Flasion

[Lightknight924]

Chapter 1
A Meeting Of Secrecy



The path was dark. Bare. With a dense fog to hide it. I walk along this path in the woods of Kilagar. My destination was wherever it lead. I swiftly trot along this dark, thin, dirt path in these gloomy woods. Animals of night spy on me as I see my way through the Kilgarwoods. A village lay hidden somewhere within these woods. Only the emperor knew of it's whereabouts. Hoping no nocturnal animals would attack, I stopped near a tree and a mushroom about the size of a christmas tree. The tree, being large, tall, and thick stood as a sheild of this swift, on-rolling fog. I was very hungry. I sit down under the mushroom and take out a chunk of slightly molded bread. I smirked at my dinner. It was dark, late. I was tired. With the large bright moon as my night-light. I lay down under the mushroom, close my eyes, and fall asleep.

"Ah, general Tps, you have arrived. Alas."

"Yes, my lord" said the general.

"Tell me, did you send the message to....."

He paused, looked around the room at the guards and the two soldiers that accompanied the general.

"Him."

"I have, he will be most delighted emporer."wispered Tps.

"Good, then it will not be too long before we.....commence our plan."

"Emperor Tasselfoot, my lord, we did run into someone, or something on our way to Li-"

The emporer interrupted the general in a deep raspy voice. "What!!?!?" "What, who, a spy of the enemy?" asked Emporer Tasselfoot
very demandingly.

"We are na-not sure, not li-likely. You see, he wa-was heading Northeast to the Kil-Kilgarwoods" stuttered general.

" He was unarmed, w-we checked. He asked where he was....."

"Did you tell him?" asked the emporer.

"We told him.....that he was in PumblePlains heading south to Esupilake." stated the general in fear of the emporer's action to the statement.

"Hmm....." "My lord, in your honor I, personally will investigate this travelor. I will go alone and spy upon him. I will make sure he is not working for Chardish" mumbled Tps.

"Nonesense, you will regroup with the others, I shall send Aperson to summon evilbutterfly and his followers" demanded emperor.

"Ah, the DarkSpooky's, a wise clan they are, th-the greatest my lord" spattered general.

"Go now, call for Aperson, tell him of his newly assinged quest. Tell him I sent you. He cannot refuse the emporer's wishes. Go now."

"Right away my lord."

The general bowed to the emporer and then left the large Throne Room built of marble. He walked down the Golden Hallway and found his way to the exit. The guards opened the doors which where platinum. General Tps walked out and marched down the palace steps of gold. He reached the bottem moments later and walked down the long pathway to the already opened gates where the guards stood waiting for his pass. The gates closed as he exited the Palace estate. Hopped on his Parriok and flew Northwest to the BahamusMountains. Carefully, he watched as flew over The Werewoods. He heard howls and screams. Flying inches above the trees, he looked foward and saw the small mountain village of Afroban.

[nickadeemus]

Such. Choppy. Sentences. Oh. My. God.

[Tasselfoot]

have yet to read it... but PLEASE learn how to break up your paragraphs for easy reading. That jumps out at me without even reading... ask your English teacher for some help if you need to, but you really should know how to write a story before attempting to write a story (from the layout perspective, that is).

[sleeplessdragn]

I read the first paragraph and started thinking about text command games and Grues.

Interesting perspective for a story.

[Lightknight924]

So I should break sentences out more for easy reading instead of cluttering them into paragraphs? Like the way Mal breaks apart the character talking? I really can't ask my teacher right now for proper sentence structuring because we're doing a huge unit on Poetry, then straight to the studying for the 8th grade NYS Exams.

I'd be more than happy to be tought proper storylining. If anyones willing to teach me. :\

I'll pretty much sum it up for you if you couldn't understand it because of the cluttering. Basically, Tass is the emporer of an empire known as Tassakin. Tps is the general of Tass's army. The two countries known as Tassakin & Charidan are at war. More will be explained about that in Chapter 2: The Mystery In The Mountains. That is, if you think I should continue. Tps has to deliver a message from the emporer to Aperson in the BahamutMountains. Aperson is directed to summon the DarkSpookys. You'll also find more about them soon if I should continue. As for the sentence structuring. Please teach me the correct way unless this example is good enough. Example:

The army cried a roar that shook the skies.

"Pace it to them! Attack for what they have done!" demanded Eyoshi.

The army let out a Rah! and charged forth the beaches of Tassakin. The clouds began to thunder as the Chardirans plowed through the waves and onto the rough heavy sand. Already the fort fired out brakons as the arrows from the arcers on the fort walls followed them. The sand flew towrds the sky when the brakons hit them knocking down soldiers that passed it. Brakon explosions ran down the beach and towards the ships.

"Look out!" a bystander on the ship screamed as a brakon smashed onto the boat and destroyed the back end.

"Head for the walls! Head for the fort walls!"

"Mines general Eyoshi! The fort is surely to be surronded with-"

Already before the soldier could finish soldiers exploded into the air. The sand was painted red with their blood. The swords of the brave Tassakins pointed towrads the beaches as general Tps and his army charged the beaches to end the battle and hold their strong point of Fort Mr.Giggles.


How is that? Should I continue with the story?

[Tps222]

Ok. Didn't see what it was like before hand, but overall it isn't bad. I don't stutter that much IRL there DJ, only on the beginning of sentances when I am talking fast. Twista ain't got nothing on me. Anyways, try to be a bit more descriptive, and you need to learn better sentence structure, which, unfortunately is hard to teach.

[MalReynolds]

In a word; gimmicky. But it is nice to see some FanFiction come into play on FFR.

I really think you're onto an interesting concept. I know all of the people on here will be really happy to be referenced or given importance in a story, so kudos for that.

The main thing that seems to be driving the piece down a few notches? The shortness of the sentences. I'm not very good at writing long, elaborate explanations either, which often times leads me to write run-on sentences such as this one.

The action is very tight and concise, but once again, you need to find a way to increase the length of your sentences.

That being said, I'm not sure what grade you're in. But so far, pretty nice. I'd like to see where the storyline is heading at this point.

A few minor grammar tics here and there (I'm so bad at grammar; ask anyone who proofs my stories for fun) detract, but not monumentally.

Tentative C+/B-.

Mal

EDIT: You also switch from first to omniscient third narrative. That's a big no-no in literature unless you signify that you're changing subjects. For instance, in the first paragraph, the action centers around "you". But, the next paragraph, after "you" fall asleep, it switches entirely. I would put some kind of symbol (For instance, a dash "-") in between the lines of the narrative switch. You're spacing out your paragraphs, yes, but the change of narrative is distracting.

[sente3]

Sounds good so far, I like the speech especialy.

[Lightknight924]

Chapter 2
The Trail Of The Mounatins


I awoke to find myself laying on a broken branch. I sat up, opened my backpack, and pulled out the last of my molded bread. I bit into it making a crunch sound. It was cold and very disgusting. I finally managed to swallow it and it made me think of the nice hot meal I used to eat back at home. I missed my friends and haven't seen my colleagues for a long time. I missed them all as well as my family. It would be the end of the first semester soon. I wonder if I'd be expelled from Miami University for not attrnding any of my classes for a month. Though I cannot do anything about that. I'm in this unknown place. The rest of my classmates died on impact. If only we had left to go orbit Jupiter on our class trip a minute later or a minute sooner. Knowing that whining would get me nowhere I sat up and walked down the path some more. It was sunny today. Not a cloud to be found in the sky. The path was much more clear than the previous night. I walked down the path as it steeply became a hill. That made an opening in the trees for me to see what was ahead. In the distance, I saw smoke rise from the distance. I was astonished that I finally met someone besides that strange man the other day. I began to run down the path to see what lie ahead.

A mighty wind blew against the mountains of Bahamut. General Tps hopped off his Perrik and looked up at a long steep mountain trail.

"Excellent." he muttered in disgust.

He began to walk up the steep rocky path. Exhuasted, he finally made it to the top of this long trail and followed it to a cabin resting by a large rock wall which provided it shade. He went up to it and knocked on the door.

"Aperson!"

"Aperson it's general Tps. I have a message from the emperor for you."

The door opened slightly with a hand reaching out and grabbing the letter. Then closing the door all in one motion. General knew that if Aperson knew he truely was a Tassakin then he would reveal himself.
The door opened and there stood a figure with a black mask on his head. On this mask was a cross and an eye above it. The sign of the DarkSpooky.

"Aperson, I must know. Tell me where the location of Evilbutterfly."

"No."

"You have been summoned by the emperor, you cannot refuse! Tell me where eb is! I have been told that you know his location. Now tell me of it."

"Evilbutterfly is safe, unheard, and not bothered. That is the way he shall remain."

"Emperor Tasselfoot has commanded me to find him! This is not up to you Apersonius Alakaris!"

The door slammed shut tightly.

"MountRidder." Aperson said from the inside of the mountain cabin.

"Ofcourse." muttered Tps. looking towards the Northeast.

A tall mountain spirraled highest amongst the rest.

General Tps trotted down the steep path from which he came up from and without hesitation hopped on his Perrik. Within it's ears he whispered:

"Come now Nazaroth, fly forth to the mountain that spirals highest amongst the rest. Soar the skies as you once did in your prime."

General grasped firmly Nazaroth's shoulders and flew off towards MountRidder.

I walked off the path and down to seven bushes that lined up. I could smell the smoke. I pulled apart the bushes and to my amazement, a village lay ahead. This was not any village, it was very extroadinary. It lay within vines up high in a tree. A celebration was at hand. A large bonfire.

Closest to the fire stood a man and a horse laughing and telling jokes. Other animals stood together and chatted as well. All singing, children playing, elders telling stories. I creeped up to the tree and climbed up to the village. Crawled behind a home made of branches and sticks. Kneeled into a pile of pine-needles. I watched the man and the horse talk. They stopped. Suddenly, the horse stood up on it's higne legs. My eyes glowed when I saw what happened.
He morphed right then and there. Starting with the legs, then the arms,head, and finally the body. He morphed into a human. Then he muttered:

"All out."

"Yep, i'm going to go now for a dive I guess." mumbled the man next to the morphing horse-man.

I followed him down the tree and into the woods. Moments later he arrived at a large pond. He Stripped down his clothes and dived in the pond.
Minutes later I saw movement in the water. Out off the water came an animal, a cat. It ran towards my direction. Scared, I stepped back snapping a twig under my foot. The cat looked at me. I froze. It ran towards me and pounced at me. Knocking me to the ground. I hit my head on a rock as everything went black.

"An outsider."

"Take him to the village."

[Bodom13]

bleh..im too lazy to read it all... =.=
so all i can say is good job on length...? i dunno

[Lightknight924]

Thank you.....for what it's worth. >,>

The action starts kicken in about chapter 4.

[Bodom13]

Originally Posted by Lightknight924

Thank you.....for what it's worth [b]>>

my opinion isent really worth much....

sucks...

[Lightknight924]

All your opinions are worthy to me. By saying good job on the length, I know that I did decent enough for a true chapter. As for the set out and detailing, I'll leave that to Mal, Tass, Tps, or anyone else who'd like to contribute.

[Chromer]

Good job. I better be in there next chapter though.

Edit: Post 2100.

[Lightknight924]

Convinient, your actually in the 3rd chapter. Chromernitros City.

Edit* A perrik is a 10 foot eagle with dragon like wings and a dragons head. Just the eagles fur.

[sente3]

Ending is good, cant wait to see what they do in the village.

[aperson]

Why the fuck am I involved in this.

[MalReynolds]

Originally Posted by aperson

Why the fuck am I involved in this.

Could it be because you're one of the more recognized posters on this site? Three options:

1: Continue to complain about it.
2: Realize that you're so above the FFRForums that it's embarassing to be associated with it, and thusly leave.
3: Get over it and find it amusing that a new user thought highly enough of you to be included in one of his stories.

Mal

[Lightknight924]

Thank you mal,

Chapter 3
The Mountain And The Rocks




The wind blew on general Tps's face as he pushed his way past the great large rocks of the mountain. He hadn't climbed the mountain yet and was still at the bottom. If what Aperson sai was true then the DarkSpooky's would be hidden in the summit of MountRidder. He grabbed onto a rock and pulled up onto a ledge. Walked up another steep rocky path. He grunted as he climbed higher amongst the mountain.
Then later when he could finally see the summit, he jumped up onto a cliff ledge and pulled up onto it. Placed his foot on a ledge and pushed off of that. Crackle crackle, he paused. Craaaack! The ledge collapsed and fell and took him with it. Falling he knew that he failed the emperor. He failed Tassakin. Most of all, he failed himself. The rocks drew closer, he shut his eyes, and waited for it to happen.
-----

"Captain, it is late and the men and I are very tired. May we rest please?" A young soldier pleaded.

"There will be no resting untill dawn. Tassakins spy at night." the captain replied.

The army marched upon the plains of Guido. They were on they're way to the emperress city of Jurs. They had a message from the forest of newabies.

*The army is from Jurkai and Jurs is the Emperess. Jurkai= other country than Tassakin.

[Moogy]

1. This is the lamest thing ever
B. If I'm in it I'm suing you
3. If I'm in it I'll get LD to ban you
D. I really will