The D.M.A.

[GamerShadow]

Re: The D.M.A.

I must agree with everybody who has mentioned murder cases. You need more of them. Now.

[CalvinWitmore]

Re: The D.M.A.

I do believe everyone is mocking you.

I'm sorry to say, but it's just not very good. Everything is rushed, your descriptors are funny - in a bad way, as they leave absolutely everything open to the imagination, and the opening was just painful. Murder curses being thrown willy-nilly?

What kind of books do you read? I find that most of my writing ability comes from the books I read and the subtle moments I take in and try to adapt. I've only posted one story here - and it wasn't very good and not a lot of people read it, excpet for I think Tokzic and MalRenolds, both of whom are doing splendid jobs of being jackasses in this thread.

I'll admit, when I was 16, my writing wasn't anything to scratch at. It still isn't much, really. But please, think about what you're writing before you write it. Never write because the audience is demanding more. That leads to a compromise of what you want to write. Never edit something because the slack jawed residents are having a yuk-yuk at your expense.

Please, please. Don't waste your weekend re-writing this. Spend your weekend with a good book. That's a surefire, easy way to improve your writing. And you won't have to deal with people like us in the meantime.

- Cal

[DragonVash]

Re: The D.M.A.

I wish you'd said that before I spent most of the day re-writting chapter 1..oh, well, I put the new chapter one up, hope it's better. If I don't post chapter 2 durng the weekend, I'll do it monday. *bows, and goes home for the weekend*

[CalvinWitmore]

Re: The D.M.A.

I just got finished reading the re-write of chapter 1 -

Leaps and bounds better than the first edit. I'm not even kidding - the opening in the underworld throne room was amusing and actually set up part of the story, what I assume is to become the main quest. And I actually found myself laughing at the predicament of the impossibley named demon as he got bombarded with arrows... And then shot.

You still have some formatting issues. You clump your quotes together, when really, quotes spoken by different characters get their own lines/paragraphs. But that was much improved.

[vashthestampede0987]

Re: The D.M.A.

It's like taking Harry Potter and Inuyasha, throwing them in a blender, taking the names of different characters in several popular americanized animes and putting them in a big ****ing bag and pulling them out to make new character names.

Anyways, before I go off and flamerant, listen to what everyone said, develop more into the story. You've got 19 chapters and there's no need to end it there.

[Zythus]

Re: The D.M.A.

Sirs and Ma'ams. What is a murder curse?


To be blunt, I find the story generic and tedious as a fantasy piece. Something new could be nice.

[DragonVash]

Re: The D.M.A.

CalvinWitmore: Thanks I'll work on the formatting.

Zythus: I will provide an eplination of Murder Curses in Chappter 2.

Every one: I have not finished Chapter 2's rewrite yet, and I wanted to know, would you prefer that I put translation of the Torgeos in the chapters that they are used in, or would you rather just read them all in the dictionary at the end of the book?

[MalReynolds]

Re: The D.M.A.

Footnotes would work fine. At the end of the chapter.

[Verruckter]

Re: The D.M.A.

Footnotes would work fine. At the end of the chapter.

Probably murder curse too.

[DragonVash]

Re: The D.M.A.

Chapter 2: The D.M.A.

“The D.M.A.?” asked Ichigo, “I thought that that was just a myth, that they didn’t really exist.” Sakura shook her head, “No, the D.M.A. does exist; it is called a myth so that Sadao doesn’t figure out that there are demons that oppose him, if he does find out, he’ll find and kill them.” Sakura looked around to make sure that they wouldn’t be over heard before continuing, “You’ve heard of the murder curse, Sintaka Litako right?” Ichigo nodded, Sakura looked around again before continuing.

“Sadao created a curse that was meant to kill instantly,” she said, “The translation of the spell is ‘Instant Death’; the exact meaning though is ‘right now, demise’. For some unknown reason he always says, Shiloma Imoko which is translated into, ‘in death you shall be free’, the exact meaning though is, ‘death is freedom’. Sintaka Litako was created as a curse that could not be undone, in other words; most demons could be resurrected, however when the curse is used on them, no amount of demonic spells could revive that demon.”

“The curse is also unavoidable,” said Akihiro, “I mean, the curse comes at you so fast, you don’t really have time to react, plus the fear of death keeps you rooted to the spot.” Sakura nodded agreeing with her brother, “But the curse has a draw back.” said Ichigo, “Before I came above ground, I was watching Sadao talk to a demon named Vandalus, he asked if he had managed to destroy some guy’s wand. When Vandalus said that he hadn’t Sadao killed him with the curse, but when he did so, one of the slaves said that the side effects to the curse were getting worse.”

“Side effect, hmmm?” said Sakura, “Oh! Mother did say that the curse is evil, the ancient tongue was never meant or that amount of evil. So I guess that the curse is punishing him…maybe.” Sakura trailed off; apparently she had lost her train of thought. “Hmm…it could be a punishment…” Hachiro said suddenly, making Akihiro, Sakura, and Ichigo jump.

“The ancient tongue, according to the Bok ii Azare , was the earliest language, not the first, but the earliest one found.” Hachiro explained, “There are two ways of speaking it, I mean; there a two types of words: regular every day words and words of power. The first are used in every day speech, obviously, and the latter are used in Torgeos.”

“Some words in the ancient tongue can be said one way or the other depending on the situation.” Akane said, coming out of the forest, causing everyone to jump again, “For example, the word ‘be’, the normal word for it is ‘iteo’ and the word of power is ‘deom’. Depending on which word you use, you could ask someone to be at a certain place or cause some to be at a certain place.”

“I see…” Ichigo said, “So, you really have to be careful about which words you use.” Akane nodded, “What is the Bok ii Azare?” asked Ichigo, “It mean Book Fragment.” said Akane, “It’s a fragment of the Bok ii Shik which means Book of Shadows. The Bok ii Shik is a huge book written in the ancient tongue, it has every single Torgeo written in it and more.”

* * *
In the underworld throne room, Khairelik kneeled before Sadao. “You called, master?” Khairelik was in his true form, a red faced demon with eyes black as night; he still wore a black suit. “Khairelik,” said Sadao, “how is your underling, Ichigo, hmmm?” Sadao waited, but Khairelik did not answer, “You have told me over the past ten years that every target I have given him, he has killed, is that true?”

Khairelik nodded, Sadao stood and walked to Khairelik, “You know; Vandalus had an interesting power.” Sadao said, “he could see into a persons soul, and tell if they are lying.” Khairelik still said nothing, but he was getting nervous. “Khairelik, you have been lying to me for ten years, haven’t you?” this time he did not wait for a response, “You disappoint me.”

Khairelik’s heart skipped a beat hearing this, “However, I shall give you and Ichigo one more chance.” He pulled a wand from his pocket, “This is the Eldest wand, the last wand in existence, I want you to give this to Ichigo to destroy. Also, his next target to kill; is you. If he does not kill you, then I will drag you to him and force you to watch as I kill him myself.” Sadao dropped the wand in Khairelik’s and went back to his throne, “Oh, and by the way, tell your son I said ‘hello’”

* * *
At the Daichi home, Ichigo waited while Akihiro and Sakura packed things they would need for the journey. “Are you sure you want to come?” asked Ichigo, “The D.M.A. is all the way up in Fuji Mountain, and Akihiro you don’t have any spiritual powers.” Ichigo had decided to go to the D.M.A. after being asked by Akane what he would do. Afterward, they had all decided to gather items they would need for the journey. “Yes we’re sure.” Sakura said, “Ah, finally! Here, Ichigo, take this.” Sakura handed Ichigo a broadsword, the hand of which was wrapped in tape, the blade shone in the sunlight coming through the windows. “It’s a sword that helps with casting Shikawan Torgeos; you’re going to need it.”

Ichigo strapped the sword at the small of his back, with the handle to the right. “Right, thanks.” Ichigo said, just as Akane entered the room holding a small book with strange characters on it. “This,” Akane began, “Is our Bok ii Azare, Sakura; you can read this so I want you to take it with you and teach Ichigo, Akihiro and yourself the spell written within.” Akane handed Sakura the book, and Sakura put it in the pouch of her back pack.

“Ok, then, I think we’re ready to go.” Akihiro said, heading for the door, Sakura followed, but when Ichigo tried to follow, Akane blocked his path, “Ichigo, I want you to take care of my children.” She said, “If they should die under your care, I won’t hesitate to send you to the pyres of the netherworlds.” “I p…promise, I’ll t…take care of them.” Ichigo stammered, Akane nodded and allowed him to pass.

“Which way?” asked Ichigo, while Akihiro checked the map, he pointed west, “Mount Fuji is west of Tokyo so we need to go that way, through the forest.” Ichigo and Sakura nodded, and the three of them walked into the forest while Akane and Hachiro watched them from the doorway to there house. “Think they’ll be alright?” asked Hachiro, I mean, they’ve been talking about going for weeks, and now there’re going with a demon…” Akane went back into the house, ignoring her husband; Hachiro followed shutting the door behind him.

“The first town will be Aqouya: City of Sand.” Sakura said, “It used to be City of Water, but all the water dried up, now it’s the City of Sand.” Sakura was walking ahead of both Akihiro and Ichigo, who were walking at the same pace. “Sakura, can you slow down a little?” asked Akihiro, “You should teach Ichigo that Elemental Blade Torgeo.” Sakura stopped, and had Ichigo and Akihiro been close up behind her, they would have rammed into her.

“Yeah, we should…” she said, taking out the Bok ii Azare, “Ok, Ichigo, take out that sword I gave you and say ‘Blake ii Aoelik.’” “Ok.” Ichigo said, taking out his sword, “Blake ii Aoelik!” upon saying this, the blade of the sword began to crackle with electricity, “That’s the elemental blade spell,” Sakura said, “with it, you could turn your blade into any of the element. For example, if you said ‘Blake ii Fira’ the blade would turn to fire.” “Cool.” Ichigo said, slashing the sword through the air, as he did so the air particles became electrified. It was at this moment someone materialized, “At last I’ve found you: Ichigo Hiroki!” said the woman, “Were have you been hiding?!”
_________________________________________________________________
A/N: Sorry it took so long to get this up. I had planned to post it last friday, but last week was an off one, and I had a writter's block, I kinda still do. Also, I edited the Table of Contents, there are some diferences now plus two or three more chapter including the epilogue.

Note: Blake ii Aoelik and Blake ii Fira mean "Blade of Lightning" and "Blade of Fire."

[robertsona]

Re: The D.M.A.

needs more murder curse

[User6773]

Re: The D.M.A.

I appreciated the backstory about the murder curses. Can we get a chapter that's entirely a battle of people throwing murder curses at one another?

[Zythus]

Re: The D.M.A.

You need more ambiance, it seems that most or all of the attention is focused on the interactions of the characters, which just further contributes to make this story boring, even if it does have murder curses.

Questions for you.

What kind of place is the underworld throne room?
What kind of broadsword was it?
How did the sun illuminate the sword?
What kind of mood was present when Ichigo recieve and shealthed the sword?

Hes my small edit, hopefully more refined, fragment of your paragraph:

At the Daichi home, Ichigo waited with humble patience while Akihiro and Sakura packed things they would need for the journey. “Are you sure you want to come?” asked Ichigo, attempting to dissuade them out of the perilous journey. “The D.M.A. is all the way up in Fuji Mountain, and Akihiro you don’t have any spiritual powers.” Ichigo had decided to go to the D.M.A. after being asked by Akane what he would do, he himself was resolute on the dangerous trek but constantly fears for the saftey of the girls. “Yes we’re sure.” Sakura said, “Ah, finally! Here, Ichigo, take this.” Sakura handed Ichigo a broadsword. The blade gleaming brilliantly in the glaring sunlight streaming through the windows, complemented by a tape wrapped handle. “It’s a sword that helps with casting Shikawan Torgeos; you’re going to need it.”


Lastly, you need to lavish your characters with more emotion. The way you made them act seems very very frank and discursive.

[DragonVash]

Re: The D.M.A.

You people and the muder curse.

Zythus, I will work on that more, thanks for the little edit.