Banged this one out in 10 minutes last night...

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  • igotrhythm
    Fractals!
    • Sep 2004
    • 6535

    #1

    Banged this one out in 10 minutes last night...

    Some of you may remember that I wrote a short story in multiple chapters a few months ago...well, last night someone asked me to write a poem for them. Caught off guard, I pulled stuff out of my ass, but in the end, she ended up thinking it was pretty good. I'd like to see what you guys think.

    Title: Step Mania

    The arrows scroll without a rest or pause
    Unless the maker wishes otherwise,
    And your job, soon to be your lifelong cause;
    To hit them all and show them who is wise.

    The patterns unknown to the untrained eye,
    Including running men and even jacks,
    Will challenge you without a reason why
    Unless you give those keys some good old whacks.

    But should you join in this old keyboard craze,
    The Websites to this end are more than few.
    And if you find your way through this new maze,
    You just might be a Step Maniac, too.

    With every "Marvelous" that goes on, day by day,
    You find that life does not get in the way.
    Originally posted by thesunfan
    I literally spent 10 minutes in the library looking for the TWG forum on Smogon and couldn't find it what the fuck is this witchcraft IGR
  • revolutionomega
    FFR Veteran
    • Mar 2006
    • 2240

    #2
    Re: Banged this one out in 10 minutes last night...

    Fail unless you add a fast beat and can actually do it quickly.
    Stepmania/ffr songs are lame
    "AW MAN, WE SUCK AGAIN!"
    - Rob Schneider, The Waterboy (1998)

    Comment

    • YaBoySM
      FFR Player
      • Nov 2008
      • 532

      #3
      Re: Banged this one out in 10 minutes last night...

      Nice poem

      Comment

      • mead1
        Cerebellumberjack
        FFR Simfile Author
        • Aug 2003
        • 3960

        #4
        Re: Banged this one out in 10 minutes last night...

        In the first stanza, you rhyme otherwise with wise.

        I really wanted to say mean things about this, but other than that and it's subject matter, the poem is solid. Solid as in there's nothing wrong with it. There's nothing really standout about it, but it's probably the most well composed poem about stepmania ever to exist.

        Comment

        • MalReynolds
          CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
          • Sep 2003
          • 6571

          #5
          Re: Banged this one out in 10 minutes last night...

          To the thread title:

          That's what she said.
          "A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline."

          "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor


          My new novel:

          Maledictions: The Offering.

          Now in Paperback!

          Comment

          • Jtehanonymous
            Hunger Games Hunty
            • Jan 2007
            • 3770

            #6
            Re: Banged this one out in 10 minutes last night...

            Originally posted by MalReynolds
            To the thread title:
            That's what she said.
            Haha, my first thoughts when I read the title.

            But then I read the OP and liked the poem. It was cool. Parts of it don't seem to flow as nicely as others when read aloud, but the idea compensates for that. xD.

            Comment

            • funmonkey54
              The Chill Keeper
              • Oct 2007
              • 4127

              #7
              Re: Banged this one out in 10 minutes last night...

              Originally posted by MalReynolds
              To the thread title:

              That's what she said.
              In my pants.

              Comment

              • virus003
                FFR Veteran
                • Feb 2008
                • 1822

                #8
                Re: Banged this one out in 10 minutes last night...

                Originally posted by MalReynolds
                To the thread title:

                That's what she said.
                Lmfao the thread title was win.

                Originally posted by XUioX
                too hard and too long.. the rest of it was easy though.
                Originally posted by roundb0x
                i still have photos of my dad dickfeeding me when i was like 5
                Originally posted by who_cares973
                stop back seat modding its annoying

                Comment

                • All_That_Chaz
                  Supreme Dictator For Life
                  • Apr 2004
                  • 5874

                  #9
                  Re: Banged this one out in 10 minutes last night...

                  Pretty good. I can't believe you wrote a sonnet about Stepmania, haha. It was entertaining enough and there isn't a whole lot wrong with the basic things I hope for in here being coherency and good spelling and grammar.

                  So level 2 of my criticism will have a lot to do with the form of the poem.

                  1) Like mead said, don't rhyme "otherwise" with "wise."
                  2) I'm not crazy about your b and c rhymes, ise and eye. They're too similar and the feeling it creates is jarring.
                  3) Unless you give those keys some good old whacks. --The diction in this line is a bit low. I know it fits the rhyme scheme but I think you should find a better way to say it. I'd abandon the word "whacks."
                  4) You just might be a Step Maniac, too. --The stressed syllables are bolded. You only have four feet, you need to restructure the line so it has 5, with 5 stressed syllables. I realize that maybe you could put a stress on "Step" but if that's the case it breaks the iambic pentameter.
                  5) With every "Marvelous" that goes on, day by day, --This line has 6 feet, reduce it to 10 syllables.

                  Overall good job. With these changes you'll have a nice little sonnet =p.

                  Oh, and
                  Originally posted by mead1
                  it's probably the most well composed poem about stepmania ever to exist.
                  Is that a challenge?
                  Back to "Back to Earth"
                  Originally posted by FoJaR
                  dammit chaz
                  Originally posted by FoJaR
                  god dammit chaz
                  Originally posted by MalReynolds
                  I bet when you live in a glass house, the temptation to throw stones is magnified strictly because you're not supposed to.

                  Comment

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