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la
09-2-2006, 12:56 PM
Title is self-explanitory. X3 Well...here it is. o_o

Quiet

Here I lay alone,
No company but the quiet.
To noise I am prone,
Nothing here can defy it.

Not a thought fills my head,
Not a person or place—
Silence fills in its stead,
Leaving only empty space.

Dull eyes rest upon the ceiling,
A blank canvas of white,
Devoid of all feeling,
There is neither wrong nor right.

A strange kind of calm,
All is hushed by it.
I have not a qualm,
When there is nothing but quiet.
---------------

Absence

My arms and legs are bound to weights;
the building burdens of everyday.
I find it increasingly hard to move,
as problems come as they may.

My being is submersed in a pool of words,
sinking rapidly by the seconds;
As I fumble to make sense of it all,
resigning insistantly beckons.

Blindly is how I walk,
through this absence of color.
It's all weary grey--
The world is much duller.

And in my absence of everything,
I realize a little late--
Life is what you make it,
The world what you create.
--------------
The woman he kissed

Ambling through life, filled with shame;
from all the wrong paths, the forsaken traveler came.

In the town which quick approached, he saw nothing but mist;
For all that filled his eyes was the woman he kissed.

He recalled her soft smile, her loving embrace;
He remembered her favorite dress, all lined with lace.

And he entered the town, though his mind was far away;
as he also recalled how she had looked that day.

Splayed on the ground, in her favorite dress;
A bullet hole in her heart, though her beauty was no less.

He had come to find love, and instead had found this;
He knelt by her close, gave her his first kiss.

He ran away then, in a panicked depression;
for he had come to express in confession.

His thoughts turned again, perhaps to reality;
He was standing in a street, someone whispered 'excuse me'.

And as he turned, a soft smile lit her face;
she wrapped her arms around him, in a dress lined with lace.

And for the first time in a long time, he smiled too;
not wondering for a second, if her image was untrue.

But the first time he blinked, he was holding air;
His smile disappeared, she was no longer there.

He ambled out of town, into a future of mist;
For nothing filled his eyes but the woman he kissed.
---------------------------

I guess those are my three most recent. Comments and critism would be much appreciated. ^^ I'll post more if I write more.

Newbified
09-2-2006, 01:18 PM
Very nice. Although some of the verses in there, the first part was too short and the 2nd line too long of vice-versa.

RainGame53
09-2-2006, 01:28 PM
vEry nice in My persOnal opinion

la
09-2-2006, 01:51 PM
Thank you both for your comments. ^^ But-- newbified, d'you mean that the length of each line throws off the cadence?

mead1
09-2-2006, 09:38 PM
Jeez, would it hurt you to do something even slightly original? I mean really, do you think for one moment that every other moody teenager in the world hasn't written the same poems nearly word-for-word already? I mean, an ABAB Rhyme Scheme poem about lack of sound. Terribly, terribly boring. Poetry is supposed to evoke emotion or entertain the reader. I can safely say that neither of these goals are achieved by any of the three.

I would seriously reccomend against writing further until you have actual inspiration. Good poetry is not written on a whim in 15 minutes. Good poetry is written about something you know about, something you feel. Good poetry comes from inspiration, not from the quiet or abscence.

Fusion4
09-3-2006, 02:57 PM
mead was being rather blunt, but there is some ring of truth to it.

ive written a couple hundred teenage angst poems, and they are all pretty much the same, im sure you wrote these because of how you feel [and most of us younger people feel the same, hence meads claim of unoriginality]. the problem is, that doesnt necessarily create "good" poetry, although im sure its quite therapeutic.

the main flaw in these types of poems is a lack of focus, i think. but you do at least have a running theme in the poems, which is great! try writing some more, id like to see what you can do. maybe even experiment with different rhyme schemes and stuff.

la
09-3-2006, 08:54 PM
I did try to write from inspiration. o_o I guess it came out wrong. I really didn't want it to sound angsty. >< Thanks for your critism, though. I'll think harder about it in the future. ^^

Fusion4
09-4-2006, 01:06 AM
hm, i didnt mean it sounded angsty
it just young people views on things are often interpreted that way
also, yay for afi heh

la
09-4-2006, 11:20 AM
XD Yea. I don't like their new CD, though. T_T
Anyways, I was trying to add a moral or something... like, the tone of Absense is sad, but at the end it says "And in my absence of everything,
I realize a little late--Life is what you make it, The world what you create"

I meant it to mean "Don't waste your life on sadness", not really my feelings. It just comes out angsty, I guess. ><

Newbified
09-4-2006, 11:23 AM
Thank you both for your comments. ^^ But-- newbified, d'you mean that the length of each line throws off the cadence?

Um. Yeah what you said. But don't trust me,I'm not a poet or anything.

xCavemaNx
09-4-2006, 12:30 PM
Wow you only 13 and you can write a good pome.

silverdust800
09-4-2006, 01:32 PM
i loved it!! i liked the last one the most. its was very nice and i could almost imagin it. ur very good. have u ever entered into contests? i think u would have a good chance of winning! :-)

la
09-4-2006, 05:05 PM
Yea I have just recently. I haven't gotten the results back, though. >> Thank you for your comments.

la
09-11-2006, 05:39 PM
Sorry for the double post. I wrote this poem today. I tried to put a little more thought into this time... but it's still pretty bad. Once again, comments and critism are much appreciated.

Daze

Smile touched lips,
a whisper on the wind.
Twilight grey eyes,
softened and darkened.

An awkward emotion,
Joyous yet unsure.
Too afraid to touch,
A heart that seems so pure.

A warm embrace--
An earthy scent.
A spark of something--
like tinder and flint.

An impossible dream,
A cowardly gaze.
Afraid to do anything...
But watch in a daze.
----------------

>< I'll write a better one soon. I don't think I spent enough time on this.

MagicCarpetRide
09-12-2006, 04:46 PM
Good poetry can be anything, You don't need to be inspired amazingly and all that stuff, you can right an ABAB poem about silence and have it still be good poetry. There aren't really any rules to poetry. Good Poems!

la
11-5-2006, 03:57 PM
Leaving

The day dawns cold; silver, crisp, and clear.
While every puddle on the street is now a twilit mirror.
Noises are muted, movements are slow,
There is not a friend, nor any foe--

As I step, silently and sure,
Time seems to pause- the world does not stir.
Into a clay world, is where I am headed
My previous life, willinging shredded.

Like paper under scissors, I cut out a shape.
Like clay under hand, I mold my own fate.
The time has arrived to become untwined,
Even though it means, leaving you behind.

I'll leave you now, into this twilit lane--
Maybe soon I'll grasp, what I've hoped to attain.
The day was silent; silver, crisp, and clear;
As I walked, from my life, wihtout a trace of fear.
------------------

Took long enough to write; Though, perhaps it wasn't worth it.

RandomPscho
11-10-2006, 09:11 AM
La I like that one, leaving.

My only critique is that last line. Something about it doesn't flow together, but the rest of the poem is awesome. :)