Newer Poem

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  • andy-o24
    Married Man
    • May 2006
    • 1525
    #1

    Newer Poem

    I wrote this about 4 days ago from sheer boredom. I've only had 2 people read it so far and they both thought it was alright. I figured, I'd let the people of FFR tell me what they think.

    I'm a Friend

    I'm the friend you wished you had
    the one who rarely gets too mad
    the one you look at when you're sad
    and hope you never look that bad.

    I'm the friend who stays until the end
    the one who's mind you'll never bend
    the one that doesn't follow trend
    but always wants you to pretend.

    Pretend that I'm not only here
    to be the sollice for your fears
    that sometime within many years
    I'll become something through my tears.

    I'm the friend who's sitting there
    arm 'round your shoulder when you're scared
    I'm the one you know will always care
    when you're hearts broken, soul is teared

    I'm the friend you wished you had
    the who's there through good and bad
    the one you can call when you're mad
    and know he'll come with open hands.

    I'm that friend.
    The only trend.
    Learn to look beyond my skin.
    And look beyond and look within.
    Originally posted by hi19hi19
    Best strat: enjoy the game, play what you feel like when you feel like it. Don't think about what you are doing or why, enjoy the gameplay, the artistry behind the stepfile, and enjoy the music.

    When the game isn't fun for you anymore, take a break. It's not a job, nobody here is professional and getting paid to play and force themselves to constantly improve... it's a game.

    Originally posted by Shashakiro
    Yeah, FFR is addicting...I don't think I'll get bored with this game unless I somehow become the best at it, which won't happen.
    Tags: None
    • Tokzic
      FFR Player
      • May 2005
      • 6878
      #2
      Re: Newer Poem

      Rhyme is your death here. Not only did you do it horribly, but you chose rhyme in favour of coherancy. Some lines are completely irrelevant (e.g. the one who's mind you'll never bend), some sound utterly stupid (e.g. the entire first stanza) and others make no sense whatsoever (e.g. "I'll become something through my tears.") just because you wanted to make it rhyme. Sometimes you don't rhyme at all, and other times just do it inconstistantly. You also ditch rhythm in favour of rhyme, which would be fine if you attempted enjambment, but you didn't.

      The idea itself is really poorly executed. Repetition is great when you're writing a song, but not every poem ever. Grammar errors about, especially at line breaks.

      Last edited by Tokzic: Today at 11:59 PM. Reason: wait what

        Comment

        • mead1
          Cerebellumberjack
          FFR Simfile Author
          • Aug 2003
          • 3960
          #3
          Re: Newer Poem

          Everything that tokzic said.

          Also, the word is "solace" not "sollice"

          Also, the word is "your" not "you're"

          Also, the word is "heart's" not "hearts"

          Also, the word is "torn" not "teared"

          And you probably want to replace "wished" with "wish" in every case, since "wished" is past tense, and none of the rest of the poem is.

          Grammar rules can be broken in favor of creativity, but this poem isn't creative or even remotely well-executed, so the terrible grammar just makes it look more ridiculous.

            Comment

            • All_That_Chaz
              Supreme Dictator For Life
              • Apr 2004
              • 5874
              #4
              Re: Newer Poem

              The aaaa bbbb cccc etc rhyme scheme always sounds sappy, especially when you don't enjamb and rhyme words all of a second grade or lower vocabulary. If you're going to use quatrains, try to stick to a rhythm scheme. The tried and true scheme is interlaced iambic tetrameter and iambic trimeter rhymed abab or abxb followed by cdcd or cdxd and so forth.
              Back to "Back to Earth"
              Originally posted by FoJaR
              dammit chaz
              Originally posted by FoJaR
              god dammit chaz
              Originally posted by MalReynolds
              I bet when you live in a glass house, the temptation to throw stones is magnified strictly because you're not supposed to.

                Comment

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