Machine Gun Symphony: An Excerpt Pt. I

[Chromer]

Seeing as how I love having my literature torn apart by the Hack Formerly Known As Fojar, here's an excerpt from my novel-in-progress, Machine Gun Symphony.


Chapter I: Locked and Loaded
Section III

"Now, over the years, my superiors have told me to be more "hands-on" and less "lecture-like." So we will be doing something more interactive," started Mr. Cherwan.

The class' attention snapped into focus at this semi-exciting news.

"So instead of a lecture, this will be a free-response discussion," finished Mr. Cherwan.

The class all moaned at the same time.

"Shut it," snapped Mr. Cherwan as the class immediately quieted down.

Mr. Cherwan began to walk through the middle aisle of all the tables with his hands behind his back.

"We will not be discussing such trivial things such as volcanoes or the rainforest. Today, the topic of the question is..."

Mr. Cherwan paused for a moment.

"The question I pose to you people is how has the Daimones War affected the surrounding environment of the ghost city of Aston and the current Chronos City?" said Mr. Cherwan wolfishly.

The class sat in silence. It was a question that none of them were prepared to answer. Mr. Cherwan looked around in delight at the horrified faces.

"Since no one is volunteering to talk, I'll call on you to answer. Also, if you give me a wrong answer, you can kiss fifty points off your first test goodbye."

The class all cringed in horror at the sentence. Without even yelling, Mr. Cherwan could make an entire class of students' blood run cold. Mr. Cherwan gave off the vibe of a person who was used to being quite commanding and it definitely showed. Mr. Cherwan looked at a small boy with blonde hair and round frame glasses.

"Mr. Freedman, an answer please?"

The boy looked nervous for a moment and then spoke.

"The war made the environment bad?" said the boy in a high-pitched, half-hoping voice.

Mr. Cherwan looked at him and began to clap loudly.

"The war made the environment bad. After years in advancing our knowledge of science on Earth since the end of the war and the best you could answer was with a pathetic cause as that. Mr. Freedman, you know that test we are going to take next class?" asked Mr. Cherwan.

The boy slowly nodded.

"You now have a 50, considering you even manage to score that high," finished Mr. Cherwan.

The boy's face dropped and he put his head down on the desk.

"Ok, the next victim will be..." started Mr. Cherwan as he searched his list of names on his clipboard. "Ah, Mr. Machina. Please grace us with your answer."

The class turned around in their seats to listen. Kei put his head back and looked at the ceiling.

"The guy who said that the war made the environment bad was not wrong. He just worded it incorrectly." said Kei.

Mr. Cherwan sat on the front of his desk.

"Worded incorrectly? Then please correct his mistake Mr. Machina," said Mr. Cherwan.

Kei sat up in his chair and folded his hands.

"The Daimones War, on a global scale, destroyed the ozone layer that surrounds this planet by the extreme use of the M-108 Ultraviolet bomb. The intense bursts ultraviolet light eroded away the very thing that protects us from the suns light," finished Kei.

"Very interesting deduction Mr. Machina. However, it fails to answer my question. You have lost 50..." started Mr. Cherwan.

"I'm not finished," said Kei. "How this relates to us is the fact that Aston was the second most bombed city in the Daimones War. Not only did this basically destroy the ozone from the above the city, the ultraviolet light destroyed all vegetation and fauna that inhabited Aston. So to answer your question plainly Mr Cherwan, the war destroyed the ozone layer from around Aston and Chronos City, and made the environment and food sources unusable," finished Kei.

The class remained silent for about a moment.

"Correct Mr. Machina. Since you gave the right answer, I will only deduct 25 points because of your concern for another classmate's semantics," said Mr. Cherwan as he turned towards the blackboard.

Kei threw his hands up in half disgust and frustration and put his head down for the rest of class.

"That was wrong of Mr. Cherwan to take points away from you for giving a right answer," said Hannah as she bit into her slice of pizza.

Kei shrugged and lazily poked at his ketchup-covered french fries while in the lunch room. Suddenly, a small hand tapped Kei on the shoulder. Kei turned around to see the small boy named Freedman standing behind him.

"Yeah?" asked Kei shifting his body around.

"Uh, thanks for helping me out in class this morning," said the boy. "My name is Thomas Freedman, but everyone calls me Tim for short.

"Don't worry about," said Kei smiling. "Someone needed to put that bastard in his place."

Depending on how this goes over with you guys, I'll decide if I'll put an excerpt from Chapter II up.

[FoJaR]

Originally Posted by Chromer

Seeing as how I love having my literature torn apart by the Hack Formerly Known As Fojar, here's an excerpt from my novel-in-progress, Machine Gun Symphony.

not a hack, still named fojar.

Chapter I: Locked and Loaded
Section III

"Now, over the years, my superiors have told me to be more "hands-on" and less "lecture-like." So we will be doing something more interactive," started Mr. Cherwan.

if they've been telling him for years, why is he just starting now?

The class' attention snapped into focus at this semi-exciting news.

that sounds akward, more like the class snapped to attention.

"So instead of a lecture, this will be a free-response discussion," finished Mr. Cherwan.

The class all moaned at the same time.

"Shut it," snapped Mr. Cherwan as the class immediately quieted down.

first, why would he need to say shut it if the class was already quieting down? second, "shut it" only works when you're talking to one person.

Mr. Cherwan began to walk through the middle aisle of all the tables with his hands behind his back.

"We will not be discussing such trivial things such as volcanoes or the rainforest. Today, the topic of the question is..."

horrible wording, "such trivial things such as" has to go. plus, volcanoes and the rainforest(s) are hardly trivial.

i would just go with the last sentance: "today the topic of (discussion) is..."

Mr. Cherwan paused for a moment.

"The question I pose to you people is how has the Daimones War affected the surrounding environment of the ghost city of Aston and the current Chronos City?" said Mr. Cherwan wolfishly.

the question i pose to you people the question i pose to you people the question i pose to you people the question i pose to you people the question i pose to you people

The class sat in silence. It was a question that none of them were prepared to answer. Mr. Cherwan looked around in delight at the horrified faces.

"Since no one is volunteering to talk, I'll call on you to answer. Also, if you give me a wrong answer, you can kiss fifty points off your first test goodbye."

The class all cringed in horror at the sentence. Without even yelling, Mr. Cherwan could make an entire class of students' blood run cold. Mr. Cherwan gave off the vibe of a person who was used to being quite commanding and it definitely showed. Mr. Cherwan looked at a small boy with blonde hair and round frame glasses.

i am cringing in horror at most of your sentences, especially that one.

MR CHERWAN GAVE OFF THE VIBE OF A PERSON WHO WAS USED TO BEING QUITE COMMANDING AND IT SHOWED.

i typed that in all caps so you could get a better look at it. it may just be the worst sentence ever written. ever. hell, ROBERTDAVIDSON probably wouldnt be able to write a sentance that bad WITHOUT a stomach, and that's saying something.

"Mr. Freedman, an answer please?"

The boy looked nervous for a moment and then spoke.

"The war made the environment bad?" said the boy in a high-pitched, half-hoping voice.

Mr. Cherwan looked at him and began to clap loudly.

"The war made the environment bad. After years in advancing our knowledge of science on Earth since the end of the war and the best you could answer was with a pathetic cause as that. Mr. Freedman, you know that test we are going to take next class?" asked Mr. Cherwan.

The boy slowly nodded.

"You now have a 50, considering you even manage to score that high," finished Mr. Cherwan.

The boy's face dropped and he put his head down on the desk.

"Ok, the next victim will be..." started Mr. Cherwan as he searched his list of names on his clipboard. "Ah, Mr. Machina. Please grace us with your answer."

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL MACHINA

The class turned around in their seats to listen. Kei put his head back and looked at the ceiling.

"The guy who said that the war made the environment bad was not wrong. He just worded it incorrectly." said Kei.

Mr. Cherwan sat on the front of his desk.

"Worded incorrectly? Then please correct his mistake Mr. Machina," said Mr. Cherwan.

Kei sat up in his chair and folded his hands.

"The Daimones War, on a global scale, destroyed the ozone layer that surrounds this planet by the extreme use of the M-108 Ultraviolet bomb. The intense bursts ultraviolet light eroded away the very thing that protects us from the suns light," finished Kei.

so ultraviolet light eroded away the thing that protects us from ultraviolet light.... mother****ing genius.

"Very interesting deduction Mr. Machina. However, it fails to answer my question. You have lost 50..." started Mr. Cherwan.

"I'm not finished," said Kei. "How this relates to us is the fact that Aston was the second most bombed city in the Daimones War. Not only did this basically destroy the ozone from the above the city, the ultraviolet light destroyed all vegetation and fauna that inhabited Aston. So to answer your question plainly Mr Cherwan, the war destroyed the ozone layer from around Aston and Chronos City, and made the environment and food sources unusable," finished Kei.

vegitation and fauna? lolz. just say "all living things"

The class remained silent for about a moment.

about a moment? about a moment???

"Correct Mr. Machina. Since you gave the right answer, I will only deduct 25 points because of your concern for another classmate's semantics," said Mr. Cherwan as he turned towards the blackboard.

concern for a classmate's semantics? as if.

Kei threw his hands up in half disgust and frustration and put his head down for the rest of class.

"That was wrong of Mr. Cherwan to take points away from you for giving a right answer," said Hannah as she bit into her slice of pizza.

Kei shrugged and lazily poked at his ketchup-covered french fries while in the lunch room.

LOL! best transition ever. just all of a sudden "while in the lunch room".

i was in class the other day and i wrote this essay. afterwards, we all talked about acidic rain, and then i ate some chips, while in the lunch room.

Suddenly, a small hand tapped Kei on the shoulder. Kei turned around to see the small boy named Freedman standing behind him.

"Yeah?" asked Kei shifting his body around.

"Uh, thanks for helping me out in class this morning," said the boy. "My name is Thomas Freedman, but everyone calls me Tim for short.

"Don't worry about," said Kei smiling. "Someone needed to put that bastard in his place."

Depending on how this goes over with you guys, I'll decide if I'll put an excerpt from Chapter II up.

they call him tim? even though his name is tom?

hold on, i think i'm getting runner's high, while in the zone.

[Chromer]

If you knew about Cherwan's demeanor, you would understand why he feels the way he does about trivial things such as the rainforest. I'm not going to start a flame with you because really I've gotten over your childish ways of "correcting" someone. Thanks for your time Fojar.

[Tokzic]

hey fojar go pick dawn apart you missed it

Will read this shortly.

[mead1]

Chromer, Fojar is right about most of those things. Also, if he doesn't know about Cherwan's demeanor, that's because you, the writer, didn't tell him about it. How is he supposed to know things you haven't told him? Honestly, pretty much everything he pointed out is entirely valid. He may have worded it in a crude flaming manner, but that doesn't make him any less right.

Also, in regards to my opinion of this story:

Your main character is terrible. Firstly, his name is Kei. I was talking to Tokzic about this exact thing. Naming your main character something straight out of a JRPG makes it harder for the average reader to relate to him. Next, he's boring. He did absolutely nothing interesting in this chapter at all. Also, he bragged about putting the teacher in his place, when clearly the teacher beat his whiny ass.

Next, the story itself isn't interesting. There is no hook to draw the readers in. I had to force myself to read the whole thing because there is no unique element at all. LOL STUDENTS WITH A MEAN TEACHER IN A POST APOCALYPTIC FUTURE Is not an original or interesting concept.

In summary, if you want anyone to take any interest in this, I'd recommend you post a part of this story someone would want to read.

Nothing personal, just honest criticism.

[Chromer]

-_- sigh........

I guess I'm going to have to put in some more so you guys don't stone me to death. Not right now though, I'm watching Boondocks.

[Tokzic]

Originally Posted by Chromer

-_- sigh........

I guess I'm going to have to put in some more so you guys don't stone me to death. Not right now though, I'm watching Boondocks.

Why are you complaining that you're getting criticism? Criticism helps you improve your work, even if it isn't best for your self-esteem. Would you rather sugarcoated, empty "that was awsome!!!! write more!!!!!!"s or would you prefer fixes and advice to get better as a writer?

[mead1]

I wish someone would actually read my **** to tell me "Hey, that blew, here's why." That would be great.

[Chromer]

I'd rather have Fojar explain to me in a decent teacher-like manner instead of his usual jackass way.

[mead1]

That would be less entertaining for the rest of us.

[FoJaR]

i tried being nice but you attacked me right away.