I think I'll post some poems.

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  • woahcheesecake
    FFR Player
    • Mar 2008
    • 21
    #1

    I think I'll post some poems.

    Thank you Chaz for reminding me I was planning to do this. Haha.

    Well, most of these aren't really titled. I find it hard to really name my poems because they can be a bit abstract.

    Also, I really don't like using conventional rhyming. Plus breaking my lines up to emphasize things.

    If you don't like them, oh well. I've gotten at least one in a book/CD. :P


    -------------------------
    I'm like a world,
    In a universe of strangers.
    Billions of galaxies,
    And then there's you,
    The star,
    Dancing just out of reach.
    And brilliant,
    Oh so brilliant in the sky.
    You shine and glitter,
    Against the black velvet of space.


    -------------------------
    Three words from you and my heart
    explodes,
    Every single time, letting bliss fill it up.

    It explodes like the universe making 10 billion galaxies
    in an instant.

    Like a balloon popping and the sunshine-filled air
    rushing in
    To fill the empty space.

    Like my heart, exploding because it can't contain the joy I feel from the
    three little words
    That pour from your lips.

    I love you.



    These I actually wrote a few years ago lol.

    I'm working on another one, the rest I didn't feel like posting.

    We'll see what happens. x]
    Tags: None
    • Zythus
      FFR Player
      • Mar 2007
      • 346
      #2
      Re: I think I'll post some poems.

      Too literal, it lacks imagery. Try not to be extremely wordy, especially in poetry.

      "Like my heart, exploding because it can't contain the joy I feel from the"

      Way too long and wordy.

        Comment

        • All_That_Chaz
          Supreme Dictator For Life
          • Apr 2004
          • 5874
          #3
          Re: I think I'll post some poems.

          On the first, upon reading it sounds a bit too much like a lecture. The punctuation makes it sound like jarry phrases too disconnected to get the loving message across that seems to be the point of the poem. This feeling makes it seem like the poem doesn't say all that much. I would experiment with some enjambment to make the lines flow into each other.

          On the second, I think it's a cute idea, but I don't like the repetition of the violent word "explode" and I don't know if the image of a popping balloon is very apt to describe love. Experiment with different images and metaphors here.

          Don't take my criticism personally. If you wrote these when you were 14 then you did well for how old you were. It's refreshing to hear poetry that speaks positively on love, at least, haha.

          <3
          Back to "Back to Earth"
          Originally posted by FoJaR
          dammit chaz
          Originally posted by FoJaR
          god dammit chaz
          Originally posted by MalReynolds
          I bet when you live in a glass house, the temptation to throw stones is magnified strictly because you're not supposed to.

            Comment

            • woahcheesecake
              FFR Player
              • Mar 2008
              • 21
              #4
              Re: I think I'll post some poems.

              Haha no no, that's really good criticism, from both of you. Thank you.

              I'll try to remember and incorporate those things you pointed out in my future poems and when editing these.

              And yes, I've always hated the sad emotional stuff. I like looking on the bright side.

                Comment

                • Frozen Beat
                  coLSBMidday, zerg sc2 pro
                  • Nov 2007
                  • 1092
                  #5
                  Re: I think I'll post some poems.

                  That's deep. But a little far-fetched.

                  Feel several different pains, before they're colored pure red
                  Make a little chance! Start connecting us into to tomorrow, ready and go!
                  No matter how many times I keep going down, in these unending rounds
                  I'm gonna keep up! We can create hope, it's our story!

                    Comment

                    • bluguerrilla
                      FFR Player
                      FFR Simfile Author
                      • Apr 2006
                      • 3966
                      #6
                      Re: I think I'll post some poems.

                      I liked the first one but I agree with Chaz, it has a chopped up feeling to it that doesn't fit well with the interpreted meaning.

                      It's very youthful, but in a good way, if you know what I mean.

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