another poem made by be (an unfinished project)

Re: another poem made by be (an unfinished project)

Okay. I can see you're actually trying to improve, which is admirable, so I'm going to actually give you some tips here.

First and foremost - fix your spelling and grammar. If you want people to take your stuff seriously, you've got to make sure that it's grammatically sound. Close doesn't cut it because it should be natural to you. Fix your errors in this - it's "too", not "to", for example; that's only a start though.

Avoid all cliches. That's what's killing your poems. When people read cliches, they skip over them because they've been desensitized to them. People have seen roses being a symbol for love billions of times and using a rose in your poem in this standard way has no power at all. If you insist on making all of your poems about love, can you at least make them original?

If you can make a poem with these problems fixed I'll help you further, but these are what are stopping people from taking you seriously.

Re: another poem made by be (an unfinished project)

It was good all-in-all, but I agree with Tokzic. Watch your grammar and spelling, avoid cliches, and try to get the flow right. Good luck with your writing! ^-^

Re: another poem made by be (an unfinished project)

This honestly isn't directed at anyone, because this is much better than your last. Tokzic covered the ground I would have hit on.

MEAD'S EASY GUIDELINES TO MAKING POETRY FFR WILL LIKE

1. Do not make your poem about love, it will end up cliche and boring

2. Do not write a poem about someone you care about but don't necessarily love, it will end up cliche and boring.

3. Do not write your poem about the pain in your life, it will end up cliche and boring.

4. A rhyme scheme, while not 100% required, will, nine times out of ten, make your poem better then some free verse ****.

5. Grammar and spelling can be forsaken in the name of art occasionally, but if your poem isn't strong to begin with, grammar and spelling mistakes will make you look stupid.

6. Write sestinas. They ****ing rule.

7. You probably shouldn't write a whole poem based around a theme that is not well-hinted at. Do not assume that everyone will take from your poem exactly what you meant to be taken from it. People view things differently. If you write a long ass, incredibly clever poem about the changing of the seasons, which is actually an allusion to the russian revolution, but I think it's actually about dongs, it's the fault of the writer, not the reader.

8. Do not write poems based around format. Posting something on FFR ****s up the formatting royally, so if you create a poem about the sea which is in the shape of a ship, don't expect it to stay ship-shaped. Outside of FFR, this is a clever idea, but should never be the focus of your poem. Shape is neat, and it's cool the first time you see it done well, but it doesn't increase the strength of your poem.

9. Take criticism of previous work in to account. Remember that when you post your poem in a public place, you will get two kinds of responses.

Response type A is:

Random Poster A: omgg gud

Response B is:

Random Poster B: It was good, but here's what I thought was wrong with it: (list of items)

If you think the more valuable input is poster A, stop reading this and go drink some bleach. Criticism is good. Remember that you are the writer, and you will never be able to see all the faults in your own work. The people who honestly criticize you are worth several hundred mindless "lol guds".

10. Remember these guidelines are only important until you're a respected member of the FFR community and the whole lit. forum will eat up whatever **** you put out regardless of it's quality. At that point, no matter what you write, everyone will post "lol gud," so you no longer have to worry about writing well.

Re: another poem made by be (an unfinished project)

Point 10 is especially important.

Re: another poem made by be (an unfinished project)

I disagree 100%. Hard rhyming is an extremely lame and novice poetic device. Rhyming (outside of lyrics) connotes superficiality. Don't get into the habit of rhyming if you plan on being taken seriously as a poet.

Re: another poem made by be (an unfinished project)

Writing a good sestina is just about impossible especially for the garden-variety lit poster. ...You and your damn sestinas. When's your birthday, mead? I'll write you one of those silly sestinas you're always clamoring for.

Re: another poem made by be (an unfinished project)

I think he was assuming rhythm to be part of "rhyme scheme", as he was making a distinction between free verse and more standard poetry.

The way I see it, if you're not going to follow a rhythm structure (even one which you purposefully break on occasion or frequently) then your "poem" had better run a bunch of literary devices into the ground with use.

Most good poems are either very pretty (in language, with good rhythm and maybe even rhyme) or very deep (with devices and subjectivism).

The OP's poem threw pretty out the window with no rhyme or rhythm, and is pretty cliche, which is as deep as a kiddie pool. It's most certainly better than previous poems posted here, but still needs work.

Also, "she lies on the floor in vain" doesn't make any sense.

--Guido

Re: another poem made by be (an unfinished project)

Hm, in all honestly this poem really sucked - but since everyone else is saying that you've improved, and I haven't read your previous stuff, I won't be too hard on you.

What I want to do is give you some advice. It is not advice about how to improve your poem, because (and I'm not saying this to be mean), I think it's pretty worthless. There isn't much to salvage. So here is a method I would reccomend for writing a good poem. Things to keep in mind: Know what your words mean. Focus more on getting meaning across than on making your poem "pretty". Your poem is very much "fluff"-style; pretty with no substance. Fluff style is not good. Fluff style, like fluff, is very weak and has no substance.


1. Pick a topic. Pick a good topic. Not a girl dying on the floor. Pick something that makes you happy, or makes you sad, or makes you think - or all three, and isn't cliche. Dying is cliche. Love is cliche.

2. Grab a pen and paper, or open up notepad, and JUST KEEP WRITING/TYPING about your topic. Don't worry about grammar, punctuation, flow, sense, or anything. Just write and write about the topic until you can't write anymore.

3. Of all the things you have written, pick the most concrete concepts and imagery that you think would go well into your poem. IGNORE THE WORDS and think about what you are actually saying with the words you've written. In other words, don't pick a fragment because you like the phrase "emotionally empty" - ignore that. Find the best images and concepts instead.

4. Finally, we are going to construct the poem. Create a story, scene, picture, or mood out of your fragments. It doesn't have to be very long. In my opinion, the best poetry is concise and powerful. Piece the concepts together to make grammatical, logical, and flow sense. You're starting to mold the poem into what you actually want.

5. Remove any words which might be needless, redundant, or wordy. Consider replacing complicated words with simpler ones.

6. Optional: Alter your poem such that it has a rhythm/rhyme scheme that you like.




This might get you a little further. Other people might disagree with my steps. Yes, it's a lot of work. But good poetry takes a lot of work. You can't just write things down willy-nilly and say it's a poem - well, you can, but unless you're a poetic genius, it won't be any good.

I haven't addressed line breaks. Put a line break in wherever a small thought stops. Like a miniature sentence. Or, you can add line breaks in the middle of thoughts, to give emphasis on the two words that you separated.

Re: another poem made by be (an unfinished project)

itt everyone on ffr gives a guide to poetry

i think what you're trying to say here is "fluff looks and feels pleasant enough but when you hit someone with it, it has no impact whatsoever

also, if you put it between your hands and push from all sides, you see how much actual material is in it"

Re: another poem made by be (an unfinished project)

The point about love poems ALWAYS being cliche is ridiculous. Many, many classic poetry is about the subject.

For a direct and famous example, the Shakespearean sonnets.

However, it IS much more difficult to pull off something original with such a beaten subject. You have to be VERY creative and round-a-bout in your way of description for it to be considered original.

As far as your poem goes, the subject has been addressed, so I'll just comment of the setup and general syntax. You obviously like following a rhyme scheme, which is fine, I honestly prefer it myself. Unfortunately, when you follow a specific scheme, it is almost required to follow a certain syllabic flow with it. Meaning, rhyming lines should have equal, or nearly equal numbers of syllables, otherwise the poem will not flow and will seem very non-melodic.

In short, try for several subject areas, and work of the overall flow of your poetry.