Criticize my story(not done)

[Loverofstories]

i am taking everything that psychic25 says into extreme consideration because he's nice and didn't flame me and said he liked the idea and now im happier

[MalReynolds]

That was just one huddled mass of confusion. I actually felt proud of myself for figuring out what exactly you were trying to do in the first "chapter", but the sense of accomplishment fled when I read "chapter 2", which honestly, didn't make sense.

Are these the same people? Why did they change so much? How old are you?

I dunno. Not only are fantasy novels not my cup o' tea, this one is just very juvenile.

Mal

[Loverofstories]

chapter 2 is a whole nother story and they're stories will slowly come together
chapter 1:about Adrohn
chapter 2:about Little Moon

and entire stories and goals usually dont completely fold out in the first 2 chapters
i beleive your confusion comes from the fact that there is no "bubble" or whatever that thing is called on the back of the book and inside the cover of th book on each side
hintbviously not same people because they're on the other side of the world omfg!!!WOW!!!!
and obviously don't have planes because they use swords omg!!!WOW!!!
at the end of chapter one he gasps for air and then he turns into a girl with a flower in her ear? i dont think so,
YOU SIR HAVE NO COMMON SENSE
[size=18]AND YOU SIR DO NOT LIKE FANTASY NOVELS SO YOUR WORDS WEIGHT GREATLY DECREASES[/size]

[MalReynolds]

There is such a thing as crossing genres. And they can have planes and use swords. Don't close your mind to mixing modern techonogly with fantasy. And yes, I would have had some better idea of what was going on if you were perhaps specific, and gave the charachters in chapter 1 names.

Your sentence structre blows. Really bad. It's like you can't decide what all you want to say, so you say it all. Then in the next sentence, you say nothing.

Still, it's a jumbled mess. I don't hate it, it just needs a ton of work.

Mal

[Loverofstories]

Like i said earlier flaming me is useless i would like anyones opinion even you but you sir are simply flaming and not telling me specficly the problems or thoroughly explain yourself and therefor decreasing your words weights even greater
and only name lots of problems and only explains 2
and i will now add more names to make you happy
oh yes i hate the main characters name in part one i'll change it it's only a "fill in" for now


mal said:
Your sentence structre blows. Really bad. It's like you can't decide what all you want to say, so you say it all. Then in the next sentence, you say nothing.
mind telling me specificly what parts please?

and for further reference PLEASE do not flame but criticize and when you do NAME SPECIFIC PARTS

[Specforces]

Good job,

Though not perfect, it was entertaining to a point. You need a lot of work, but I'm sure you are just coming here to look for feedback on your story in order to improve on your writing ability. I liked it and I hope that you continue to fine tune your writing skills.


but this will lead to the complete destruction of your self esteem if you continue to fish for compliments the way that you are. Not everyone is going to like your stories. Welcome to the internet, where people have opinions.

[falconsfan14]

its not bad but its also not great, make it a little longer, keep working i see much potential in this "story" or "exerpt".

[Loverofstories]

i'm not "fishing for compliments" but i just want to know what i can do to improve the presentation of the story and i will begin to "fine-tune" my writing skills, i like the compliments (duh) but i don't care if you say it's a bad story i just want to make it more entertaining for someone who would like to read a story such as mine

but mind telling me which parts need "tuning"

[MalReynolds]

Well, I wasn't flaming you. I didn't come here to be specifically derisive; in fact, I offered solutions to some of the many problems this story has.

Now, listen up, how about? If I were to tell you how to fix all of the numerous errors in your work, then I would be telling you how to write a story. Then it loses it's originality, it's flavor. Now, a lot of it sucks. But it's stuff that you should be able to fix yourself, and not have to come here and get people to fix for you.

I'm also an author of stories, so I dislike flaming to an extent, but if the flaming is completely true, I have no problem with it. People voice their opinions.

Fix the errors. Change the suckfest to make it non-sucky. There, I told you how to fix all of your story.

Just accept the fact that your work isn't the end all be all of fantasy fiction, because it needs work. When someone tells you this, don't automatically call them "a flamer" because quite honestly, I was putting it delicatley.

Mal

[Loverofstories]

well i don't care your intentions, or what you do, i'm not mad or anything but if you "voice your opinion" and don't criticize me (specificly) i classify it as flaming
and by telling me the errors i don't in any way mean the story, but mean more like presentation, i want to know the problems, not how to fix them but where they are and what kind of problem it is.

Also, i don't care if its not "your cup o tea" or not what someone would like to read, i want to know if i "rushed" it as many people told me and the grammar problems like run-on sentences and things in that category

mal said:
"Just accept the fact that your work isn't the end all be all of fantasy fiction" i have not a clue what this means mind explaining yourself a little better cause that sentence is confusin

[psychic25]

It's about grammar.

I'll point out some of the changes you should make, and send it to you. See what you like. I'll make only the barest changes (grammar changes) so I don't mess with your writing style.

[Loverofstories]

well ok thanks
see mal he offered a simple "unhurtful to my writing style"(im talking about what mal said not psychic) convient solution while you "beat around the bush" as i would like to call it

[Specforces]

Ok,


Done.



*locked*