Some of my poems

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  • dudeguy1212
    FFR Player
    • Feb 2008
    • 2
    #1

    Some of my poems

    Hi I'm new here! Great game.

    I saw this forum, and decided to post some of my poems I have worked on.

    I just want honest critique, so tell me what you think.

    Rush Hour

    As the clock ticks along life drones on
    Cars pass by and people walk on
    Yet I still here and wait
    And wait for what I don’t know

    The people return home
    The cars finally slow down
    Yet I still sit
    And sit and wait

    The people go to sleep
    The cars are nestled in their homes
    Yet I remain
    And remain and wait

    The sun rises again
    Yet the people and cars stay home
    And amongst this
    I find what I’m looking for

    ---------------------------------------------------------

    Indifference

    Indecisiveness led you here
    Navigating in between the fences
    Driving you to go from here to there
    Idle times tend to lay back
    Fiddling around, and seeping in the environment
    Feeding on languor and finally
    Executing its next move
    Ready now, you can decide
    Eager is choice that has not yet come
    Not knowing or hoping
    Choosing at last to return
    Evanescent and indecisive as always

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    I've also written some tanka and haiku. Tell me if you want to see some more.
    Tags: None
    • Zythus
      FFR Player
      • Mar 2007
      • 346
      #2
      Re: Some of my poems

      Not bad, but very very plain and poorly portrayed, a good try nevertheless. Try to discribe the topic with more depth using metaphorical ir rehtorical devices to make it more appealing as a poem. can I see the haikus? I always found them pleasant

      Can't spell using ipod -_-

        Comment

        • dudeguy1212
          FFR Player
          • Feb 2008
          • 2
          #3
          Re: Some of my poems

          Thanks, I find it hard to balance detail and illusion when writting freestyle poems.

          And I love haiku and tanka as well.

          Here are some recent haiku:

          Rainbow

          Last drops trickle down
          Red melts to orange and then blue
          The rainbow is seen

          ---------------------------------------------------------

          Beach

          Grains slide between toes
          Gentle waves lapse at the break
          The ocean meets sand

            Comment

            • Zythus
              FFR Player
              • Mar 2007
              • 346
              #4
              Re: Some of my poems

              Well what I find is that its a tad too literal. Basicly its like stating your topic way too apparent. Like I said, equip your poems with deeper expressions. For example, your rainbow haiku may have more potential if rather than discribing how the rainbow appeared, you can find and discribe a symbolic meaning behind the colors of the rainbow, such as even though they vary by color, they still unite as a single spectrum of beauty A.K.A. Harmony. However, i guess you can't do it well in haiku. Its a good try, needs work, I like it!

                Comment

                • funmonkey54
                  The Chill Keeper
                  • Oct 2007
                  • 4127
                  #5
                  Re: Some of my poems

                  mot too bad

                    Comment

                    • Ice wolf
                      FFR Player
                      • Feb 2007
                      • 852
                      #6
                      Re: Some of my poems

                      I might look at them tomorrow, it's 11:00. I need to go to sleep soon.
                      Reverse for life!




                      ^Way better than 25thhour's link. You know you want to sign up.

                      The best noteskin ever: Skittles

                      Are you having trouble syncing your files? Use DDReamStudio.

                        Comment

                        • jono2007
                          FFR Player
                          • Jan 2007
                          • 516
                          #7
                          Re: Some of my poems

                          Originally posted by dudeguy1212
                          Thanks, I find it hard to balance detail and illusion when writting freestyle poems.

                          And I love haiku and tanka as well.

                          Here are some recent haiku:

                          Rainbow

                          Last drops trickle down
                          Red melts to orange and then blue
                          The rainbow is seen

                          ---------------------------------------------------------

                          Beach

                          Grains slide between toes
                          Gentle waves lapse at the break
                          The ocean meets sand

                          TheseI can almost see and feel, but the others above are not as good. Zythus has a very good point, don't be so literal that it makes too much sense, if you understand what I mean.

                            Comment

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