Dreams (poem)

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  • sad_clown
    FFR Player
    • Feb 2006
    • 10

    #1

    Dreams (poem)

    They are a place where your mind freely soars
    Through an endless diamond sky.
    You can feel the lions roar
    And pigs really do fly.

    There is never an ounce of pain
    And fear is very rare.
    The only thing to gain is happiness,
    Unless it is a nightmare.

    Your diamond sky turns a bloody red
    And darkness surrounds you.
    You cry out for help
    But no one can help you.

    Your mind becomes sinister and bare.
    The monstrosity always leaves its mark.
    Your greatest fears come alive
    And jump out of the dark.

    You are left confused and alone.
    All you hear are deep crying moans
    And blood hurdling screams.
    All you want is for the terror to end.

    Finally the terror ends
    And you open your eyes.
    You are no longer afraid
    And the darkness is gone.

    The are the thoughts in your mind.
    Joyfullness and terror.
    Both of which are assigned
    To everyones dreams.
  • Ice wolf
    FFR Player
    • Feb 2007
    • 852

    #2
    Re: Dreams (poem)

    Originally posted by sad_clown
    They are a place where your mind freely soars
    Through an endless diamond sky.
    You can feel the lions roar
    And pigs really do fly.
    I would defintely replace "they" with "dreams," this is, after all, the beginning of the poem. Diamond is a rather odd description (But this is your poem, of course), and I would suggest "hear" rather than to feel sound. "Soars" and "roar" technically don't rhyme.

    Originally posted by sad_clown
    There is never an ounce of pain
    And fear is very rare.
    The only thing to gain is happiness,
    Unless it is a nightmare.
    Pretty good. I would suggest "it's" on the last line. Otherwise, there would be too many syllables. Also, no rhyming.

    Originally posted by sad_clown
    Your diamond sky turns a bloody red
    And darkness surrounds you.
    You cry out for help
    But no one can help you.
    I don't like "help" being in two adjacent lines, but I can't think of any way to change either of the sentences. I wouldn't rhyme "you" with "you."

    Originally posted by sad_clown
    Your mind becomes sinister and bare.
    The monstrosity always leaves its mark.
    Your greatest fears come alive
    And jump out of the dark.
    The last line has too few syllables unless, when reciting, you put an accent on "jump." (Which would be a good word to put an accent on )

    Originally posted by sad_clown
    You are left confused and alone.
    All you hear are deep crying moans
    And blood hurdling screams.
    All you want is for the terror to end.
    Uh oh, no rhyming. Needs major fixing, unless intended.

    Originally posted by sad_clown
    Finally the terror ends
    And you open your eyes.
    You are no longer afraid
    And the darkness is gone.
    Again, no rhyming.

    Originally posted by sad_clown
    The are the thoughts in your mind.
    Joyfullness and terror.
    Both of which are assigned
    To everyones dreams.
    Could use a little more rhyming than "mind" and "assigned."


    Overall, a fairly decent poem. I comment on rhyming, becuase it appears that you intended for it to rhyme.
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