A random poem I made up for my english class.

[25thhour]

Winter is here
the weather is clear
the air is so crisp and cold

The mountains are covered
the trees are smothered
it’s like they’re being all dressed in gold

Hitting the slopes
i know just how to cope
it makes me feel so bold

My board is all waxed
i’m ready to go
off to the hills
to my kind of freedom

Open to all kinds of criticism but if possible don't be a complete dick, I'm not that good of a writer.

[virus003]

Better than anything I can write, for some reason, I've never been a good writer, usually end up with a C in English every semester because of huge writing assignments. I always usually know what I'm talking about, I can never just write it out right.

None the less, good poem.

What does your poem exactly have to be about anyways? I'm just gonna assume it has to be about anything related to winter.

[25thhour]

It is mainly about snowboarding but can be relatable to most winter sports.

[All_That_Chaz]

Not a bad first draft but this needs a rewrite. Your rhythm can be much tighter. Your diction is pretty low, but for a poem about snowboarding I can look past that. There's no punctuation anywhere which wasn't a problem for me outside of the last stanza, but it's something to consider. I'm not in love with your decisions on capitalization, but at least you're consistent.

Specific stuff:
1) First stanza is okay outside of capitalization and punctuation issues.
2) Take out "it's like" in the third line of the second stanza. The line magically fits the rhythm when you do that. I don't really understand the simile either way, though. How are trees golden when there's snow on them? You don't need to expand on the idea necessarily due to the whimsical nature of brevity of this limerick-ish meter. I might think of a different way of saying what it is you want to say.
3) Take out "just" in the second line of the third stanza. This makes the line fit the rhythm. However I don't really get what you're saying. What are you coping with?
4) The fourth stanza breaks completely with the nice rhythm you set up. Was there a reason for that? I would continue with your pattern.

Thanks for sharing .

[kitkat9]

I like your sweet and simple rhymning, until the last stanza. I completely agree with everything All_That_Chaz said, and I also feel that you can expand on the topic a little more. Go into how you feel when you're riding, maybe explain what you're coping with. Just expanding and adding a few more stanzas could eliminate the issues with the last stanza, give you more room to really tell a story, and it could become more visual which is always nice in poetry.

I didn't really think you needed punctuation until the last stanza and now I look at it and I think you need to throw in some punctuation. Show where the breaks are and make it more friendly to the eye. Chaz said he wasn't too happy with your capitalization, but I feel it's fine, but if you add periods then that will change. It only bugs me that you left "i" uncapitalized, uncapitalization can be a tool when writing to have a more visual impact, but I didn't see how it fit. Typo?

Nice, sweet, expand. I had fun reading

[25thhour]

Winter is here,
the weather is clear,
the air is so crisp and cold.

The mountains are covered,
the trees are smothered
It’s like they’re being all dressed in gold.

Hitting the slopes,
I know how to cope.
It makes me so consoled.

Flying down the hill,
showing off my skill.
It makes me feel so bold.

I know that noon,
will come too soon
and I will be withhold.

But my board is all waxed
I’m ready to go,
off to the hills
to my kind of freedom again.


Is this a tad bit better?
I kept the smile because I need figuative and literary devices

[Coolboyrulez0]

I personally enjoyed your revision... but In stanza 5, line 3 isn't withhold supposed to withheld due to the time you're writing in?
(I understand it's there for rhyming purposes but maybe you should revise that snippet again)

Once again, for one who prefers prose to poems this was relatively nice to read do to it's simplistic beauty. Nice job.

[25thhour]

Originally Posted by Coolboyrulez0

I personally enjoyed your revision... but In stanza 5, line 3 isn't withhold supposed to withheld due to the time you're writing in?
(I understand it's there for rhyming purposes but maybe you should revise that snippet again)

Once again, for one who prefers prose to poems this was relatively nice to read do to it's simplistic beauty. Nice job.

Thanks for the compliments everyone

Im still trying to review that line but they're are not that many words thats rhyme with Bold, and the good ones are all used up ;P

[Coolboyrulez0]

Originally Posted by 25thhour

Thanks for the compliments everyone

Im still trying to review that line but they're are not that many words thats rhyme with Bold, and the good ones are all used up ;P

scold, sold, mold, fold, told, old etc

[25thhour]

Originally Posted by Coolboyrulez0

scold, sold, mold, fold, told etc

Lol, I looked up a list of words and the only ones that fit were withhold (held) and some of the ones I used.

Cold might fit but it wont make as much sense IMO

[kitkat9]

Originally Posted by 25thhour

Winter is here,
the weather is clear,
the air is so crisp and cold.

The mountains are covered,
the trees are smothered
It’s like they’re being all dressed in gold.

Hitting the slopes,
I know how to cope.
It makes me so consoled.

Flying down the hill,
showing off my skill.
It makes me feel so bold.

I know that noon,
will come too soon
and I will be withhold.

But my board is all waxed
I’m ready to go,
off to the hills
to my kind of freedom again.

Ok I like the revisions, sounds much better, here are a few things you can change:

First Stanza: The last line is a little wordy, either take out "is" or "so"(maybe you could try parallelism, "the air, so crisp so cold.")

Second Stanza: If you look at the first word on each line you have "The" starting your lines 4 times in a row. I think you could simply eliminate the last two the's and have it "Mountains are covered, trees are smothered." Then the last line "It’s like they’re being all dressed in gold." I think you can take out "It's" and "all".

Third and Fourth Stanza: The last two lines are almost identical, is that supposed to be like that? For the fourth stanza, last line, I would suggest changing it to "making me feel so bold."

Fifth Stanza: I think the in the second line instead of "too" you could place quite. Then it would be like "will come quite soon" it give it more of that light bouncy feel.

Sixth Stanza: Ok, to me this stanza is the problem stanza, it breaks not only your flow but stanza consistency. What do you think about this edit?:

My board is waxed
I’m ready, heading for hills
to my kind of freedom once more.

I'm a little iffy about the second line but I does flow better than the original.

These are just suggestions, take what you will from it. Hope it helps.

[25thhour]

Third Revision -

Winter is here,
the weather is clear,
the air, so crisp and cold.

Mountains are covered,
trees are smothered,
like they’re being dressed in gold.

Hitting the slopes,
I know how to cope.
It makes me so consoled.

Flying down the hill,
showing off my skill.
Making me feel so bold.

I know that noon,
will come quite soon
and I will be withhold.

But my board is waxed.
I'm already to go,
escape to my freedom once more.


Thank you so much Kit kat. How do you think the last stanza looks?

[kitkat9]

Originally Posted by 25thhour

Thank you so much Kit kat. How do you think the last stanza looks?

Hey no problem I love to help out. It really is looking good! Lol made great improvement in a day! Just remember nothing is ever finished

[25thhour]

Originally Posted by kitkat9

Hey no problem I love to help out. It really is looking good! Lol made great improvement in a day! Just remember nothing is ever finished

Well, it's finished when I hand it in. Lol

[sakura080789]

i really like this alot better than the stuff i have wrote

[25thhour]

Originally Posted by sakura080789

i really like this alot better than the stuff i have wrote

Thanks

[rushyrulz]

Winter is here,
the weather is clear,
the air, so crisp and cold.

Mountains are covered,
trees are smothered,
like they’re being dressed in gold.

Hitting the slopes,
I know how to cope.
It makes me so consoled.

Flying down the hill,
showing off my skill.
Making me feel so bold.

I know that noon,
will come quite soon
and I will be withhold.

But my board is waxed.
I'm already to go,
escape to my freedom once more.

I made a few changes:

Winter is here,
the weather is clear,
the air, so crisp and cold.

The mountains are covered,
The trees are all smothered,
Like being dressed in gold. <- this line makes no sense since snow is white?
Nature's true beauty be told. *replacement suggestion

Hitting the slopes,
I know how to cope.
It makes me feel consoled.

Flying down the hill,
showing off my skill.
Making me feel so bold. <- This stanza kinda breaks the flow, but it's alright I guess.

NOTE: 2 stanzas in a row ending in something along the lines of "it makes me feel" is a no-no. Perhaps end the first one in "All my grief consoled"

*Flying down hills
Showing my skills
It makes me feel so bold.* Replacement suggestion

I know that noon,
will come quite soon
and I will be withheld. <- Slant rhyme to correct the grammartastrophe
OR: My fun to be put on hold.

But my board is waxed.
I'm all ready to go,
To escape to my freedom once more. <- escape to my freedom seems like an odd phrase

Escape into freedom
Escape to my yearning
Escape to my passion
Escape to the mountain <- my favorite
Escape to the hillside
Escape to my longing
etc.

EDIT: totally just realized that the last line breaks the rhyme scheme. Maybe something like "As my journey begins to unfold."

[rushyrulz]

Double post for the sake of organization:

My revised edition:

Winter is here,
the weather is clear,
the air, so crisp and cold.

The mountains are covered,
The trees are all smothered,
Nature's true beauty be told.

Hitting the slopes,
I know how to cope.
All my grief consoled.

Flying down hills
Showing my skills
It makes me feel so bold.

I know that noon,
will come quite soon
My fun to be put on hold.

But my board is waxed.
I'm all ready to go,
As my journey begins to unfold.