Works of a poetic turn of mind...

Re: Works of a poetic turn of mind...

No offence or anything but I didn't like it at all. What sort of description are you trying to get across with "a desert inhabits my face". Are you trying to say the tears are gone and your face has now dried up into a harsh sandy environment, or what exactly?

It just, in my opinion, feels like a typical teenage "weep-a-thon" poem about how harsh life and love is and how nobody understands, laced with a final loosely fitting description which not only doesn't fit into the context of the poem very well but actually doesn't make much stylistic sense.

Re: Works of a poetic turn of mind...

Well the first thing that jumps out at me is the inconsistent capitalization and lack of punctuation. If you want to leave all the pronouns pointing to yourself (I, my) uncapitalized that's fine for the idea you have you just need to stay consistent. And without any punctuation the reader is forced to infer where your pauses are. Even though it's obvious it's still sloppy.

The next thing that made itself apparent was the lack of structure to the lines and the poem in general. Writing in free verse is fine but after the first short line All for us- for you, the short lines don't have the same impact because they happen so often, every other line. Also the jarring difference in line length makes it hard to use any manner of rhyme to draw your ideas together.

And your ideas could use something to draw them together because your images seem disjointed. Is it voluntary that you hold back your tears, or is it more caused by a third party - the desert that inhabits your face. Instead of holding back tears, perhaps saying something like, "I couldn't cry" would put more helplessness on the part of the speaker.

Some more general criticism. It's just too short. You have an idea that could be expanded but you don't give it a lot of room to develop. I love the idea of relating a tearless face to a desert but you stop at the initial metaphor. Using more desert allusions would give the poem a more complete feeling. I feel like you give just a small taste of any idea you put in the poem but don't follow up on it. I would consider trying to rewrite the poem in quatrains rhymed ABAB. The reason I suggest the A for the third line is simply because of the tears/years rhyme in your poem. I could see those being an A rhyme, but it's up to you. Something like:

My soul is heavy with unshed tears.
I cannot cry for you.
I could cry for a hundred-thousand years
If only he'd cry too.

But I just came up with that in 10 seconds give more thought than that, haha. Or go a completely different route. Or stick with free verse. It's up to you.

Also, the last line doesn't really say all that much. I would like to see some sort of conclusion made. Even if it is just a summation of all the helplessness you feel, it needs more. Unless the "curse" is how you can't cry, it doesn't really make sense. And even if it is, that idea needs to be developed further if you're going with that.

Some specific things. Holding the tears back "a thousand times again" sounds cliche. I would consider taking that out. The third line has adequate punch but with other small lines after it, it loses some of it. Either add more longer lines (yes!) or consider taking out the smaller ones (meh). A dozen years really doesn't seem all that long. Like in my example, some hyperbole would do well. What do you mean by "curiosity?" That line is confusing. I like sixth line. I would expand on the desert idea. I'm not sure on the grammar of "thusly" but either way I don't think it fits the diction of the rest of the poem. I would construct that line differently.

Don't take my criticism too harshly. It's a good expression of an idea. It just needs to be developed more and I'd love to see later revisions. Keep writing!

Re: Works of a poetic turn of mind...

i'm just gonna post an indication everytime i edit the original post with another poem in it.
save a bit of space.

Re: Works of a poetic turn of mind...

I agree with Chaz. You have a lot of great ideas, but you need to develop them more. I've read several of your other poems and haven't commented on other forums. However, you have the potential to really get your point accross with a little more development.

A poet's job is to work around cliches and to make them somthing more. Potraying an emotion or deeper feeling is about painting something concrete for the reader of your poem. The best line in your poem is "I could cry a dozen years for every day I stopped myself" because it's a concrete image/feeling. Working on imagery and grammar can really help that. Here's a sample of one of my works in progress from a class I was taking. I may give you an idea of how punctuation can signal a break as well as help guide the feeling of a poem. It's not super, still a work in progress (they always are), but keep writing - it's not an easy thing to do and great start on this one.

When They Visit Earth:

When they visit earth and are spent,
Her body lies beneath his small skin
And her breathing becomes slowly shallow.
At night when he’s feeling somewhat alone
His hand will reach out among tousled sheets
To feel the hard angles of her ribcage
Like Adam must have when he held Eve
For the first time, marveling at her majesty.

When they visit earth, they are fragile at best,
Supported only by the springs of a mattress,
Once more strangers in single bodies.
She will smile a faint smile before sleep
And he will touch the rise of her cheekbone
Thinking of how physical the rise and fall is,
How nothing much is left to be said
And how the ache of hunger
Rests in the pit of his stomach
Like a stone in the crevice of a sandal.

When they visit earth they do not truly exist.
The indents on the pillows are all lies.
He is not really the muscle in his forearms,
He is the stretch mark on her thigh
And as she listens to the sound of his breath.
His eyes finally close in reconciliation,
Knowing that the closeness of her hair
Is more than he could ask for
And all that the good earth has to offer.

Re: Works of a poetic turn of mind...

AL81, please make your own threads for your own poetry. Comments in other people's threads are reserved for discussion and constructive criticism.

Re: Works of a poetic turn of mind...

I can see what you mean but I guess I wasn't really specific when I said when these were written. Most of them haven't seen the light of day since 9th grade! lol! But I've been getting back into the swing of things for my creative writing class next year and I was looking for input. AL81, where have you read my poetry before?

Re: Works of a poetic turn of mind...

Then if you can see that they have faults, then why haven't you tried to improve them before posting them? You had to expect critical analysis, no?

Re: Works of a poetic turn of mind...

I didn't see them as faults, now or then. I wrote most of those poems on the spur of the moment, AT the spur of my emotions. I DID expect critical analysis and I appreciate it. After this, I realize I CAN go back and work on them and try to elaborate on my ideas. Thank you to everyone who has commented on them so far!

Re: Works of a poetic turn of mind...

It's a good thing you think that way. It can be discouraging to write sometimes, especially if you start submitting to literary magazines (btw have you tried that yet?). Those are a good place to start getting exposure. Lol, I used to know a guy that wallpapered his bathroom wall with rejection letters, so kudos for taking everything as constructive criticism.

Re: Works of a poetic turn of mind...

wow... i don't ever think i'd b that.... um, well, yeah. i don't think i'd ever do that! lol! and yeah, some things do hurt when they're said in an unthinking manner, but i try to find a bit of advice in everything. Thanks for the kudos too!