Online friends vs. "IRL" ones

[jamuko]

Re: Online friends vs. "IRL" ones

Squeek, I can see a "fast friends" thing happening, but I doubt you can say you felt wholly connected and trusting to that person from the day you met, unless you were both in a time of dire need.

I'm always afraid of meeting online friends in real life as well, but it's not because I don't trust them. It's simply a self-confidence issue on my part, as I feel much more confident in my online self than IRL (sad but true), and I don't want to make people think less of me after meeting my awkward quiet self.

I've met several online friends in person on multiple occasions (not counting VA Venture; while it was fun and interesting to meet cool people from FFR, I wasn't on close enough terms with any of them to be considered friends, and I was pretty much clammed up in a shell the whole time anyway). It does change your perception of people somewhat after that. Not necessarily for better or worse... just a new take on things.

Pureblood, it's interesting to me that you see it that way. I suppose it has to do with which parts of friendships you most value. To me, the emotional connection and variety of thoughtful and fun conversation is ideal, and with that I feel no absolute need to go hang out at their houses or things like that. I'm quite content spending most of my free time alone or on the Internet (in fact, I kinda start to go crazy if I'm constantly around people, friends or not). That may be because my parents always kept me away from going out with friends often, or it may be just how I naturally am; who knows.

Also, I never try to "get" friends. I just go about my way, and let the friendships form as they do. That's the most honest and reliable way to form any kind of long-lasting relationship, in my opinion.



And Tosh, that's what I love about the Internet. They say writing is the highest form of communication, and I believe it. I feel good knowing that I will be judged solely on what I write; it's like a direct link to thoughts, without all that muddy stuff you have to worry about IRL like looks and speaking eloquently off the top of your head. In a way, it does mask some of your flaws... but it also shows your true intentions and thought processes, which I think form the basis of a deeper friendship than gaming-buddies or something of the sort.

[Tyren]

Re: Online friends vs. "IRL" ones

people met online versus those met in physical form are created with two different requirements in mind but lead to the same thing in the end. Let me explain.

In this day and age, communication is no longer dependant on face-to-face interaction and as of such, that which is needed to interact becomes less and less. I think this is the underlying cause as to why a friend doesnt need to be seen physically to be considered such.

However,the conditions in which a friend is met will not be the same online then in reality. Physical asthetics are thrown out the window, lending less of a bias to their opinion. An indiviual is more confident communicating through writing since they have ample time to form thoughts, etc. I dont think anyone is more or less "real" on or off though, just different. One simply dawns another mask when already under the guise of an alias.

Jamuko, I've never heard that writing is the highest form of communication before, nor can I fully agree. I think language is the highest form of communication yes, and its completely understandable that you choose writing as your medium, however there are many things not being said for every word that is, which leaves greater holes for manipulation of the recipient. When in a face to face conversation, body language plays a large role in what an individual is attempting to infer with the words that they use. Being articulate and witty in the spur of the moment through speach often tends to draw a greater response through tones used and lack of time in between sentences, which is likely why emotional bonds are created faster in person then online.

[purebloodtexan]

Re: Online friends vs. "IRL" ones

Indeed, the fact that you can't always show your TRUE emotion gets in the way on the internet, and you often have to type "[/sarcasm]" or something witty in white text in cases like that.

[Cavernio]

Re: Online friends vs. "IRL" ones

"I have learned a lot about myself and others through communication on the Internet, and without that I probably would have just wasted time playing games or staring at the wall. I'd say that's pretty valuable as well."
Staring at the wall gets pretty damned boring after awhile, and don't I know it when I've been without a computer!

I've had just as meaningful friends online as IRL, but it's different. There's definitely an 'ideal' thing going on that lavakeese mentioned when online, and in that way, they're better than IRL, and it just heightens friendship and attraction for me. It's nice to be able to share my thoughts, and the most incredible connections for me are based purely on them, friendship and physical; nothing's better than intelligent, meaningful conversation. However, I'm inarticulate IRL as my mind wanders from the topic and I stutter, although not badly. I'm also incredibly wary of people, and I tend not to tell people about myself until I learn about them to see if they're the type of people who'll judge me.

However, when I'm not in a particularly talkative mood, an online friendship doesn't ever just get a comfortable silence thing going like you can get with people in real life. It's more like "ok, I'm done talking, bye!", or it gets awkward if you're not in the middle of doing something else.

I disagree that strong emotional bonds are made quicker IRL though, and this is not the case for me.

I definitely find that meaningful friendships can be found online, just as much so as IRL. Different, but just as meaningful.

[FyRe-AnT]

Re: Online friends vs. "IRL" ones

ok a freind is a freind simple as that, sure there are things you can do together with a RL freinds but online you can find people that can truely understand you because of the wide range of communications, so i guess it boils down to what is important to you, hanging out in person or talking to someone who truely knows how you feel, idk im cool with everyone cept assholes so yea

[MalReynolds]

Re: Online friends vs. "IRL" ones

It's fairly simple:

While the modern definition of 'friend' includes affection and personal regard, it's very easy to apply these terms to people you've met over the internet. They're real people living real lives, and the idea that they still dedicate time to you (and vice versa) is often times better than friends who are always there for you - you know their lives. The people over the internet, you may not know every little detail, but you still provide each other with mutual time.

I measure friendships in an odd way. Not just if I have fun with someone, but how much I can get them to confide in me. How well someone trusts me is a huge indicator of how I'm friends with them, and I hope it's the same vice-versa, although I'm a fairly open book when it comes to many, if not all things. One of the first things I got rid of as an actor were my shames. My dirty laundry became public so that no one could find out and use it against me, and I try to keep my personal life as public as possible when it comes to my friends. Without complete trust, I really think you have nothing.

Is it possible to trust someone over the internet? Surely. You can trust them with all kinds of information, and what would it matter if they told someone else? It wouldn't.

Anyways, I've rambled quite a bit and made no real point.

Ta!

[theinsomniacnimrod]

Re: Online friends vs. "IRL" ones

I don't see why you can't be friends with someone on the internet - but at the same time, I would be better friends with people I know irl. Personality is a lot in a friendship and trying to convey that through words is difficult. A lot of the time it's not what you say, but how you say it and what your body language and tone are at that time. In addition, it's hard to tell if people are lying on the internet; if they know they will never meet you, then what are the chances of them being caught in a lie?

I'm not saying you can't find a great friend online, but most of the people I chat with I've met before. Email is the best way for me to talk to my friends from Germany because of the time difference, but I still met them beforehand. I guess I'm old fashioned lol.

[jamuko]

Re: Online friends vs. "IRL" ones

Mal, that's a good point that I hadn't really pinned down before. I remember years ago, I was talking about some personal things that I had never really talked about before to my best friend, late at night. She made a comment about how it made her happy that I trusted her enough to talk about those things. I don't remember quite what I was so embarrassed about at the time, but I still clearly remember that one moment. It was kind of an eye opener to me about what is truly important in friendship, and I feel the same now when someone confides something important to them in me.

Insomniac, sometimes when people become really good online friends, they do meet in real life at some point (omgstalkermurderer). Maybe I'm too trusting, but I expect that people are telling the truth until they give me reason to believe otherwise. Also, when you've known them for a really long time, it's unlikely to be an elaborately kept fake life. I have some friends across the country who are really close, and even we are planning to meet, despite the distance, as soon as we can (which still probably won't be for a year or more..).

I think it's also neat to be able to have friends all over the place, rather than being confined to your local area. It gives you a much greater perspective on the world.

[Shadow_Hunter]

Re: Online friends vs. "IRL" ones

I highly think internet friends can be as close, or even closer, than some of your real life friends. I say this because when I was a little kid, I had a best friend over an online game. We used to ALWAYS chat. After school, during school, and even call each other! We even met in real life after a while.

Even though stuff like that is stupid and risky, friends over the internet can be people just like you. Not all people lie over the internet, which just provides a stronger friendship.

Having friends worldwide is also a bigger experience for you, especially while you're young. You may not know anything about other places, and this friend could inform you.

[Tyren]

Re: Online friends vs. "IRL" ones

There tends to often be alot of subtleties that the mind overcompensates for when interacting online. One previously mentioned was the tone of each sentence written, but more importantly I think things like physical attractiveness are left to the minds imagination, which can be completely distorted.

For example, the majority of females who play FFR and talk on the forums are going to be thought of positively in the majority of the minds of the FFR community, especially taking into consideration the large concentration of (teenage) males.

An individual is always going to be judged no matter what medium they communicate through, and over a text based system like this many of the judgements made are going to be based off of imagination (and perhaps filled in at a later date, through any other form of communication). The plus to this is that such judgements made are generally less important, since one's physical attractiveness has little to do with communicating over the web.

[Lamoc]

Re: Online friends vs. "IRL" ones

Online friends are great to have. In real life people are more secretive and hidden. Online you can find all kinds of friends and people just like you. Such as other transexuals and homosexuals and confused people. In real life, no one wants to talk about those kind of things. Online you have a kind of open security with your friends.

[devonin]

Re: Online friends vs. "IRL" ones

...but more importantly I think things like physical attractiveness are left to the minds imagination, which can be completely distorted.

Well, for random casual one-off conversations, that is definately the case. It's even more the case on any kind of "online -relationship-" kind of websites, but when you meet someone in a place like this, or other online games, where the purpose of you talking is just to talk, physical attractiveness shouldn't (as I hope it doesn't IRL) matter overmuch to you, and if your friendship becomes deeper, it's not exactly difficult to exchange pictures, and if the person is -still- lying by sending fake pictures, I hardly think you have much of a deep friendship there.

For example, the majority of females who play FFR and talk on the forums are going to be thought of positively in the majority of the minds of the FFR community, especially taking into consideration the large concentration of (teenage) males.

As opposed to IRL, where teenage males -don't- automatically accord a more positive opinion to females?

An individual is always going to be judged no matter what medium they communicate through, and over a text based system like this many of the judgements made are going to be based off of imagination (and perhaps filled in at a later date, through any other form of communication). The plus to this is that such judgements made are generally less important, since one's physical attractiveness has little to do with communicating over the web.

Their physical attractivness doesn't have much to do with communicating IRL either, unless the only reason you are talking to them online is because you want a little cyber-love, in which case your imagination is filling in -way- more gaps than just what the person actually looks like.

I've played a lot of online games, including ones primarily based internationally. I've met a lot of people, some are acquaintences, some are friends, some know more about my life than all but the best of my IRL friends. I've met several in real life after meeting them online, and am planning to do so this summer as well. I've ended up liking people more in person, liking them less in person, and in a few cases, ended up in a more serious relationship after meeting them in person.

I mean...the advantage to online friends is that by the time you decide you'd like to meet in person, you've gotten all of the basic information completely out of the way. You know the person's personality, their likes and dislikes, the kind of person they are. At that point, provided they haven't been lying utterly to you (And when you've been friends with someone for say...two years, one hopes they've either been honest with you, or decided to come clean about the ways they weren't before that) the only thing you really need to get to know about them is whether they have some idiosyncrasies that really grate on you.

[Tyren]

Re: Online friends vs. "IRL" ones

Dev, I was just using asthetics as my example, all the other "idiosyncrasies" that grate an individiual (on or offline) are just more examples to speak to my idea. I would consider things like exchanging pictures communicating through a different medium in which, as stated previously, the mind no longer need to use its imagination to fill in the gaps.

See, people in general are going to automatically generate a positive opinion to someone whos attractive, hence the bias with physical conversation. In an online scenario however all that is needed is to be a member of the opposite sex for the mind (and hormones...being a teen plays in here) to do its part. One doesnt actually need to be physically attractive as long as they convey a positive stimulus to the individual. I always relate this to Gatsby (the great) and how he spent his life idolizing Daisy, just to find out she wasnt much of a catch (this is the converse of my point though).

In regard to meeting someone in person, after knowing them online...the basics are going to change. Both individuals are going to act (if only slightly) differently to their online selves. The basis of "friendship" is altered, and the criteria that is required to meet the definition of this word will be changed as well. This is obviously why, as stated in your response, your experiences with them are different. I know youre talking about long term relationships with friends in this instance, and im sure one would be able to draw a more precise idea of someone with time. In this sense the fluctuation of character will likely be to a lesser extent.

[Nezeru]

Re: Online friends vs. "IRL" ones

I answer the initial question with a resounding yes. Online friendships can develop in much the same way "IRL" friendships can. In a way, online friendships have a distinct advantage over "IRL" friendships: namely, that serious conversation becomes the root of the friendship, rather than joint activities in various social spheres. Online friends need not share common friends or common favorite activities for the friendship to thrive.

This being said, of course "IRL" friendships also have some serious advantages over online friendships. The ability to physically interact with the person and experience them in person is invaluable. Also, I wouldn't recommend online marriages. =)