Ah, in my Creative Writing class we're doing the poetry unit. Given that the doctors still won't let me go back to school, I have nobody to peer edit these, which is mandatory in that class. Can you guys take a look for me? The two were slapped together in about 15 minutes because I was in a rush to head to my girlfriend's house and my mom wouldn't let me until they were done. The grammar's off, but I don't use grammar when I write so things can flow more melodically.
This one's th Personification Poem for class. Not titled yet.
The fish came to me the other day
he said hi
asked me if I wanted t play
I told him yes
as long as we can swim away
The bird came to me yesterday
she winked
aske me if I wanted to play
I said yes
as long as we can fly away
you came to me today
you cried
asked me if I'd hold you
I told you yes
as long as we can run away.
Kinda cheesy ****, I know. Just threw it together. Here's the other, also no title yet. It's the extended metaphor poem.
Today, I'm a bird
I'm going to fly away
Because that's what birds do
Tomorrow, I'm a photo
I'm going to sit and watch you
Because that's what photos do
Yesterday, I was you
I yelled a lot
Because that's what you do
And years from now I'll be me
I'll hate myself
Because that's what I do
I wasn't in the best mood when I wrote them. Anyone who just says "they suck" can go to hell. I'd love constructive criticism, but just that. Feedback is good, as long as it's proper. Thanks!
P.S. If you guys don't mind when you peer edit it I'm going to put your name's and comments on the peer editing sheet so I can get credit. If you don't want me to just let me know, I promise I won't.
This one's th Personification Poem for class. Not titled yet.
The fish came to me the other day
he said hi
asked me if I wanted t play
I told him yes
as long as we can swim away
The bird came to me yesterday
she winked
aske me if I wanted to play
I said yes
as long as we can fly away
you came to me today
you cried
asked me if I'd hold you
I told you yes
as long as we can run away.
Kinda cheesy ****, I know. Just threw it together. Here's the other, also no title yet. It's the extended metaphor poem.
Today, I'm a bird
I'm going to fly away
Because that's what birds do
Tomorrow, I'm a photo
I'm going to sit and watch you
Because that's what photos do
Yesterday, I was you
I yelled a lot
Because that's what you do
And years from now I'll be me
I'll hate myself
Because that's what I do
I wasn't in the best mood when I wrote them. Anyone who just says "they suck" can go to hell. I'd love constructive criticism, but just that. Feedback is good, as long as it's proper. Thanks!
P.S. If you guys don't mind when you peer edit it I'm going to put your name's and comments on the peer editing sheet so I can get credit. If you don't want me to just let me know, I promise I won't.
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