What do you think?

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  • FallenXxRaven
    FFR Player
    • Apr 2007
    • 380

    #1

    What do you think?

    Sometimes I randomly write poems, and my friends say they are really good, so I figured I'd see what you guys think of them. I'll edit in some more later if you guys like them. Anyway here goes. (Some have more than one verse, some dont, so I'll number them). Alright it seems they arent too bad so ill post a few more. (And sorry if the second line of #2 offends anyone.)

    #1 Apocolyptic horsemen riding forth from Hell
    Leaving naught but misery from their putrid trail
    Galloping toward Micheal with weapons tight in hand
    Towards the gates of heaven through the lake of sand
    Archangels do battle with the darkened Faust
    And as Satan rises up Micheal fears that all is lost
    With none but Him left to defend Heaven's gate
    The demon army rises up, led by Satan full of hate
    Light and Dark clash, blood spilling 'round their feet
    And with a crushing blow Heaven suffers full defeat

    #2 The lady Bathory sings from her room
    Tales of her servants with c*nts in full bloom
    Locked in her tower day fades into night
    The countess alone masturbates with a knife
    The screams of her bloodlust echo o'er the hills
    Exciting the victims of her many kills
    The prayers being said for the sake of their souls
    Were cut short as corpses rose up for their tolls
    Last edited by FallenXxRaven; 10-29-2007, 01:47 PM.
    Chris Huntress 1:37 pm
    I aaa'd vROFL
    without any lube
  • ShastaTwist
    FFR Veteran
    • Sep 2004
    • 599

    #2
    Re: What do you think?

    I think the rhythm is a bit sporadic.

    Comment

    • FallenXxRaven
      FFR Player
      • Apr 2007
      • 380

      #3
      Re: What do you think?

      I know, I have that problem with a lot of my poems but I can never think of any other ways to say things, but other than the rythm it isnt too bad is it?
      Chris Huntress 1:37 pm
      I aaa'd vROFL
      without any lube

      Comment

      • sente3
        a brew
        • Feb 2005
        • 703

        #4
        Re: What do you think?

        The rhyme sceme is a couplets if I'm correct, serves for a very melodic reading IMO. I like it. Also, very good use of imagery in a small amount of lines. Good work.

        Comment

        • ShastaTwist
          FFR Veteran
          • Sep 2004
          • 599

          #5
          Re: What do you think?

          Originally posted by FallenXxRaven
          I know, I have that problem with a lot of my poems but I can never think of any other ways to say things, but other than the rythm it isnt too bad is it?
          No, it's very good. You have suitable diction.

          Comment

          • FallenXxRaven
            FFR Player
            • Apr 2007
            • 380

            #6
            Re: What do you think?

            New poem, hope the bumps acceptable

            In love with the night
            a raven in flight
            Her breath upon me
            This Gothic romance
            Caught me like a lance
            Skewered hopes and shattered dreams
            This fantasy ends, it seems

            Hell has seen no love
            As is mine to her
            And Heaven hath no fury
            As is mine fresh in murder

            The Devil's kin
            Fresh on my skin
            As my lustful sin
            With Coming I win

            Now my soul broken by love lost
            I take my place beside dark Faust
            Overcome by grief and pain
            I dive, alive, into the lake of flame
            Chris Huntress 1:37 pm
            I aaa'd vROFL
            without any lube

            Comment

            • blackbuterfly451
              FFR Player
              • Mar 2005
              • 107

              #7
              Re: What do you think?

              I think that both poems are really great; I especially like the first one.
              I think some of the rhyming in the second poem doesn't really fit so much, but I also understand that if it didn't rhyme it would throw the fluidity of the poem off a bit.

              My constructive criticism would be to rework the two lines that say "As my lustful sin/With coming I win"

              and keep on writing !

              Comment

              • FallenXxRaven
                FFR Player
                • Apr 2007
                • 380

                #8
                Re: What do you think?

                No new poem yet but heres a new version of that entire verse, Butterfly

                With lust in my eyes
                I come in her thighs
                And she begs to be freed
                From fullfilled fantasies

                With lust in my eyes
                I come between her thighs
                And she begs to be freed
                From fullfilled fantasies

                Better? I think "in her" actually works better
                Last edited by FallenXxRaven; 12-23-2007, 03:45 PM.
                Chris Huntress 1:37 pm
                I aaa'd vROFL
                without any lube

                Comment

                • blackbuterfly451
                  FFR Player
                  • Mar 2005
                  • 107

                  #9
                  Re: What do you think?

                  It sounds better, though maybe the word "between" would work better than "in her".

                  What do you think?

                  --- okay! 'twas just a suggestion. I think it's still a good poem, regardless of the words. Still means the same thing :]
                  Last edited by blackbuterfly451; 12-23-2007, 05:39 PM.

                  Comment

                  • Adamaja456
                    Absurd
                    • Dec 2006
                    • 6433

                    #10
                    Re: What do you think?

                    i like the first poem


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                    • ShastaTwist
                      FFR Veteran
                      • Sep 2004
                      • 599

                      #11
                      Re: What do you think?

                      "In her thighs" doesn't really make any sense.

                      Comment

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