[gold stinger]

So, a couple of things.

You have a genuinely good thought process for acknowledging the issues that you are facing, taking note of them, and potentially trying to work towards a fix for them. A long-time living quote that I've personally lived by, is that "the first step to fixing a problem, is acknowledging that you have a problem to begin with". This is because there are just so many situations out there in the world where people do not acknowledge their own behavioral issues or problems that they create in day-to-day life since they're so engraved with who they are as a person and their day-to-day routine, that they never notice or acknowledge it as being a problem. You have acknowledged this, and have reached out to a Psychiatrist about it in the past. I think it would be worth reaching out to the same Psychiatrist about possibly some other thoughts that you've brought up in this thread as well, to help address specifically why you may feel that suicide is a best decision in a worst-case scenario, because it is not. The fact that you can diagnose issues and work towards remedying them means that you can always try it again with a few more issues fixed and see if that works instead of giving up because you don't know what the issue is or why something is not working.

I am not familiar on the selection process for firefighters but it seems like you've done a lot of reading and research into the position. I will say that it is very common that people will look for the absolute best-fitting role for any work or job occupation position in the work force, but also that rarely anyone can fit as a 'perfect role model' when it comes to said job occupation. Not everyone on the firefighting team is going to be that stereotypical 6-pack muscle-hauling, bench-pressing macho man without a shirt 24/7 that make the women giggle when they flex, and also have zero fear of fire or death. There's also a lot of training that goes in after hiring to make people full-fledged firefighters if I recall correctly as well, so it seems just a bit disingenuous to try to have yourself live up to the full potential of what makes the perfect firefighter, and that may be stacking against yourself with extra stress as you try to make it through these tests and exams for your application.

I understand that you feel like lying in order to bypass a lot of your current issues (especially given you've tried telling the truth in the past and been shut down by it before), but as long as you keep in mind that you're actively working on those issues to better them, I personally think a bit of lying is ok (tautly dubbed the 'white-lie'). You also don't need to tell anyone you're doing tests/exams with the full story. You can simply leave it at "I'm seeking help on it and actively exploring solutions to it" or "working towards fixes with a therapist" if it comes push to shove.

I hope what I explained here gives some thought and deliberation about why suicide shouldn't be a last-end option, because you really do have a strong mind for acknowledging issues and finding fixes. Hopefully a better answer here than simply just 'suicide bad, see a professional'. You have the ability to make meaningful gains and solutions as a problem-solver, and I think that would be an incredible skill to bring over into firefighting, as many are required to think on the fly with the scenario and the landscape changing around them.