Here's another one.

[Aduro_Animus]

Rhyme scheme is ABCDB. I had a hard time ending this poem so I have to apologize.


"Goodbye"
Tonight was my goodbye to us,
My vigil to our broken hearts.
I put everything to do with you away,
And now, at least, I know where I can find you,
And all your broken parts.

I packed that simple white box full,
Stuffed with breakup attempts and crumpled notes.
But the train tickets stood out the most,
All those Saturday mornings, anticipating you,
Passing by the ocean, with all its drifting boats.

All those abandoned break up notes,
I should have given them to you to prevent this.
I could have spared you so much hurt,
I could have spared your battered heart,
I should have told you something was amiss.

And I’m scared to admit that I miss your touch,
I miss your hands being held in mine,
The rise and fall of your chest as you were breathing.
I haven’t forgotten how everything felt, although I wish I could,
And even now, it seems, I can feel our fingers intertwine.

This inner torment that I have created is tearing me apart,
It all hurts so much, but I’m the only one to blame.
None of this is your doing; you didn’t deserve this at all.
I’m simply the most self-centered person you’ll ever meet,
But now that you’re gone, all my days seem the same.

[d1skr33t]

Wow Aduro your poems continue to impress me. Like your other poem its quite sad and the message is very clear. Keep up the great work

One question though, where did the boats come from? >< :P

[All_That_Chaz]

I don't know. The message seems a bit skewed because "something was amiss" but then you spend the entire fourth stanza reminiscing about very close physical images of him. Then in the fifth stanza you switch gears and talk about how you blame yourself. You definitely need to spend more time there if that's the crux of the poem.

As far as improvements, why don't you explore a couple areas? Take us into an attempted break up note. Recreate a scene with the two of you where "something was amiss." Something to tell us why you blame yourself and why he's so blind to noticing that anything is wrong. The fourth stanza should either be removed or you should discuss why these physical images make you sad.

I'm also confused by the image of the drifting boats. It could symbolize someone being alone, drifting in a massive ocean, but I'm not sure. Also perhaps it has to do with the "crumpled notes" since you're pretty good at using rhyme here to draw things together.

-Chaz

[NarutoFoxDemon]

Emo poems.