My okies story

Re: My okies story

Okay, you can write narrative, but that didn't have any coherant beginning, ending, or message.

Re: My okies story

okies...do you have any suggestions? Cause I really want to get this published if I can...

Re: My okies story

Hullo, and welcome to the FFR forums.

There's nothing outright wrong with your story, save for the use of "delicately" which just seems misplaced. How does one lift their head delicatley? Yes, they're exercising caution, but it's just not the right word for the situation.

Second, it does nothing. Not that it's not good, not that it's not bad - it just does nothing. It's a dummy. It's potential, sure, but you know, you have to work to realize the potential. What you have there is an uninteresting snapshot in the lives of two people who are, for the most part, unremarkable except for their clever names.

Where were you thinking about getting this published? In all honestey, it's under 500 words - there's not a huge market out there for work like that, especially when there's no hook or payoff to the story.

But carry on, keep writing.

Re: My okies story

I don't mean to crush your hopes here, but there's no way this is going to get published.

The primary idea behind stories is to make a point through plot. Like Mal and I have said, this doesn't do anything. All you have is two people talking.

Besides that, there's a lot wrong with it. The dialogue and interactions are really fake. The setup is completely cliche (i am dating senor perfection and he loves me but i don't know why because i'm sooo booring ;___;.). You don't employ any imagery, metaphor, or any sort of clever word use at all for that matter.

You have a long way to go before you get published, but if that's what you want, then keep writing and use criticism to better yourself.

Re: My okies story

ok...I'm starting another story. It's not very good yet. But it's a beginning

Re: My okies story

okies. Here's the beginning for a new story

It was a calm day out on the open sea. Carrie stepped out onto the main deck and deeply inhaled the cool sea breeze. It was salty and sweet, and it tickled Carrie’s senses. She was the patron of her friend’s ship. They were pirates, her and her best friend. His title was the Cook. His name was Sanji. Together, they wandered across the seven seas in search of a worthy crew. They were in debt of a man named Santiago, the mayor of the town they lived in. He charged everyone a weekly tax, and the price was bizarre. 25,000 rupees was the cost to live in a lowly shopkeeper’s house. It cost millions more to live in a luxurious home. They had lived in a lowly shopkeeper’s hut since he was eleven and she was nine. Santiago was a plump man with a heavy beard and a nasty temper. He swooped down with his bag full of money and took her parents to jail and hanged them for treason against the King of the Pirates. Santiago was also extremely suspicious. He believed that there was such a thing as the world-renown Grande Line. Anyone who set foot on any of the islands was to gain riches beyond their wildest fantasies. This is what they wanted dearly. But Carrie wanted more than that: She wanted to kill the King of the Pirates.
Carrie yawned in pure boredom as Sanji stepped out into the open air. He poked her in the head and giggled. “So what town are we headed to?” He was always so eager to start off. Carrie took out the torn map and looked at it in confusion. “Well...the closest town is Mirageon. But that town is a thug town...” Sanji’s face perked up. “Let’s go to Mirageon!”
Mirageon was a beat-up ghost town. They soon docked at the port on the East side of the island, and decided to explore the town. People in bars nearby flirted with each other and made love with people they didn’t even know. The liquor sold there was very expensive, 100 rupees. The liquor was world-famous and made people drunk quickly. Even little kids were drinking the sludge! “Why are underage children drinking the liquor in that store?” Carrie asked Sanji as he turned onto a cold paved road. “The water here is so polluted that the only safe thing to drink is the liquor.” While Sanji’s back was turned for a brief moment, an elderly man approached Carrie. He was drunk and it was plainly seen in his expression. Anyways, he walked over to Carrie and placed an arm around Carrie, “So pretty lady...let’s go get a drink at my place. My treat!” Carrie stepped back slightly, but was quickly overcame by the drunk man. “Sanji...a little help.” The elder continued to drag her away while the unknowing Sanji looked into a place to stay. Suddenly, twin blades sliced through the air, followed by a second pair of blades. At first nothing happened, but then slowly...the man’s arms tore away from the man’s flesh! The sagged flesh had already begun to rot, and the pale gleam of an off-white bone shimmered through. “Onigiri!” both voices cried out. With another flash, the man’s head fell off it’s ordinary place on his shoulders. Blood shot up into the sky and the man screamed. His head bounced twice before rolling to Carrie’s feet. She tried to scream, but then noticed a shadow out of the corner of her eye. She dare not move, not even breathe, for she knew that with one slash of the twin blades, she would be like that man. She looked down at the bloodied body and shuddered. Behind her, a young girl’s voice cheered. “Good job Zolo! We did really good. That guy stood no chance!” Carrie turned to see a small child hanging on an older teen. The girl looked like she was only eight, yet she just killed that guy! The older teen grinned at her, but when she wasn’t looking, he rolled his eyes in hopelessness. When the girl turned back, he quickly pasted on a cheap smile and lifted the girl into his arms. She laughed as he groaned. “You’ve gotten bigger, Kari, pretty soon I won’t be able to pick you up.” Kari jumped down and lifted her arm, attempting to flex. “Look at this muscle. See how much stronger I’ve gotten!” He pinched her upper arm, and she flinched. “Yeah, that’s all muscle...sure.” He commented while snickering. Carrie burst into their conversation by tapping Zolo on the shoulder. He must not have noticed her, because he jumped back. She apologized, then asked him and Kari a very surprising question. “Wait a second...you expect us to join your ‘crew’?” She nodded with enthusiasm, and both of them burst out laughing. Sanji walked over, somewhat confused, then asked why they were laughing. Before Carrie could answer, Zolo gave their reason. “No one has ever dared to ask us to do anything! They’ve all been too afraid...” He roared with laughter, as Kari continued. “Yeah. After we became the Demonic Duo, people stopped coming to us for favors in fear that we’d kill them!!” Once they both settled down a bit, Carrie started to walk away. “Not so fast!” A heavy Spanish-accented man cried out. Carrie spun quickly, and saw that the man was arresting Zolo. He tried to run, but three more strong policemen held him down long enough to be bound by ropes.

Please comment and tell me what should happen next!

Re: My okies story

the first one,
was a bit generic.

it wasnt bad,
but alot of sentences were really awkward,
and you used big words just for the sake of big words

Re: My okies story

You got a wall of text going on, try working on thought separation to develop your ideas.

Re: My okies story

Thats what she said.

Re: My okies story

Shut up or add something relevant to the topic.

OP: Way too much "telling" going on. You simply lay everything out in front of the reader at face value, and that makes for a rather dull story. Try to describe things in greater detail.

On the plus side, I did see some usage of the senses other than sight.

Needs work though. Also, make a space in between your paragraphs. Otherwise, everybody will tl;dr it and say "WOT".

Re: My okies story

ok...thanks. I mean, this is just a prototype for a short story, and I wanted to see what kind of changes could be made