tell me what you think.

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  • crumheart32605
    FFR Player
    • Jun 2007
    • 11

    #1

    tell me what you think.

    1.
    I've only become this that you have created me to be
    My pulse is still synced with the plagues we've reigned onto these
    Unworthy victims
    To become something more than human we've destroyed many things that once had meaning
    & we consider this the lesser of two evils
    Abate the weak and their blood will cleanse you
    The mass of wasted time piles onto
    The masses of wasted vessels


    2.
    We belong to words
    They shape, create worlds
    Orbs of light, hollowed out
    Sailing past the places intended
    The evasions you've spoken with bravery
    Float and land, on a dark star
    in your world that you've shaped
    The depth of your horizon has swallowed the place where sky meets ocean
    Tracing lines you use to block out the light from distant planets
    Your horizon is lit but by these dark lines
    You measure years past in these lines and count the days we have left on your hands
  • StyleKrong
    FFR Player
    • Sep 2008
    • 36

    #2
    Re: tell me what you think.

    1. seems like someone who's regretful of seeking to become "more than human" because he's betrayed previous traditions?

    2. has some truth to it, words do play a large part in shaping both our world and imagined ones, although I'm kind of lost when it comes to the rest of the lines... is that just an example of how words shape worlds?

    they're both interesting, although I think you could make them a little more direct to their intended point, some of the lines seem a bit too cryptic :P

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    • Tokzic
      FFR Player
      • May 2005
      • 6878

      #3
      Re: tell me what you think.

      In case I don't come back to read these again, I'm going to say as much as "good show", simply for posting pieces of such a quality that don't come across as a joke. This is much more than most pieces that are posted in FFR Literature can say lately.

      Criticism to come later maybe.

      Last edited by Tokzic: Today at 11:59 PM. Reason: wait what

      Comment

      • MalReynolds
        CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
        • Sep 2003
        • 6571

        #4
        Re: tell me what you think.

        I actually started reading these mockingly to my girlfriend as they were poetry in the lit forum and it's usually good for a laugh, but I stopped because they weren't hilariously bad.

        Hurray for not being awful!
        "A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline."

        "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor


        My new novel:

        Maledictions: The Offering.

        Now in Paperback!

        Comment

        • crumheart32605
          FFR Player
          • Jun 2007
          • 11

          #5
          Re: tell me what you think.

          thank you for your feedback
          this is a very recent one it isn't very long but if you could please tell me your opinions it would be much appreciated.
          also, if there's something you think i should work on please advise me.. i'm looking to improve as obviously i'm not by any means at mastery level lol.


          You die inside each time you destroy something that deserved to breathe
          What comes as decay is yet a transition to other forms of manifest being
          To some it is a failure and to others it is the acceptance they could never receive
          And then we sleep to end the shock and relieve the suffering

          Comment

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