My first story..Tell me what you think!

[kmj103a]

Ok as I said this is my first story and I need some feedback please...

We Were Young And In Love

We were young and in love. I told you, “Don’t get too attached, I’m
going to die young.” But you wouldn’t believe me. You thought nothing
could go wrong as long as we both were together. Finally, one day, you had
made up your mind, we were meant to me married, so you went and bought the
ring, told your parents, and called my dad. That night you were taking my
father out to dinner to ask for my hand in marriage. My family loved you and
they had told me so many numerous times, so of course my dad was thrilled
and immediately said yes. After he congratulated you, my father called my
mother and told her the great news. She was so happy once she got off the
phone with my dad, she went to her bedroom and pulled out her old wedding
dress, and just sat there and day-dreamed about the wonderful day she had
been looking forward to since the day she found out she was pregnant with
me.
After dinner my dad said goodbye and good luck to my going-to-be
future husband and they both went their separate ways. Once he got into the
car, he gave me a call and asked if I would meet him the following night for
dinner. Of course I said, “Yes, I would love to.” We set a time and where
we were going to meet and we said goodbye till the following night. The next
morning felt different. I didn’t know what was different, but it was
peaceful. Maybe it was the fact that I had off of work, or maybe it was I
knew I was going to see him that night. I knew I had to get some errands
done before that night, so I walked outside to get into my car, when I
happened to look towards the sky it was blue. It was the richest blue I had
ever seen. I stood there a moment and just got lost in the clouds. When I
was finally back to earth, I got into my car and drove down the street. The
light up ahead just turned yellow, so I started to slow down. When it had
finally turned green again, I began to cross the intersection. As soon as I
got in the middle of the intersection, all of a sudden it felt like my life
had slowed down. I looked to my left and seconds later I realized I was in
so much pain. The shock came to me; I was in a car accident. As I felt my
head go back I started to fall asleep. What seemed like hours were only
minutes. I could hear people around me. They were saying, “There’s a lady
over here. Someone please hurry! Get her out! She looks horrible!” I then
heard someone come by me and identify himself as an EMT. He said his name
was Jeff. He was trying to find out my name, but I was too far gone to even
reply. I next heard him say, “She’s too badly hurt to even try to save”.
The next thing I knew, there was a white sheet over my body.
It was as if I went from one place in time to the next. I saw as two police
men walked up to my house where my parents lived and I. As my mom opened the
door, she already knew what they had come for. She dropped to her knees and
started to cry. The policemen helped her up and into the living room, so she
could sit on the couch as she called my dad home from work. Once he got home
she told him the horrible news, he had lost his baby girl, his only girl. He
was mad and upset that he never really got to tell me how much he loved me,
but I knew just by the way he gave me hugs growing up, how he picked on me
when I was grumpy, just to make me laugh or for me to give him an evil
stare. I never really told him how much it meant to me, that he did gave me
rides to youth group and to hang out with friends, how he listened to me on
the way home as we talked, and gave me the advice I needed on how to deal
with things I thought that would push me over the edge. The next part was
calling the rest of the family, my best friends, and that guy, my one true
love, who I knew I loved even from when I was young. Everyone came over, my
brothers, their wives, and their children. No one knew why I wasn’t there,
or where I was. Then, my mom broke the news to everyone. I was gone and I
wasn’t coming back. Everyone was in pure shock. This really was the last
thing they thought of when mom had called everyone over.
One thing that stuck in my mind was when my best friend of way too
many years to count found out the news. Yeah, she was in shock, but she
seemed to know it was coming. See we have this sister thing, and swear we
were both separated at birth. I also remember seeing him, as the tears ran
down his cheek, I could tell he needed out of there, he just needed to run.
As he got up and walked quickly to the door he was gone in a flash. My dad
began to say, “I knew he was going to take this really hard. He told me
last night that he was going to ask her to marry him. In fact, they were
going to meet tonight, but needless to say, it won’t happen now”. This
jumping from one place to another was really starting to get on my nerves.
As I left my house, and the rest of my family, I was suddenly in his car as
he pulled off to the side of the road. He was crying and I could tell his
anger was building up inside him. Then he started calling out to God, “Why?
Why would you take her away from me? Why her? Why not someone else? Couldn’t
we just live happy with no worries? Why did she have to die and leave me
here all alone?” All I wanted to do was just hold him, and say everything
will go back to normal soon. But it wont, everything will change, and the
ones left will have to get on with their lives. He started his car back up
and drove home. When he walked into his house, his mom came up to him and
asked him how was his day and if he we nervous about asking me to marry him.
He broke down crying and told her about the accident, and that I was gone
and not coming back. She did what any mother would do, she held him tight
and she didn’t want to let him go. She had known me quite a long time. I had
often talked to her about school, and how the families were doing, even
before we were dating. I was so happy when I thought about me being a part
of this awesome family, how they were like my family in the values and
morals. It always felt like a second home to me.
A couple days went by, and more people were told. They all had most
of the same reaction, shock. They didn’t expect me to be there one day then
gone the next, but who does expect it? The day had come. My body was to be
buried by my grandmother, on the hill where I had once stood when she was
being buried. The pastor of the service was my youth pastor who had known me
for quite a few years. He told of how I was always willing to serve and the
hunger and love I had for god.
Many more people came up during the service to say a few words about
me. There was the girl who I tried to help and I never really thought she
cared who came up and said, “I didn’t know her well at first, I wish I would
have taken the time to listen, and not be so shy when it came to asking her
stuff. I do know one thing, even when I didn’t listen to what she said, she
kept talking she never let me just stand in the corner, and for this I thank
her.” Another guy came up. I never would have even thought he cared, but he
said, “I remember no matter how bad I treated or ignored her, she always
looked my way and smiled or said hey. I knew she was always there if I
needed her, she even told me this one day.” Then he came up. He was still
crying. I’m not sure he even stopped crying from the point he found out till
now, but he said to everyone, “I loved this girl. I wish I could have told
her more often, but I didn’t. I never knew how short life really was in till
a couple days ago when I found out she was gone. I was in her room yesterday
and I found her journal. She had kept stories and written about me and the
times we talked and hung out with friends, and about a bunch of our friends,
how she really felt, stuff she was scared to tell others about. She wrote
about how long she had really kept her feelings for me secret, the things
that made her, her. I remember reading about this one time in particular.
Her best friend and she were cooking in the kitchen. I believe they were
making cookies. Her best friend was bringing the last cookie sheet out of
the oven, and by accident, the cookie sheet touched against her arm. Well,
if you really did know her like I did, you would know she had a scar on her
left arm from that, and every time she looked at her scar, she would
remember that day, and how her friend felt so bad for doing that to her, but
she really didn’t mine it at all. She loved her friends and her family, even
when she didn’t tell them all that often. She hoped they knew. She had
something in there. She had always remembered from youth group, she wanted
to be proud of her dash and have people remember her long from when she was
gone.” As he said these things, it made me cry. He said everything I would
have said if the roles were changed around. I did want to know if the time
on this earth was really wasted or not. Should I have done something
differently, or acted a certain way around his parents or her parents? No
one really knew the answers to these questions. Sometimes they are better
left unanswered.
It was time for my body to be buried. As they lowered my body down,
I knew it was time to say goodbye to my best friend, my true love, my
family, the girl who called me even when I was not willing to talk, but I
still talked, the guy who was quiet and didn’t speak much, the one who acted
tough, but in this day he wasn’t all that tough, and the girl who stayed in
the corner and never really came out of her shell. Many people put on a
front as did I. At times I could see past this mask, as we liked to call it,
and other times, they hid there feelings so well, I would have never known
the real truth. A family of broken hearts, lost dreams, unknown memories
that should have happened that didn’t was all elevating away from the people
as the watched the cold lifeless body being lowered down into the earth.

[Sol_Solis]

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handou...r/g_quote.html
Write each person's spoken words, however brief, as a separate paragraph. Use commas to set off dialogue tags such as "she said" or "he explained." Closely related narrative prose can be included in a paragraph with dialogue. If one person's speech goes on for more than one paragraph, use quotation marks to open the speech and at the beginning--but not the end--of each new paragraph in the speech. To close the speech, use quotation marks at the end of the final paragraph.
//
Needs some major formatting tweaks. Do that, then I'm sure you might get yourself some critiques. Otherwise, most won't take a second look.

[kmj103a]

Thank you Sol, I fixed what you were talking about I hope you like it.

[Chromer]

Kmj, I think you should read my short story, "The Way We Are." I think you'll enjoy it.

http://www.flashflashrevolution.com/...ad.php?t=36883

[MalReynolds]

Originally Posted by Chromer

Kmj, I think you should read my short story, "The Way We Are." I think you'll enjoy it.

http://www.flashflashrevolution.com/...ad.php?t=36883

Chromer, you story is called "The Way We Feel."

Seriously, I don't mean to be a dick, but you ****ed up the title of your own story.

[FoJaR]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA