A poetic scribbling from my vacation.

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  • Erothyme
    FFR Player
    • Jan 2008
    • 2033
    #1

    A poetic scribbling from my vacation.

    If you dare to shed your skin,
    You may find what lies within;
    Gazing through your own disguise,
    Transparent to the inner eyes.

    Drawn from your protective sheath,
    You'll see in you what's underneath;
    You're useless, though, while still inside,
    Knowing not from what you hide.

    If you crawl out from your shell,
    You'll be distinct from where you dwell;
    Naked for yourself to see,
    You'll find your sense of honesty.

    If it's the truth you wish to know,
    Then to yourself, yourself must show;
    You cannot hope to understand
    With your eye covered by your hand.


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    Tags: None
    • All_That_Chaz
      Supreme Dictator For Life
      • Apr 2004
      • 5874
      #2
      Re: A poetic scribbling from my vacation.

      Once again it seems that absolute silence is the sincerest form of flattery. Sorry I didn't get to this earlier.

      It's abstract, but very good. You give the reader a few images to work with but for the most part they're on their own, which is fitting for the theme of the poem. That might be a little too meta for me, as I like poems to be accessible. It's also a bit short. One of the reasons it feels so abstract because it ends before I really connect with anything in the poem. Other that that I'd advise against using contractions. It brings the diction down way too low for the quality of this poem. Just see if you can reword those lines. I don't know how possible that is, though. Experiment with it.
      Back to "Back to Earth"
      Originally posted by FoJaR
      dammit chaz
      Originally posted by FoJaR
      god dammit chaz
      Originally posted by MalReynolds
      I bet when you live in a glass house, the temptation to throw stones is magnified strictly because you're not supposed to.

        Comment

        • Erothyme
          FFR Player
          • Jan 2008
          • 2033
          #3
          Re: A poetic scribbling from my vacation.

          Great to get some feedback. There are certainly some good thoughts in your critique, and I am taking them to heart.

          I do doubt, though, that I'll omit the contractions, given that I speak with contractions regularly.


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            Comment

            • mead1
              Cerebellumberjack
              FFR Simfile Author
              • Aug 2003
              • 3960
              #4
              Re: A poetic scribbling from my vacation.

              Yeah, I didn't comment on this because I couldn't find anything wrong with it.

              If you want a "sweet job bro" post, consider this it. 8)

                Comment

                • Xx{Midnight}xX
                  FFR Player
                  • Aug 2007
                  • 8548
                  #5
                  Re: A poetic scribbling from my vacation.

                  The only line that kind of bothers me is the "You're useless, though, while still inside," I don't think that comma should be after the word though. It just doesn't fit. But that's me, you put it there for a reason. XD

                    Comment

                    • All_That_Chaz
                      Supreme Dictator For Life
                      • Apr 2004
                      • 5874
                      #6
                      Re: A poetic scribbling from my vacation.

                      Originally posted by Xx{Midnight}xX
                      The only line that kind of bothers me is the "You're useless, though, while still inside," I don't think that comma should be after the word though. It just doesn't fit. But that's me, you put it there for a reason. XD
                      The comma is grammatically correct.
                      Back to "Back to Earth"
                      Originally posted by FoJaR
                      dammit chaz
                      Originally posted by FoJaR
                      god dammit chaz
                      Originally posted by MalReynolds
                      I bet when you live in a glass house, the temptation to throw stones is magnified strictly because you're not supposed to.

                        Comment

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