

File 1:Jono2007 is a homoerotic("forget that one man" Nak said)
File 2:XXX pics mags vids free XXX girls ('We'll check that out later,' commented Mike
File 3:The file that ultimately makes this scene.

"Wow, whats with the title?"
"Nothing."

Nak clicked open the file.

It opened up, showing a picture of a dude walking down the hallway, holding a knife, about to stab a door, when all of a sudden-

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh"


"Bitch!"

To be continued.....in part 4 edit button mcWin.

[GamerShadow]

You put this together in five minutes, didn't you. I can't even begin to list what you need to fix in this chapter alone. Things like, opening and closing dialouge with actual quotation marks instead of apostrophes. Dull verbs, adjectives, and characters, as well as the lack of any real description make this boring to even think about, let alone read. I hope part 2 is exponentially better than this, because quite frankly, I am not impressed in the least bit. Maybe I'll see how much you can improve, because there is a lot of room for it.

On the sort-of brighter side, your last two sentences were slightly better than the rest. So I know you can do better than this.

[Zythus]

I guess I agree with gamer that the grammar and style used wasn't the best, but somehow interesting.

[jono2007]

Originally Posted by GamerShadow

You put this together in five minutes, didn't you. I can't even begin to list what you need to fix in this chapter alone. Things like, opening and closing dialouge with actual quotation marks instead of apostrophes. Dull verbs, adjectives, and characters, as well as the lack of any real description make this boring to even think about, let alone read. I hope part 2 is exponentially better than this, because quite frankly, I am not impressed in the least bit. Maybe I'll see how much you can improve, because there is a lot of room for it.

On the sort-of brighter side, your last two sentences were slightly better than the rest. So I know you can do better than this.

Hahahaha, I doubt anybody will get this.

Have you ever heard of Un Chien Andalou?

Forza in the style.

[xinpig]

this story really isnt that good

[NFD]

I liked that one part, where that one guy, did that one thing with that one girl.

[devonin]

Nobody says the literature in this forum has to be good literature. You can give constructive criticism all you like, but "Omg you suck" is just trolling, so knock it off.

Also, jono, One thread. Your "parts" are barely a paragraph each, you absolutely don't need a new thread for each one. The edit button is your friend.

[NFD]

I wrote a story when I was in 6th grade VERY similar to Death Note, and I had never seen or heard of it, maybe I'll post it later.

[GamerShadow]

Originally Posted by devonin

Nobody says the literature in this forum has to be good literature. You can give constructive criticism all you like, but "Omg you suck" is just trolling, so knock it off.

Also, jono, One thread. Your "parts" are barely a paragraph each, you absolutely don't need a new thread for each one. The edit button is your friend.

Adding to the suggestion concerning one thread that devonin made:

What I like to do is make a new post for each section of the story that I am writing. Then, I link to the post containing the part of the story in my Original post. It saves people to trouble of reading the entire thread and searching for the next part, AND it saves the people from having to scroll down a super long first page. Two birds with one stone. =)

And yeah, I was kinda harsh. But I seriously think you can do better than part 1.

I will edit this if I get around to reading part 2.

[jono2007]

Originally Posted by GamerShadow

Adding to the suggestion concerning one thread that devonin made:

What I like to do is make a new post for each section of the story that I am writing. Then, I link to the post containing the part of the story in my Original post. It saves people to trouble of reading the entire thread and searching for the next part, AND it saves the people from having to scroll down a super long first page. Two birds with one stone. =)

And yeah, I was kinda harsh. But I seriously think you can do better than part 1.

I will edit this if I get around to reading part 2.

Read part 2 and 3.

[GamerShadow]

Sense: These parts make none. They are written a bit better than the first part, I will give you that. But how in the world does Part 2 relate to Part 1?

[jono2007]

Originally Posted by GamerShadow

Sense: These parts make none. They are written a bit better than the first part, I will give you that. But how in the world does Part 2 relate to Part 1?

didya read part 3 chomo?

It conjugates the two main characters.