Heart-Shaped Passion (Love Poem)

[chunky_cheese]

So I wrote this for my girlfriend, any comments?

The picture was taken by our very own sarahxjane.

[xXCornersXx]

Its good, but the tongue part... kind of throws it off. But none the less, she will think its very sweet and will love you for it =]

[Wintergreen]

Hrm... your punctuation and grammar are off... To prevent run-on sentences, I suggest the use of emdashes. Once you start using 'nor', don't go back to 'no'. The use of the word 'is' in the first sentence makes it sound as if everyone feels the same thing when they look in her eyes. But that seems wrong, since this it's something that's supposed to be very personal to yourself and your feelings about her. I suggest using 'I' instead.

Nothing in the world - no sunset nor
rise, nor glistening star in the sky -
can match what I found in your
eyes.

I won't go through the whole thing, but I think you should definitely proof-read it.

The last phrase... 'a rose by any other name would smell as sweet' (Romeo and Juliet?)... it has nothing to do with the rest of the poem. I have no idea why you used it.

She'll love you more for sharing it than for writing it. u.n

[mead1]

Your punctuation is terrible. Overuse of commas, what other people have said, etc. etc.

The poem itself doesn't flow. Try reading it aloud and see if the rhymes fall into place. Unless you're inserting random pauses, they won't.

It's pretty clear, especially in the last stanza that you're using words simply for the sake of rhyming. That last line is like the worst addition to any poem ever. It doesn't flow at all and it adds nothing. If you want my opinion, scrap the whole thing and write her something she can't find on a hallmark card. If you want advice you might actually follow, replace the last line with something that makes sense. It will still be really terrible and cliche and boring, but she won't care.

0/10 stop writing etc.