A poem with no title (by me)

[silverdust800]

untitled poem

if i loved you
and you love me
then life would be perfect
and i would b happy.

but life isnt perfect
and you dont love me
but i love you
this will forever be

if we could be,
that would be nice
and life would be good
for me and you

for you and me,
the world would be
in harmony

i love u
forever this will b
and i see,
that you dont love me
but i always hope,
for u and me...
to be

heres another one wit no title either:

I dont want to fall in love,
because I'm scared.
I dont want to fall in love,
because what if I hit the floor?

Some fall in love and never hit the floor,
but what if I do?
I dont want to fall in love,
but I am.

I kno its going to hurt,
if i hit the floor.
But I cant help it,
because I cant control it.

I'm falling in love,
and I know I'm scared.
I may hit the floor,
but I dont care.

I'm falling in love,
and its wonderful.
I'm falling in love,
and I wont hit the floor.

any comment or questions, please post. i really want feed back weither its good or bad.

[Redorigami]

Nice, don't have much to criticize, or much to comment on. Good poem.

[silverdust800]

thnx

[TheRapingDragon]

I know that poems don't have to stick to a structure, but you should still spell out words. Writing things like "u" in replace of "you" and "b" in replace of "be" is just lazy.

You also tend to stick to the same handful of words, "would be perfect", "life isn't perfect", forever be", "could be", "would be nice", "would be" etc. It makes the entire poem feel stagnant and repetitive.

Try to increase your vocabulary and increase your descriptive vision, basically make it more engrossing for the reader because as far as I read it, it's a sloppy attempt at poetry.

[guitarbabe]

aww those are awesome. :P

[GuidoHunter]

Those are some pretty bad poems, and my standards aren't too high. Besides what Reaper said about spelling out your words, you're no e. e. cummings, so use your shift key, too.

Vocabulary is a huge issue, too, as every stanza looks like every other stanza, taking both poems into consideration.

Your rhythm isn't too bad, but it's unnecessarily terrible in some places, e.g. the last line of the first stanza of the second poem. Why is the "because" there? It's entirely extraneous and it throws off the flow of the entire poem.

Biggest problem, though? It's cliché.

Summary of both poems, in five words: "Love is great, but scary." Going back to the vocabulary comment, a cliché topic could be made beautiful with appropriate wording, phrasing, imagery, metaphor, etc., but since the poems read at a first-grade level, none of that is there.

Pretty subject, of course, but as was said before, just sloppy. Revise them some more and I'd be happy to take another look at it.

--Guido

http://andy.mikee385.com

[TheRaiRaiEatsBalloons]

I agree entirely with TheRapingDragon and Guido.

It should be added that I gagged.

[sleeplessdragn]

What I don't understand is how this stuff could be untitled when the theme of the poems are pretty blatant. With me and music, untitled things are usually abstract ideas and they grow to become identities. I maen, it's not like you can go and title the first poem, "I hate you". Hell the title of the second poem could be the first sentence of it.

[TheRaiRaiEatsBalloons]

Originally Posted by sleeplessdragn

What I don't understand is how this stuff could be untitled when the theme of the poems are pretty blatant.

It seems to me, sir, that the culprit may very well be nothing other than utter lack of creativity.

[T0rajir0u]

this would make a great trance song

boom tish boom tish boom tish boom tish

[TheRaiRaiEatsBalloons]

Originally Posted by T0rajir0u

this would make a great trance song

boom tish boom tish boom tish boom tish

ahahahahaha yes

[mead1]

T0ra is clever.

[gilbert4]

Hi silverdust. That's amazing and awesome. I really liked it.

[silverdust800]

Heres another one:

In this world of chaos,
with no light shining through.
I need someone to help.
So why won't you?
Someone come to my aid.
To catch me when I fall.
My angel, please come soon,
Because i can't stand too long.

Its short but I just thought of it. Other people please post your poems, comments, complaints, and sudgestions for the poem and titles.
~Thankyou!~

[sushigrlOOk]

ooo ooo! i have one!

As i make my way to the left you turn to the right
as i shed a tear all night

cause baby i miss you
cause baby i feel you
cause baby i love you

cause baby I...x2 just wanna be
here with you...XD

yes i know it sucks XP

[Jamaican Jew]

Oh Silverdust, your
Poems touch me deeply. I wish
I could write like you.

[GuidoHunter]

Originally Posted by silverdust800

In this world of chaos,
with no light shining through.
I need someone to help.
So why won't you?
Someone come to my aid.
To catch me when I fall.
My angel, please come soon,
Because i can't stand too long.

Syllable count per line:
6
6
6
4?
6
6
6
7?

Syllable stress per line:
SUSUSU
USUSUS
USUSUS
SSSS? USUS?
USUSUS (Benefit of the doubt, here)
USUSUS
USUSUS
USSUSUS
You almost pulled off iambic hexameter, here. But you didn't.

Rhyme scheme:
A
B
C
B
D
E
F
G

As you can see, there is absolutely no structure to this "poem". A very trite subject and a complete lack of consistency shows that this is utter crap. Really, silverdust, please study some poetry.

--Guido

http://andy.mikee385.com

[sleeplessdragn]

Needs more trance beats.

[silverdust800]

Originally Posted by Jamaican Jew

Oh Silverdust, your
Poems touch me deeply. I wish
I could write like you.

thankyou for the comment but it was only a rough draft

Originally Posted by GuidoHunter

Syllable count per line:
6
6
6
4?
6
6
6
7?

Syllable stress per line:
SUSUSU
USUSUS
USUSUS
SSSS? USUS?
USUSUS (Benefit of the doubt, here)
USUSUS
USUSUS
USSUSUS
You almost pulled off iambic hexameter, here. But you didn't.

Rhyme scheme:
A
B
C
B
D
E
F
G

As you can see, there is absolutely no structure to this "poem". A very trite subject and a complete lack of consistency shows that this is utter crap. Really, silverdust, please study some poetry.

Thankyou for your advice. I'll try to edit it and then I'll post it.

[Tokzic]

My advice is to look into possible career opportunities as a janitor.