Poem: Rythmic

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  • kitkat9
    FFR Player
    • Feb 2009
    • 87
    #1

    Poem: Rythmic

    This is a poem I wrote about an instrumental guitar player I saw in August. Hope you all like it.

    Rythmic
    by Katrina D.

    Masculine fingers dance across chords
    stringing each note along the wall
    leaving each phrase in my mouth
    letting me chew on self generated meanings.
    Elongated notes tickle my ears, caress my thoughts.
    The strokes of your hand are gentle,
    you hug the guitar close to your body
    creating melodies leaving me speechless.

    Your wordless tune manifests images in my head
    helping me create a poem
    of passion, an unknown reality
    in which you alone live.
    Your song, rhythmic and sweet,
    giving me a gateway to creativity,
    inspiration that comes from beauty in the unlikely.
    Tags: None
    • All_That_Chaz
      Supreme Dictator For Life
      • Apr 2004
      • 5874
      #2
      Re: Poem: Rythmic

      I liked how you personified the music and related it to the musician's actions. The first stanza is alright.

      The second one, I feel, could use a rewrite. You're breaking the fourth wall telling people you're creating a poem. This can work if you delve deeper into the meaning of creativity being spurned by creativity. What do you mean by "an unknown reality?" Describe the world you're creating. Your enjambment doesn't really seem to serve any purpose here, either. I don't understand your use of the word "unlikely" at the end. Maybe it's really meaningful and if so I'd love to hear about it. Expand on the idea.

      This is a good first draft of a stream of consciousness poem. The second stanza could use some fixing up and overall it could just use more description.

      Thank you for sharing and keep writing
      Back to "Back to Earth"
      Originally posted by FoJaR
      dammit chaz
      Originally posted by FoJaR
      god dammit chaz
      Originally posted by MalReynolds
      I bet when you live in a glass house, the temptation to throw stones is magnified strictly because you're not supposed to.

        Comment

        • Reincarnate
          x'); DROP TABLE FFR;--
          • Nov 2010
          • 6332
          #3
          Re: Poem: Rythmic

          Honestly, this poem isn't my cup of tea.

          And I don't know if the title is intentionally misspelled or not, but it isn't serving any real purpose to spell it that way

            Comment

            • kitkat9
              FFR Player
              • Feb 2009
              • 87
              #4
              Re: Poem: Rythmic

              Chaz, I understand what you mean, and when I say and "unknown reality" have you ever seen someone get really deep into the music? It's very passionate, between the person and the instrument, they loose sense of what is around them. I saw this guy do that, he was gone, went to someplace completely different, it was beautiful. About "unlikely", I never thought I would be inspired to write about a musician. It was something unlikely to me, because I normally tell fiction stories through my poetry.

              Reincarate, thanks for pointing that out, a complete typo, didn't even realize it. Sorry :/. Is that the only thing that makes it not "your cup of tea"?

                Comment

                • All_That_Chaz
                  Supreme Dictator For Life
                  • Apr 2004
                  • 5874
                  #5
                  Re: Poem: Rythmic

                  Originally posted by kitkat9
                  Chaz, I understand what you mean, and when I say and "unknown reality" have you ever seen someone get really deep into the music? It's very passionate, between the person and the instrument, they loose sense of what is around them. I saw this guy do that, he was gone, went to someplace completely different, it was beautiful. About "unlikely", I never thought I would be inspired to write about a musician. It was something unlikely to me, because I normally tell fiction stories through my poetry.
                  Both of these ideas merit expanding upon. Show people what you're thinking about. Take them through the world you saw him escape to. Show them how music captivated you and opened your eyes to new expression.
                  Back to "Back to Earth"
                  Originally posted by FoJaR
                  dammit chaz
                  Originally posted by FoJaR
                  god dammit chaz
                  Originally posted by MalReynolds
                  I bet when you live in a glass house, the temptation to throw stones is magnified strictly because you're not supposed to.

                    Comment

                    • kitkat9
                      FFR Player
                      • Feb 2009
                      • 87
                      #6
                      Re: Poem: Rythmic

                      Ok, yeah, I'll try it out. Thank you

                        Comment

                        • Reincarnate
                          x'); DROP TABLE FFR;--
                          • Nov 2010
                          • 6332
                          #7
                          Re: Poem: Rythmic

                          Originally posted by kitkat9
                          Reincarate, thanks for pointing that out, a complete typo, didn't even realize it. Sorry :/. Is that the only thing that makes it not "your cup of tea"?
                          I prefer poems that make me see something in a new way, or describe something in a way that stimulates my senses.

                            Comment

                            • kitkat9
                              FFR Player
                              • Feb 2009
                              • 87
                              #8
                              Re: Poem: Rythmic

                              Originally posted by Reincarnate
                              I prefer poems that make me see something in a new way, or describe something in a way that stimulates my senses.
                              Gotcha, well thats cool. I like stuff like that, I just don't often write it.

                                Comment

                                • robertsona
                                  missa in h-moll
                                  FFR Simfile Author
                                  • Dec 2006
                                  • 3997
                                  #9
                                  Re: Poem: Rythmic

                                  i really really appreciate you looking at my **** (considering how (relatively) long they both were) so returning the favor!

                                  anyways, i really liked this, but anything i could say about it is eerily similar to all_that_chaz. i think the second stanza could go really deep. you probably know from my writing that i like really abstract, impressionistic stuff, and i think that you could really dig into what the music really makes you feel and all that. still, great work! lots of nice imagery.

                                    Comment

                                    • kitkat9
                                      FFR Player
                                      • Feb 2009
                                      • 87
                                      #10
                                      Re: Poem: Rythmic

                                      Originally posted by robertsona
                                      i really really appreciate you looking at my **** (considering how (relatively) long they both were) so returning the favor!
                                      Haha thanks, I really didn't mind reading them, they were both very nice and you're an exceptional writer. Thanks for the feedback!

                                        Comment

                                        • Midnighter
                                          FFR Player
                                          • May 2009
                                          • 49
                                          #11
                                          Re: Poem: Rythmic

                                          Some poems just have power behind them that move people...wow this moved me. Its so beautifully written that I just feel light-headed from reading it. Thank you. Poetry is one of the few things that always makes me happy. Your's just made my day. ^^

                                            Comment

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