Caffeine's Insomnia

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  • IDKW2CM
    FFR Player
    • Sep 2008
    • 143

    #1

    Caffeine's Insomnia

    Just a short poem of what has been happening to me lately.

    My eyes are w i d e open.
    Sleep is not here.
    My mind is raving.
    --My body is not.
    My body is tired.
    --My mind is not.
    I try to think of nothing.
    Thoughts come at me like bullets.
    --But I push them back.
    Try to get some sleep.
    ...
    Nothing comes...
    ...Nothing comes but Caffeine's Insomnia.

    v2:
    My eyes are w i d e open.
    Hoping sleep, but it is not here.
    My mind is raving.
    -Craving for rest, my body is not.
    My body is tired.
    Tired of waiting for sleep to come...
    I try to think of nothing.
    Though thoughts come at me like bullets.
    --I try to push them back.
    Try to get some sleep.
    ...
    Nothing comes...
    ...Nothing comes but Caffeine's Insomnia.
    Last edited by IDKW2CM; 10-16-2008, 05:32 PM.
  • funmonkey54
    The Chill Keeper
    • Oct 2007
    • 4127

    #2
    Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

    Decent poem. I like the use of colors.
    If you could rhyme it up with an A,B,A,C,A,B,A,C pattern, it would be even cooler.

    Comment

    • OnixRose
      FFR Player
      • Aug 2006
      • 1023

      #3
      Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

      Originally posted by IDKW2CM
      Try get some sleep.
      to?

      1000% supporter of FFR character additions
      Originally posted by leonid
      FFR should implement a form of CAPTCHA that filters out not only spambots but also retards.

      Comment

      • IDKW2CM
        FFR Player
        • Sep 2008
        • 143

        #4
        Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

        woops fix'd

        Comment

        • championanwar
          Ask Nuro! x3
          FFR Simfile Author
          FFR Music Producer
          • Jun 2004
          • 2588

          #5
          Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

          Stanza/Verse 2 was my favorite, it caught me more.
          Regardless of that, it's still really good
          You're very good at this.
          I also likeed your chourus too.

          Originally posted by aperson
          all of 65dos are dumb an noticable because their idea of 7/8 is 4/4 with one beat cut off the end
          aperson: yo shikari if u c thom yorke
          aperson: plz tell him 2 start usin consonants again
          Click Here

          Comment

          • 1mpuls3
            Impulsive By Nature
            • Jul 2007
            • 340

            #6
            Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

            Nice poem I liked the line. "My mind is raving". The title is cool too


            Comment

            • IDKW2CM
              FFR Player
              • Sep 2008
              • 143

              #7
              Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

              Thanks guys for all the support!
              I've always been good at writing and stuff but never tried it out of school.

              Comment

              • rzr
                TWG Veteran
                • Oct 2007
                • 7608

                #8
                Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

                Again, I like the color formatting. It helps to really feel the emotions your showing us in a more vivid way. I also agree with FunMonkey. A rhyme scheme would be nice. No poem is limited to having rhyme schemes, but I like ones with them. And a little bit more length, too. But, I did like it. You have talent.

                Originally posted by darkshark
                Everyone sucks at this game. The second you think you're good is the second you stop trying to get better.
                Originally posted by aperson
                i had a mri the other day it was the best song i heard in years

                Originally posted by Sprite-
                More of a joke than the time I deleted all the credits on the site.
                Originally posted by MinaciousGrace
                yeah my goldfish think im a riot they do this thing where they turn upside down and float to the top of the tank

                i guess their alcohol tolerance isnt as high as mine

                Comment

                • IDKW2CM
                  FFR Player
                  • Sep 2008
                  • 143

                  #9
                  Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

                  Thanks
                  I might make another version.

                  Comment

                  • Tokzic
                    FFR Player
                    • May 2005
                    • 6878

                    #10
                    Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

                    Uhh, there's no real thought in this. It reads very plainly and isn't interesting at all. There's no meaning behind the colours, so I don't see why you'd use them.

                    Last edited by Tokzic: Today at 11:59 PM. Reason: wait what

                    Comment

                    • IDKW2CM
                      FFR Player
                      • Sep 2008
                      • 143

                      #11
                      Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

                      Ok.

                      Comment

                      • rzr
                        TWG Veteran
                        • Oct 2007
                        • 7608

                        #12
                        Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

                        Tokzic, fair but tough.

                        Originally posted by darkshark
                        Everyone sucks at this game. The second you think you're good is the second you stop trying to get better.
                        Originally posted by aperson
                        i had a mri the other day it was the best song i heard in years

                        Originally posted by Sprite-
                        More of a joke than the time I deleted all the credits on the site.
                        Originally posted by MinaciousGrace
                        yeah my goldfish think im a riot they do this thing where they turn upside down and float to the top of the tank

                        i guess their alcohol tolerance isnt as high as mine

                        Comment

                        • mead1
                          Cerebellumberjack
                          FFR Simfile Author
                          • Aug 2003
                          • 3960

                          #13
                          Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

                          One thing that I find helps me not write ****ty poetry, try reading it to yourself out loud. If you can't say it in such a manner that someone might take it seriously, it's probably terrible.

                          this doesn't apply to visual poetry and the like, but the stupid color use does not qualify this as such

                          Comment

                          • travman301
                            #swagdog
                            • Mar 2004
                            • 2641

                            #14
                            Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

                            No offense, but I'm going to have to agree with tokzic.

                            When you write poetry you need to make sure to convey the feeling of what you are trying to say. Change the readers mood, make them savor your metaphors.

                            When I read over this it just comes over a bit dry.

                            I think you are aiming for blunt, short metaphors, and I can appreciate that. The idea is nice, but I think you should just add a bit more description to help set the tone for your poem.

                            Comment

                            • IDKW2CM
                              FFR Player
                              • Sep 2008
                              • 143

                              #15
                              Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

                              Ok

                              Comment

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