The Story: Life, one day at a time (Part 1)

Hello dear friends, my name is Tyrone, and I have come here today in good spirits.

This is a story of a day in my life:
I live in Canada, and it was a typical day, the land blanketed in a fresh layer of snow. Suddenly, a figure of divine beauty caught my eye, so I decided to make a move.
I approached her and said, "Your figure reminds me of a fresh piece of ham, and I wish to be your butcher."
Her response was less than satisfactory, however, so I decided it would be in my best interest to try taking a more gentlemanly approach. After all, everyone knows that females respond better when treated with respect.
I then offered to take her on a date to the beach, promising a romantic evening. I proceeded to describe how I would risk my life catching her a dolphin, fighting against the wild beast to slay it as a sign of my virility, and how I would feed her the most exquisite food, and we would make love late into the night surrounded by the fruits of our love, and how I would sweep her off her feet the next morning, and we would live happily ever after. Unfortunately, I believe I scared her away, for when I turned around, she was gone.

I stood there, alone, for what seemed like hours, basking in my self pity and depression. Eventually I realized I was in need of nourishment, so I headed for the nearest restaurant and drank my troubles away.

Lesson of the day: I need to learn how to use proper ****ing grammar.