The D.M.A.

Re: The D.M.A.

An alright start. It could be improved considerably through the inclusion of more murder curses.

Re: The D.M.A.

I agree, if you were to venture further into murder curses, I daresay this story would be ballin'.

Re: The D.M.A.

I think you have an interesting idea with the murder curses. Run with that.

Re: The D.M.A.

Thanks. I will add more to the prologue about murder curses. Also, I am editing chapter 1 of the story so I will post that up once I have finished.

Re: The D.M.A.

Sounds like Harry Potter.

Re: The D.M.A.

Yeah, well, it's not. I don't know what Avada Kedavra means, but Sintaka Litako means "Instant Death", Shiloma Imoko is a phrase always said before the curse is used. Plus, the wands aren't used for the rest of the story. Perhaps I should call it somethhing other than Murder Curse so it doesn't sound to much like Harry Potter?

Here is chapter 1.
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Chapter 1: Escape from the Underworld

The year 2400, Sadao’s evil has reached out to every crevice on the world. Down in the underworld, he sits on his throne, while his slaves run around tending to his needs, “Since there is no one left to threaten me, I can rule the world in peace.” He said, “Vandalus!” he yelled out, and the demon appeared before him, bowing, “Have you destroyed that wand yet?! It’s been a hundred years!” “Not yet, master.” he said, Vandalus looked much like a human in every possible way, except for his eyes, which where blacks as night. “That wand, the one Yuudai used, has a powerful anti-destruction spell on it.”

Sadao stood up from his throne and walked toward Vandalus, “You disappoint me, Vandalus.” He said, “M…master…” “You know I don’t like to be disappointed.” He held out his hand and one of the minions brought forth a wand, he took it in his hands, then he pointed it at Vandalus, “Shiloma Imoko, Sintaka Litako!” a jet a gray light hit Vandalus and he was dead before he hit the ground.

“Argh!” said Sadao, his hand had started to burn, “Master,” said one of his minions, “You shouldn’t use that one too much, the side effects are getting worse.” “Silence!” said Sadao, and the minion backed away, “Get someone else to work destroying that wand, it’s the only wand that can revive any source of good majik, afterwards, destroy this wand, I can cast Sintaka Litako without it.” “Yes, master…” said the minion, he took the wand away and left.The repercussion of performing that curse without the wand is higher than using it with it, but it matters not.

Just outside the throne room, stood Ichigo Hiroki, a warlock. Ichigo stood at 5ft 9in, he had snow white hair and his eyes were fire red. He wore all black; long black pants and sleeve black shirt. Ichigo sat with his back to the wall, he had just seen a demon, Vandalus, get killed just because he hadn’t managed to destroy this Yuudai person’s wand. Who was Yuudai, anyway? He had heard rumors that Yuudai was the strongest witch, but what was a witch? “Hiroki!” the voice knocked Ichigo out of his stupor, “What are you doing here?!” “Cole…” said Ichigo, “I…urm…I was just resting.”

Cole walked up to Ichigo, Cole stood at about 6ft 1in, he had black hair and blue eyes. Cole were a dark blue suit. Cole was the human form of the demon Khairelik, a red faced, blacked eyed demon. “You know you shouldn’t be around these parts, get going!” Ichigo stood up and walked down the corridor leading away from the throne room and Cole/Khairelik.

He looked back and saw the Cole was glaring at him, Jeez, what’s the big deal about being in this part of the under world? he thought to himself, Aw, well, I guess I could go above ground for a while. when he turned the corner, and had gone a good enough distance that Cole couldn’t sense him, Ichigo used Terepo, the demonic ability to teleport, and teleported above ground.

Three things happened when he materialized above ground, the first thing was that he was bombarded by the sun bright light and had to shield his eye for a moment, the second was he was nearly blown away by the strong winds that had been blowing all week, and the last was an arrow whizzed past his head. “What the heck?!” he yelled turning to where the arrow had come from.

Two kids stood their, one a boy the other a girl. The boy was wearing long black pants and a brownish jacket. On his back was a quiver of arrows. The girl was wearing all pink; pink pants and a pink jacket, even her hair was pink. Like her the other child, she had a quiver of arrows and a bow. The boy was the one who had fired the arrow, “Where’d you come from?!” he said, “Where’d…why the heck did you shoot at me?!” “We weren’t,” said the girl, “what we were shooting at, is behind you.” Ichigo turned around and saw that a deer was galloping away.

“Urm…” said Ichigo, facing the two again, “Sorry?” “Damn, you cost us a perfectly good deer.” said the girl, “Where did you come from anyway?” “I came from--” “Sakura, I think he’s a demon.” said the boy, “You know Akihiro, I think you may be right.” said the one called Sakura, “Uh, technically, I’m a warlock.” “Warlocks are still demons.” said Akihiro, Sakura strung her bow, the arrow she aimed at him gained a faint blue light, Crap, a holy arrow. Ichigo put his arms up in front of him as an attempt to shield himself.

“Mesorrow Nindo ii Shinujitsu” said Sakura, as she shot at him, the one arrow became six, “A Shik Torgeo?!” said Akihiro, “Isn’t that a bit much?” “No, not really.” The six arrows that shot at Ichigo all had a faint blue light, Six?! Ichigo dodged three of the arrows, but was hit by the other three, “Ow…” “I wish I could do that, but I don’t have my spiritual power yet.” Sakura took aim with another aura, Mesorrow Nindo ii Shinujitsu” said repeated, shooting again.

Ichigo dodged two of the arrows this time, but was too slow and got hit with five. “Ow…” he repeated, dropping to one knee, “Why doesn’t he just use his powers?” wondered Akihiro, “I won’t…” said Ichigo, “Huh?” said Akihiro and Sakura together, “I won’t use my powers on other humans., no matter what.” Akihiro and Sakura looked at each other, then at Ichigo in wonder.

“A demon who won’t use his powers, that’s something you don’t see every day.” Said Sakura, stowing the bow, she and Akihiro walked over to Ichigo, “What is your name?” “Ichigo Hiroki.” “Ichigo…” said Sakura, “Well, I’m Sakura Daichi, and this is my brother Akihiro Daichi.” “I guess you’re not sorry you shot a basically defenseless war…demon.” “Defenseless?!” said Akihiro and Sakura together, “Are you sure you’re not twins?” asked Ichigo, “Yes, defenseless, I never really built up my powers, I’m 17, I’ve had my powers since I was 5, but I stopped building my powers when I was 8 and found out I was meant to do with them. So my powers are pretty weak.”

“But, if that were true, you should’ve died when the first few arrows hit you.” Said Sakura, “I said my powers were weak, not my body and defenses.” said Ichigo, “Instead of gaining power, I built up my natural defenses, I learned to defend myself, of course those arrows still hurt like hell.” “Then you’re really not defenseless; you have some form of defense even if it’s not demonic.” Said Akihiro, “Hmm…I guess that’s true.” said Ichigo, thinking about it. At that time there was a loud BANG! and the three of them jumped.

“Demon!” said a man running out of the trees, “Get away from my children!” “Dad!” said Sakura, running up to the man, he was tall, and was wearing a hunting outfit, he had a shot gun in his hands. He aimed it at Ichigo, who shrugged, [i]A gun isn’t going to hurt as much as those arrows.” BANG! The bullet hit Ichigo in the arm, “ARGH!” he yelled, “How?!” “Holy bullets!” said the man, “Dad! Wait! He’s not trying to hurt us!” “Hachiro!” came a voice further in the trees, everyone turned to se a woman dressed in a pink hunting outfit come through the trees.

“Hachiro?” she said, looking from Hachiro, to Ichigo, and back again, “Why did you shoot this boy?!” “He’s a demon, Akane-dear…” “Oh, really?” said Akane, she looked at Ichigo, “He does have a demonic aura, but it’s really faint.” “Ow…” said Ichigo, “At least one person in your family isn’t trigger happy.” He clutched the place where Hachiro had shot him, Akane went over to him, “Hachiro, what did I tell you about asking questions first and shooting things later?”
Akane, forced Ichigo’s hand away from the wound and hovered her own hand over it. “Deom Heil.” she said, and a grey light shown from her hand, “Akane!” said Hachiro, “What?!” shot Akane, glaring at her husband with out removing her hand. When Hachiro said nothing, she turned to Ichigo, “This won’t hurt a bit.” Ichigo watched in amazement as his wound slowly healed. “Wow.” He said, when the wound was completely healed, “Thanks, how…?” Akane stood up and walked over to Hachiro.

“Sakura…” said Akihiro, and Sakura nodded, ran over to Ichigo, grabbed his arm and the three of them ran deep into the forest, Sakura pulling Ichigo. When they stopped, Ichigo said “What are…” “Hold on.” said Sakura as she and Akihiro both readied the bows and arrows. “Our mother Torgeos are sometimes really scattershot.” Said Akihiro, “In other words, her Torgeos always hit the intended target, but they also hit other things as well.” “Here it comes!” said Sakura, “Arantak ii Shinujitsu!” “Oh no.” said Sakura, “We can’t block that one…she must be really angry.” Sakura took Ichigo’s arm again and pulled him deeper into the forest, just as a bolt of lighting flashed over head.

When Sakura was sure they were a safe distance away, she and Akihiro stopped, Ichigo, who was being pulled along by Sakura also stopped. “What is ‘Arantak ii Shinujitsu’?” he asked, “It’s a Shikawan Torgeo.” Said Akihiro, “It’s our mother’s favorite, she the only one in our family who can actually produce fifteen bolts of lighting, even dad can’t produce but eight.” “What’s a Shikawan Torgeo?” Akihiro answered this question, “It mean Shadow Spell, that’s the translation anyway.” He began, “Shikawan Torgeos users use their own Spiritual Energy to cast the spell in the ancient tongue.”

“Hmm…so your mother is using spiritual energy to cast spells?” asked Ichigo, “If you wanna call it that,” said Sakura, “It’s more like performing techniques than using majik, since there are no more majik users, i.e. witches, humans developed a new way to get rid of demons, Shikawan Torgeos. If you remember the one I used on you earlier, Mesorrow Nindo ii Shinujitsu.” “How could I forget?” “Yeah…sorry.” said Sakura, sheepishly, “Well, at least you arrows didn’t do much damage, you dad’s gun on the other hand…” he placed a hand over where his wound had been, “That reminds me, how did your mother heal me; more importantly, why?”

“Well, mom can see the aura of people.” said Sakura, “She said that the demonic aura you had was faint. Actually, if your demonic aura had been any stronger than it is, she would not have been able to heal you: humans can’t heal demons.” “But, I am a demon.” said Ichigo, “Yes, well…you’re obviously not a very powerful, or evil demon…you know I think you’d be perfect to join the D.M.A.”

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A/N: I am now editing Chapter 2. I will post that up tomorrow, mabey.

Re: The D.M.A.

Ok, ok, seriously, a few problems here. First off, magix bawlz and fayar thingz and demoz n witchez are incredibly cheesy. They're outdone and overrated, they did their time and even when I was 12 they weren't cool anymore. The only way you could save the ideas would be if you went deeper into the concept, show it as something new, something different, but I doubt that's even possible in this case.

Second: everything is happening way too fast. Your sentences are crammed one into each other and this completely and utterly destroys any possible tension, stress or thriller added into the story. It clogs the fluidity. For example: "He strung his bow while the deer was busy eating; he took aim and prepared to shoot when a demon shot out from another bush, wrestled with the animal, broke its neck, and began to eat it there on the spot." Calm down! It's all too condensed. Give it air, give it space to breathe, give a surprise to the reader.

Re: The D.M.A.

Honestly I don't think there's enough to this Ichigo fellow to carry the story.

My suggestion, as a professional fantasy writer, is to re-write what you have so far with a Murder Curse as the protagonist.

Re: The D.M.A.

First part: I was gonna do that later in the story.
Second part: I'll re-edit it and post it up when I post chapter 2, which I will also re-edit.

Tibs: I'm not quite sure I follow... I don't understand.

Re: The D.M.A.

He means that, essentially, your story should be about the development and evolution of a murder curse. Someone had to cast the first one, right?

Re: The D.M.A.

I really liked Chapter One... I noticed you started to delve into the murder curse... but you're going to up the ante and really get intimate with the murder curse if you want this story from ballin' to BAWLIN'.

Re: The D.M.A.

That's a blatant rip off of popular American cartooning. You should try something cultured and cool like Chinese or Korean. You know, stuff like that. American television is old and outdated and for little kiddies.

Secondly, "magik" is not really a word. I think you mean "majik."

Also the murder curse idea is really good.

Re: The D.M.A.

I don't understand why these characters have bows and arrows in a world where people can use murder curses. I don't think your story will reach its full potential unless every character is using murder curses.

Re: The D.M.A.

Ok, I'll have to rewrite all the current chapter I have then...

Chardish: Only evil has the power to perform the curse. The humans can't handle the amount of power needed to perform it.

Since I have to rewrite chapter 1 and 2, it'll take longer for me to post chapter 2, so if I don't get them up today, I'' post them up over the weekend. (Since I don't have school tomorrow, that counts as the weekend also.)