Poem WIP

Re: Poem WIP

Well, at least I know it's not awful - no one posted to complain

Also double post

Re: Poem WIP

I'm a poetry fanboy, and I think its great!

I'm not a person who writes in a wide variety of poetical devices and style, but my thoughts on the downside is that it gets a little too wordy. That is, from my perspective. It occurred to me as being portrayed more as a tasty story rather than a refined poem.

"Well Zythus, you certainly talk big, where the hell is your non-wordy crap then?"

Just to say what kind of style I write, I guess you can check my profile banner. I go more for deep metaphorical expression and impressions with much alliteration and allusion. So it turned out.... like..... O_O

But screw my perspective, whats good is good! good job, kept going

Re: Poem WIP

Pros:
I really liked the "arrangement" of the sentences in this poem. For example, "The gift of musical genius he was given," or "down he'd write them." It is my favorite thing about this poem other than the idea or what the poem is based on.


Cons:
Genius is misspelled.

The first quatrain was alright in terms of rhyming. Because prison and omen both have two syllables, both syllables should rhyme in my opinion.

The second is good.

The third has the same problem with the first. Because given and barren both have two syllables, both syllables should rhyme in my opinion. Also, because melodies and stories both have two (or more) syllables, the last two syllables should rhyme in my opinion.

The fourth is O.K. Skull and joyful don't rhyme very well.


I am unfamiliar with alexandrines, so I did a little research on them. It appears that you're not using French alexandrines. I am therefore unable to comment on my concerns with the length and rhythm of each line, due to lack of comprehension of iambic hexameter/pentameter etc., used in English alexandrines.

EDIT: I have similar feelings with Zythus about the wordiness of the poem, but that is probably because I am unfamiliar with the meter.


Overall: 8/10

I enjoyed it.

Re: Poem WIP

Sorry for the time between response.

Thanks for the comments, really appreciated.

For the rhymes, I went with what I thought was right. Not too sure what you mean when you say that "barren" and "given" should rhyme, because that's what they are supposed to do (The pattern is supposed to be ABAB). Maybe my poem just isn't written in alexandrines after all... It's just 12 syllables per line.

But yeah, I'll probably finish this and write some more.

EDIT: I see what you mean when you say it's too wordy. Quite honestly I didn't really think about that, it was more of a story written in poetry than an expression of something in the form of a poem (if you see what I mean).

For my other poems I'll try to think about that as well.

Re: Poem WIP

Even if English was your first, language, this would be pretty good.

A couple issues I see. Your lack of puncuation gives it kind of a run-on kind of feel which may have led to the wordiness comment. Give the reader a few more places to breathe and that problem will go away. On the second to last line, "were" is misspelled.

I'm not crazy about the third to last line: "And with white chalk on a black board, down he'd write them" It has more hard consonant sounds than any other line and the sentence structure is odd and jarring due to the stresses being compacted in "white chalk" and "black board" (if you change "black board" to "blackboard," that removes one of the stresses, that might help).

"Down he'd write them" sounds like forcing the rhyme as it that colloquialism is never constructed like that. If you're trying to draw more attention to that line, it's ok to keep the stresses where they are, but I'd try to reword it to fix this phrase.

Re: Poem WIP

I've added punctuation, but I still like the "black board" line.