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Random Thoughts Posted on: May 5, 2022, at 05:54:13pm [0 comments] In honor of mental health month, I want to open up a little bit about my mental health struggles. This isn't to gain sympathy, this is to let others know that they're not alone in their struggle, they are seen, and I am here for you! I deal with many mental issues. I have PTSD, GAD, Bipolar Type 1, BPD, Social Anxiety (Social Phobia), Anxious Distress, Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, Claustrophobia, Body Dysmorphia,Trichotillomania (Impulse to pull out hair), Dermatillomania (impulse to pick at the skin), Persistent Depressive Disorder, Major Depression, and Depression with Suicidal Ideations. There are days where I feel the highest of highs and life is great and I love life, and there are days where I hate life to the point where I don't want to live, but I don't want to die either, and there are days where I am so deep in depression that I want to travel to a state that allows euthanasia so I can end it all. There are days where my PTSD flashbacks are so bad I feel like I'm reliving my trauma. All it takes is a song, a scent, a sound, a memory, and my flashbacks begin. I can feel emotions that others cannot, my emotions are extreme and sometimes out of control. I sometimes make bad decisions out of impulse and I can't stop myself. There are days where I look at myself in the mirror and hate what I see. I see myself as fat and ugly and I focus on things I want to change with plastic surgery because I hate it so much. There are days where I'm too afraid to leave my house and I sometimes hate taking Merrie out because of that fear, but I also have days where it feels like the walls are closing in on me and it makes me panic. There are days I can't turn my head off and I think of the worst-case scenario, and I think of all the bad things that COULD happen instead of thinking of the good things that could happen. There are days I can't shut my head off and I think of all the things I might have done to offend or upset someone. I say sorry at least 100 times a day (not even kidding, there are even days I say sorry even more than 100 times). Sometimes my life is in shambles and I don't shower for days because I'm too depressed to find the energy to do anything. There are days I'm extremely hyper and get stuff done and days where I'm crying uncontrollably and am inconsolable. I'm extremely sensitive and all it takes is the raising of your voice at me and I'm an inconsolable mess and it triggers suicidal ideations. I tend to put on a show and make others believe I'm ok, but 95% of the time, I'm not ok, I want to die. I'm not afraid to admit that I need help, and I plan to get that help because my life is out of control, and lately, I want to die almost every day. I want others dealing with the same thing to know that I know what you're going through, because I'm dealing with it myself. I want you to know that you are seen, you're not alone because I stand with you! I want you to know that I love you and I'll fight alongside you! I want you to know that it's ok to not be ok! If you or anyone you know is contemplating suicide, I will leave some links that have numbers you can call or text to get help. Remember, you are loved! ❤ https://www.cnet.com/.../suicide-hotlines-crisis.../ https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/ http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html |