A work in progress.

[GamerShadow]

A work in progress I decided to make after a fairly warm August night. Criticism and comments please. Improvements will be made if you are specific enough.

Untitled

The epitome of beauty once caught his eye
As the autumn breeze first began to swell.
The entity of passion once engulfed his heart,
Distorting his merely human mind,
Decieving his every sense.
Violent tempests once raged within him;
The orchestra of lightning surging in every nerve.
The message was crystal clear in his head,
She didn't care.
She never would.

As the unrelenting winter withered away,
As the spring blossoms popped to joyful summer,
The epitome of beauty still caught his eye,
The entity of passion still engulfed his heart,
Decieving, distorting, dividing.
Luck soon rained conflict on his discombobulated mind,
when he unearthed a surprising gem of a fact.
She did care.
She always would.

The storms resumed their wrathful rage,
The orchestra continued its distorted symphony,
For reasons unknown, he said nothing,
Simply staring at the angelic face of glory.
When life had offered itself to him on a silver platter
He couldn't tell it was there.
Blinded, stunned, confused,
The epitome of beauty didn't catch his eye,
The entity of passion didn't engulf his heart.
She didn't care.
She never would.

The moons rose as the suns fell,
As his world dizzily spun,
Reorienting itself so that he may find
His way back to the path of light.
Time strutted by until the leaves began to fall,
Cascading by, like the one shot he had failed to fire.
He returned to the place where he and she coexisted,
The epitome of beauty once again caught his eye,
The entity of passion once again engulfed his heart.
He had solved the mystery,
Which had confused him for so long.
She did care.
She always would.

He knew the risks he had to take.
He knew the choices he had to make.
Only one obstacle remained,
And he would smash it down,
To be bound in an all-powerful force
With the one he so desperately desired.

Or so he thought.

The hour arrived upon him,
And it was time to seal the deal.
He thought his stairway to heaven was clear,
But when he was to begin the acension,
As he gazed into her eyes,
Reality dug its icy claws into his back.
The crystal stairs disappeared;
The obstacle still remained.
His lips were sealed shut as he fell
A thousand miles down into hell.

The inferno surrounded him in his prison
As his broken mind attempted to pick up the pieces
And mend itself for another day.
The epitome of beauty still caught his eye,
The entity of passion still engulfed his heart,
But the message came to him without mistake.
She didn't care.
She never would.

Battered, beaten, broken,
He climbed his way out of the abyss.
Cursing as he realized he had failed twice,
As he discovered his world had left him behind.
Even in his deplorable state,
He still retained something which could never truly die,
The epitome of beauty still caught his eye,
The entity of passion still engulfed his heart.
He hoped that
She did care.
She always would.

As trees recovered their leaves,
As the sweltering sun returned,
He returned to the origin of all his experiences,
Reborn from the ashes of his failures two.
Amidst the sea of fish he found her under one night sky,
Bound to another in an all-powerful force,
Locked in a joyful embrace.
Instantly he vanished from the ocean,
To find himself in the desert
Alone.
She didn't care.
She never would.

And with a bitter final frost to his heart,
Reality finished the job it had been sent to do.
His eyes clamped shut as his fists tightened,
As his mind unified in its last hopeless cause.
He didn't care.
He never would.
Never again.

[blackbuterfly451]

It started off strong but then came repetitive and lost its meaning. It's tough to write about something so cliched and most people don't want to read the same thing over and over, so keep it short. Try going through it again and taking out phrases that are just "fluff" in the poem, that would probably make it better.

[GamerShadow]

Elaborating on what is not needed in the poem would be awesome. I did take out some phrases which I thought were unnecessary, but something like 90% of the original poem remains.

[blackbuterfly451]

Originally Posted by GamerShadow

The epitome of beauty once caught his eye
As the autumn breeze first began to swell.

It would make the poem less awkward (and seem shorter) if you combined phrases.

Originally Posted by GamerShadow

As trees recovered their leaves,
As the sweltering sun returned,

You use "as" to start a lot of the sentences and that also breaks up the flow.

Also, never start sentences / phrases with "and," it's not proper grammar.

The repetition of the "didn't care, never would" takes away from the plot (do poems have plots?) of the poem. Instead of focusing on what's happening, you're distracted by that repetition. (this is just my opinion though.)

What stays in the poem is up to you. You're the writer and you know the message you're trying to relay with your writing so do that, just refine what you're saying into something more concise to keep the reader's attention.

Hope that helped.

[Verruckter]

grammar rules... lol. You can actually take away from some grammar (as long as you keep the basics, like the its/it's or whatever).

And poems do have plots, and they've had them since the dawn of literature (Iliad, Odyssey, also Rime of the Ancient Mariner, etc)