A little bit of writing to quell my boredom: Intro

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  • Specforces
    Yes
    • Jan 2004
    • 5028

    #1

    A little bit of writing to quell my boredom: Intro

    This is for fun, I don't expect to make a real book or anything. Besides, I'm only an average writer.

    In the Details
    Prologue

    If the Devil does not exist, and man has therefore created him, he has created him in his own image and likeness.

    Dostoyevsky

    The room was not bright by any standard; it was as if the darkness of the night had crept in through the window and swallowed up the fragments of artificial light. Most rooms in this apartment were fairly cheap and dank. Smells created by the previous owners still lingered in the dust, like marks that signified their dominion in between its walls; this apartment had not been throughly cleaned in a long time. He didn't care, however. It was home, and the small inconvenience of cat piss and stains would not repel him. The man was of average build, sort of the unassuming type. His clothes, slightly tattered, were the type of clothes you would expect to see on a man down on his luck, an old suit coat and a pair of old slacks. He had not slept for days, not well for months. It was if something specifically denied him the human right to rest.

    Human, I'm not human anymore.

    The mirror laughed at him, taunting him with an image of what he looked like today. It was a shadow of what he once was, a mockery of God's original creation. His face was tired. Both of his eyes showed no signs of human emotion, he was a monster. The lines in his face were deep, and right to the left of his right eye was a scar, long since healed but obviously never to be forgotten. As he sat in the corner, a prisoner of his own weary mind, he noticed the air became cold and stale.

    Strange, it's in the middle of the summer.

    "Hello, Dendrick." An ethereal voice of unknown origin seemed to have come from the ceiling and the walls.

    Dendrick stood up and walked towards the center of his room, now grasping the small pocket knife he had in his coat.

    "Who the fuck is there?!" Yelled Dendrick, the anxiety in his voice apparent only through the wavering pronouciation of the word "fuck."

    You know me. The voice no longer came from the room, it was now in his mind. He could not understand how this was possible. The voice was human, yet it was not. It sent chills down his spine and resurrected a feeling of fear that Dendrick had long since grown cold towards. He was well aware of this feeling. It reminded him of the time he almost died; the same cold crept into his bones. In almost an instant, his memory flashed him back to his close demise. It was clear to him, almost as if he were there again. The song from his past played indefinitely in his head. In those last moments he remembered only the indescribable feeling of death. He abandoned all hope and let go of the possibility of living. This feeling could most accurately be described in two words: helplessness and dread.

    Dendrick, I have something I want you to do... for me.

    WHO ARE YOU!? GO THE FUCK AWAY!

    Dendrick fought back, unaware of how useless his efforts were. But soon the voice and the feelings of dread subsided and Dendrick felt a little bit better. But the uneasiness would not go away, and though he did not know it yet, it would never go away. This encounter was but a glimpse, a preview of what was to come.

    Dendrick trudged back towards his chair and filled a dirty glass with some cheap whiskey he had purchased at the gas station earlier that day. He drank because it helped him sleep, but more importantly it helped him forget. As he slowly slipped into a silent slumber, he could only hold onto the feelings this voice evoked. Uncertain was the future.
    Last edited by Specforces; 05-6-2008, 11:28 AM.
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  • All_That_Chaz
    Supreme Dictator For Life
    • Apr 2004
    • 5874

    #2
    Re: A little bit of writing to quell my boredom: Intro

    ooh, I like. is that quote from Brothers K or Crime and Punishment? i can't remember. regardless, this bit of writing makes me think of a modern day equivalent of Ivan from Bros. K. This character has excellent depth that can definitely be expanded upon in (hopefully for all of us) future writing.

    as for critique, the first instance of "fuck" kind of came out of nowhere and startled me for a bit. the Dostoyevky quote and the elaborate imagery of the opening (which is supremely well done I might add) made the diction seem rather high, and it was quickly dashed with the swear word. this feeling was jolting, but not so much in a good way. this could perhaps be alleviated by giving him a line of two of dialogue, even if it's just in his head, with some hint to what kind of language this guy uses. i like the use of swearing later is it personalizes the terror he's feeling at the unknown (presumably the devil's) voice.

    also, i would expand upon the thought he had where he's relating this experience to a time that he almost died. just a glimpse of a scene would be perfect. for example, if he nearly drowned, you could say something like, "In almost an instant, his memory flashed him back to his close demise. He remembered how cold his clothes felt stuck against his terrified skin as he gasped desperate life-giving breaths." or something like that.

    There are other small changes I'd make that are vocabulary preferences of mine. I'd say "cat urine" instead of cat piss as the diction there seems too high for the use of piss. I also never liked how "almost died" sounds. I always prefer "nearly died." Finally, I'd rephrase, "...and Dendrick felt a little bit better." It sounds too juvenile. You already said that the dread subsided so you could conceivably cut that phrase out.

    well done!
    -Chaz
    Back to "Back to Earth"
    Originally posted by FoJaR
    dammit chaz
    Originally posted by FoJaR
    god dammit chaz
    Originally posted by MalReynolds
    I bet when you live in a glass house, the temptation to throw stones is magnified strictly because you're not supposed to.

    Comment

    • Specforces
      Yes
      • Jan 2004
      • 5028

      #3
      Re: A little bit of writing to quell my boredom: Intro

      The whole use of curse words and vile diction is my attempt to add a certain amount of grit to it. I want it to be a noir of sorts. Thoughts?

      Thank you for your criticisms though, they're very constructive.
      Check Out My Music

      Comment

      • All_That_Chaz
        Supreme Dictator For Life
        • Apr 2004
        • 5874

        #4
        Re: A little bit of writing to quell my boredom: Intro

        As long as the swearing is contained within the thoughts and words of the characters, you can retain the noir-like feel and still have some "grit" to it. You just want to avoid the narration swearing at the reader. Even if you want the reader to be disturbed, you want them to be disturbed by the action of the story, not the recanting by the narrator. Perhaps it's just me, but I always felt that a noir always had a somewhat dignified feel to them even though the subject matter is something closer to pulp

        The feel of your personal story is always strengthened by simply sticking with one good frame of story-telling and going with it. You want to create a whole world in this dark light you've created. A few more chapters would solidify your framework in the reader's mind and nothing would seem out of place.
        Back to "Back to Earth"
        Originally posted by FoJaR
        dammit chaz
        Originally posted by FoJaR
        god dammit chaz
        Originally posted by MalReynolds
        I bet when you live in a glass house, the temptation to throw stones is magnified strictly because you're not supposed to.

        Comment

        • Specforces
          Yes
          • Jan 2004
          • 5028

          #5
          Re: A little bit of writing to quell my boredom: Intro

          Originally posted by All_That_Chaz
          A few more chapters would solidify your framework in the reader's mind and nothing would seem out of place.
          That's what I'm going for.
          Check Out My Music

          Comment

          • ShastaTwist
            FFR Veteran
            • Sep 2004
            • 599

            #6
            Re: A little bit of writing to quell my boredom: Intro

            I don't think it's from The Brothers Karamazov.

            I liked it, darling. Chaz pretty much covered everything.


            Your Favorite Jailbait,
            Shasta
            Last edited by ShastaTwist; 10-15-2007, 05:18 PM.

            Comment

            • All_That_Chaz
              Supreme Dictator For Life
              • Apr 2004
              • 5874

              #7
              Re: A little bit of writing to quell my boredom: Intro

              Originally posted by ShastaTwist
              I don't think it's from The Brothers Karamazov.
              you sure? it really sounds like it would be something ivan would say...


              oh and...
              Originally posted by ShastaTwist
              Everyone's Favorite Jailbait,
              Shasta
              fix'd
              Back to "Back to Earth"
              Originally posted by FoJaR
              dammit chaz
              Originally posted by FoJaR
              god dammit chaz
              Originally posted by MalReynolds
              I bet when you live in a glass house, the temptation to throw stones is magnified strictly because you're not supposed to.

              Comment

              • ShastaTwist
                FFR Veteran
                • Sep 2004
                • 599

                #8
                Re: A little bit of writing to quell my boredom: Intro

                Originally posted by All_That_Chaz
                you sure? it really sounds like it would be something ivan would say...
                Okay, yeah, you're right.

                Comment

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