HOMEDEAD

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  • Flyleef
    FFR Player
    • May 2007
    • 401
    #1

    HOMEDEAD

    I want to go home
    I'm lost
    My new friend can guide me there
    It's not too far
    He knows where to go
    Everywhere is empty
    There's not much left
    Only one road leading to death
    No matter how many times the colors of the seasons change,
    these feelings will never wither, swaying like a flower
    If this is just a dream, then let it be a dream. I don't care.
    My heart, filled with loving radiance
    Is forever thinking of you.

    These words that we play are a pleasant melody
    All I want is to have you by my side,
    so that I won't lose my smiling eyes
    even on a night when we can't see the twinkling of the stars.
    Tags: None
    • Verruckter
      FFR Player
      • Apr 2004
      • 2707
      #2
      Re: HOMEDEAD

      IMO it really lacks something, a specific style, figures of speech, etc.

      Everything is too direct, too short, it really feels like it's going nowhere. You should develop more, add details... Why is there only death? Why do you feel that way? What does this feeling remind you of? Trees, roads, children, etc...
      Truth lies in loneliness, When hope is long gone by -Blind Guardian, The Soulforged
      Image removed for size violation.

        Comment

        • XCraigeX
          FFR Player
          • Nov 2007
          • 45
          #3
          Re: HOMEDEAD

          verruckter makes a very valid point - but i will comment on what seems good about it. It actually does have a sense of shape - you really just need to develop it - In my opinion.

          Good luck with that mate.
          Reality is what you make it.

            Comment

            • imajrockette
              FFR Player
              • Apr 2007
              • 36
              #4
              Re: HOMEDEAD

              i love your poems alot.your a good writier ^^.i agree with the other 2 veruckeer makes a good point a real good one.your poem is still pretty good though ^^.i wish you the best with poetry.good luck ^^


              ▄▀ ♥◘ ▄▀ ♥◘ music is love▄▀ ♥◘

                Comment

                • Flyleef
                  FFR Player
                  • May 2007
                  • 401
                  #5
                  Re: HOMEDEAD

                  thanks for the tips everyone
                  No matter how many times the colors of the seasons change,
                  these feelings will never wither, swaying like a flower
                  If this is just a dream, then let it be a dream. I don't care.
                  My heart, filled with loving radiance
                  Is forever thinking of you.

                  These words that we play are a pleasant melody
                  All I want is to have you by my side,
                  so that I won't lose my smiling eyes
                  even on a night when we can't see the twinkling of the stars.

                    Comment

                    • XCraigeX
                      FFR Player
                      • Nov 2007
                      • 45
                      #6
                      Re: HOMEDEAD

                      your most welcome. In addition to my previous comment - i do also like the flow of the story, i like the way it progresses - evident through your own writing craft i presume. Either way, i enjoyed reading it and hope to see more
                      Reality is what you make it.

                        Comment

                        • SnS
                          FFR Veteran
                          • Jun 2007
                          • 680
                          #7
                          Re: HOMEDEAD

                          If I imagine your poem, I see a drug addict.

                            Comment

                            • Ice wolf
                              FFR Player
                              • Feb 2007
                              • 852
                              #8
                              Re: HOMEDEAD

                              The last three lines leave too many questions for me (Which could be good or bad, depending on if you wanted it to do that or not.) and don't seem to relate to the beginning, or each other.
                              Last edited by Ice wolf; 04-12-2008, 11:06 AM.
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