An experimental piece of writing.

Sometimes one gets an incredible bout of graphophelia, the uncontrollable urge to write. I had one of these in the spring of 2006. I was a junior at northwestern and I was in therapy because apparently my neighbor caught me writing a suicide note while I was high as a kite. I was in a lonely place and most of my college years were spent getting over a chick that hurt me when I was 18. Cheryl my therapist gave me pills but I flushed them down the toilet. I didn't like how they made me feel.
Anyway I'm getting off topic. I told Cheryl I was going to see Fay for the first time in years and she asked me what I thought about that. Well, that's just about the worst thing she could've said. I couldn't sleep for days because that's all I could think about. One night I gave up and submitted and wrote down what I imagined our future could be like. I wrote about 8 pages single spaced over the course of about 7 hours, not stopping. The result of this is below. It's the most tl;dr thing ever, so any reading of it at all would be appreciated. You won't recognize the names I have in here, and I don't think I really introduce them as characters since it's not a story but a recanting of events. I don't even know if this is really the right forum for this, but whatever. It's an experiment in predictive journal-writing.
And I apologize for how emo it is. I was in a bad place.

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Cheryl got me talking about Fay since I'll be seeing her over spring break. She asked me what it meant to me to see her again and I started rattling off the things about her that I loved so much e.g. the way her hair bounces, that melting giggle of her's, the sigh she used to let out when I would hug her that I could feel on my neck, shoulder and back that sounded like she had just escaped from something terrible and everything was now going to be alright. She then asked me if I wanted to get back together with her. I told her I didn't like to think about that, and told her that that subject was what messed me up for a good year and a half after we broke up. She backed off after that. I also said something along of the lines of "it wasn't meant to be" or some ****. Y'know, the whole, "she's in love with siggy and i can be happy for her" shpiel. Well, I also said that I could play out our whole future together in a minute. It's been bothering me to no end because I keep thinking about it, so I thought maybe I'd go ahead and write it out.

Spring Break, 2006. Fay tells me that she broke up with Siggy while we're driving home from a movie or something. She said she broke up with him a month ago or so, but didn't want to tell me until she could tell me in person, because she didn't know how I would react. I tell her that I'm glad she told me, but I don't direct the conversation towards us and more or less ignore it.

Spring Quarter, 2006. For the first few weeks of spring quarter, we don't call each other much. Partly because it's a little awkward and partly becuase I'm really busy with my internship seminar. I stew over wondering if she wants me back or if she just told me because I'm her friend. She doesn't want to call me because she ignores ignorable problems. At about week four, I call her. I don't make any mention of us because I'm still uncertain if she wants me back or if I'm even in love with her. We just go back to the friendly banter that we had grown accustomed to over the last year or so. It's just as it was before, and we're great. This continues right until the end of the school year.

Summer, 2006. I'm doing Marketing/PR with a the Wilma in Philadelphia and Fay is working at a summer camp. In the beginning we don't see each other often, but we talk on the phone at least a couple times a week. We agree to get together the Saturday before July 4th. I take her out to South Street (or she takes me out... as it were, stupid liz taking my car). We get dinner at Bridget Foyes or something, as long as it's nicer than a pizza stand or something. Afterwards we peruse the shops, looking at posters at Beyond the Wall, checking out music at various places, giggle ourselves to tears at silly books at the shoe, etc. It's getting late, and the street we're walking on is somewhat deserted. You can faintly see the sunset in the background. I stop her and look her in the eyes and the dialogue goes something like this:

Paul - "Fay, I've thought a lot about us for a while now. I've had a lot of time to grow since we broke up all that time ago. I want you back."
Fay - (turns away and looks down) "I don't know..."
Paul - "The time apart has really made me think about what love is. I've learned so much. I'm nothing like who I used to be."
Fay - (no response, continues to stare down and to the right)
Paul - (I kiss her just below her jaw on the left side of her neck) "I love you, Fay."
Fay - (she looks up at me, eyes shining with tears) "I just don't know..."
Paul - "I love you."
Fay - (hesitates, then leans in a kisses me)

We stay locked in embrace for what seems like an eternity. An eternity of bliss. I haven't felt this way in such a long time. I've found what love is again. Seemingly proving that she was always the one for me. After our lips separate she whispers, "I love you too." We go back to my house and she decides to stay the night. Luckily for me, mom is at stan's and liz is out for the night, so we have the house to ourselves. We cuddle and kiss all night long. We don't have sex, but this is far more intimate. When we wake up late the next morning, still in eachother's arms, she tells me she has to go. so I go down the stairs with her and kiss her goodbye. She drives off and I've never been happier. This vision of my future went from lonely to beautiful.

I can hardly concentrate at my job for the rest of the summer, and it shows. When someone asks if something is going on or wrong I just smile at them. I eventually control myself and get back to working extremely well. My supervisor starts talking to me about working with the Wilma after I graduate. I unsuccessfully attempt to restrain my enthusiasm. I attribute this in part to my overall general happiness that being together with Fay again has given me. We still don't see eachother all that often, about once every two weeks, but we are in love. Sometimes we make love, sometimes we don't, but we're adults and we know that intimacy isn't just about sex. (But the sex is great, haha.) At the end of the summer I bid her farewell (as she starts school a bit before I do) and I spend the rest of the summer just basking in the beauty of it all. She calls me a lot, almost as much as I call her, talking about how school is starting up and stuff; the same stuff we talked about before we got back together, but it ends with, "I love you."

Meanwhile during the summer, Jeff Peck is going on tour throughout the western suburbs of Philadelphia doing those silly shows for children. I tell him to get contacts wherever he goes, and to get donations whenever possible. Robin is drafting grant proposals. At night I'm writing rough drafts of business plans and financial models "for fun." I'm excited that this *might* happen. I still don't think we'll last long, but it's my dream and I want to live it, dammit!

Fall Quarter, 2006. I'm taking Russian Lit and a couple Econ courses. It's plenty of work but nothing like Winter or Spring quarter of junior year. A couple problem sets each week and some reading, no problem. I'm living with Ross and Tim at 2213 Ridge 3A and it's a blast. We play a lot of beer pong and chill out constantly. I'm calling Fay all the time. We never run out of things to talk about and I've never been happier. I begin to think about wanting to be with Fay for the rest of my life, but it's still to early to give that serious thought. We've only been back together for 3 months. It would be best for both of us if I wait. Although she doesn't call me all that often, I'm not paranoid or nervous about it because I know she loves me and she's working extremely hard at Wooster. I don't get to see her over Thanksgiving break because I'm in Florida, which is fine, it's designated family time for both of us. Although I don't tell Brian what's going on, he can tell that I'm happy for the first time in a long time so I eventually tell him everything and we go out drinking to celebrate (psh, we would have gone out drinking anyway, but I'm calling it celebratory drinking). During reading week and finals week, I do get more calls from Fay about how stressed out she is, and I assure her that I love her and that she's going to do fine, more than fine, she's going to do amazing because she is Fay and Fay is amazing. That get's a giggle out of her. I love that I can make her feel better with humor. Fay gives me purpose. I have three finals myself. I'm reasonably stressed, but Fay helps me out, and I was more able to keep up in the work than I have in the past. I end up with an A- and two B+'s, a 3.43 quarter GPA, the best grades I've gotten at NU yet.

Winter Break, 2006 We get together as often as we can. We talk about everything. Like how stoked I am to be working at the Wilma after this year as a Marketing/PR Associate, and how Fay is finding her own in the music program. Everything seems to be going right. We go out a lot. We don't have a ton of money, but we find gong ice skating or seeing movies together or just hanging out watching dvds or just talking to be fantastic. I talk about how Jeff and I talked about the different communities he visited. We picked one out that seemed enthusiastic about giving us some aid in setting up shop in their town. They have drama taught in the schools, and the school plays are big events in the town, but since it's a good hour from Philly, few people go into town. There's a large elderly community and lots of kids. It's in a fairly rural type suburb, and is pretty wealthy on average, seems perfect. I tell Fay about how Jeff wants to start right away, since he and Robin are having problems affording to live on Robin's salary, so I encourage Jeff to get a job teaching. In York, where they live at the moment. He begrudgingly agreed. Anyway, I got off-topic. Fay and I are still very much in love. Our 6-month anniversary (January 2nd) just happens to be the day that I have to fly back to NU. She surprises me at the airport and gives me a goodbye kiss.

Winter Quarter, 2007 I'm taking a joke course like intro music or something, an econ course (monopoly and public policy, my last BIP requirement), and some other course, perhaps more econ. I'll be the first to admit that I'm coasting a little, but I deserve it, and I already have a job for after I graduate. Bryan has come back from his abroad with tons of great stories, so the apartment is crowded with myself, Ross, Tim and Bryan, and Caroline is over a lot. Ryan, Paul, Prem, Laura and Julie are over often too. I love this apartment. Bryan can tell that I'm happier (he's awesome) and I tell him about Fay. I tell him that I'm thinking of proposing to her. He tells me similar things about Caroline. We are really close from here on out. Again, Fay and I talk often. The love hasn't faded, but I'd say that we're more mature now. I would say that before this point, we were still excited about just being back together. That excitement has worn off, but we are still in love beyond our wildest dreams. The quarter goes pretty smoothly. We help eachother when we need it. Stuff is getting easier for Fay to handle on her own, which is nice to see. I love being able to help her, but her being able to get on without using me as a crutch in that part of her life is comforting. I end up with an A in intro music and two B's, great grades. I'm enjoying NU more than I ever had earlier.

Spring Break, 2007 I find it funny how this is the first spring break since 11th grade that I'm not spending searching for internships, since I already have a job for after I graduate. My parents are going off on how proud they are of me and all that garbage. My dad got a new job with a firm in center city, and moved into Philly. He's finally happy, which is nice. My mom, however, is still trying to make due with her law, which isn't going well at all. She doesn't know what to do because her skills are pretty much non-transferrable, and she couldn't compete with fresh out of college students in firms because she can't put in those long hours and she can't imagine giving up her autonomy. Stan is helping her out so she doesn't complain to me often, but I can tell she's really upset. Haha, wanna hear a joke? Stan. Haha. Anyway, Fay and I don't get a chance to get together this Spring Break, as our schedules didn't overlap, but it doesn't bother me, we are in love. My venture with Jeff looks as good as it could get, but I'm still skeptical, I'm an econ major, it's what I do.

Spring Quarter, 2007 My last quarter at NU. I'm taking an econ course and a couple other courses. I doesn't matter what I take at this point. Tim has gone abroad and so it's just myself, Ross and Bryan in the apartment, with Caroline as a frequent visitor. Ryan, Paul, Prem, Laura and Julie are often over as well. I freaking love this apartment! Fay and I call eachother somewhat regularly each night. It's not a chore but after 10 months, patterns are bound to develop. Near the end of the year, Bryan springs the question to Caroline and she accepts. Everyone couldn't be happier for them. We party non-stop in celebration of them and oh yea, graduating. I coast, I really couldn't care less about courses at this point. I wasn't taking anything important. I get a B+ in my econ course and maybe a couple B-'s in whatever else I was taking. My final cumulative GPA is over a 3, and that's fine with me. Since we end later than other schools, Fay shows up at graduation! This is awesome. One of the best days of my life.

Summer, 2007 Uh oh, work world, real life, etc. First thing I do is buy a one-bedroom in Northern Liberties. It's a great location now (a bit expensive though, but I begrudgingly accept a loan from my dad). I start my job at the Wilma as a Markting/PR Associate. My old supervisor is my boss and we get along pretty well. She depends on me a lot and it shows. But more on job mobility later. Fay is working at that summer camp again. We don't talk often but when we do it's apparent that we're still in love. I talk to her about my job and she tells me about the kids at the camp. It's great. Meanwhile, at night and over the weekends, I'm always on the phone with Jeff. It's finally time to start our theater company. I take a trip out to the chosen community to meet the contacts Jeff accumulated. We have secured a number of grants thanks to Robin (thank god! ...and her! thank her, too!) so it's time to get together a board of directors. I get the superintendent of the school system, the president of a local retirement home, a high-ranking executive of a company with it's headquarters close by, and prominant local politician, a couple wealthy well-to-do residents of the town, and a few people from an arts group in Philadelphia to sit on our board of directors. Jeff and I fill out the fill out the forms to form a partnership following the rules of incorporation with the state of Pennsylvania. We're officially started. This took about the whole summer to do because I was working full time in Northeastern Philadelphia. It's a significant drive to this community. However it's finally started. The board elect me to be the Director of Production and Jeff to be General Manager, the two key positions in the organization. Basically, I handle all the business stuff and Jeff handles the arts stuff. We begin planning for our first season. We set up a steady stream of donations from the board, not much, but it's something. We create a plan to start with the more lucrative part of our business plan, the summer program, before we do main-stage stuff. So over the next academic year Jeff will perform in the schools and attempt to get visibility for our project, he'll also be teaching acting classes in the school with the possibility of a production at the end of the school year. Little "teasers." We made a deal with the superintendent (yay me for getting him on the board) to let us use the school auditorium for these classes. I'm extremely busy, but also extremly happy.

Also, I tell Fay to take a day off on Monday, July 2nd, our one-year anniversary. I take her out on the town all day. We stroll around Old City Philadelphia and I take her to dinner at some place really nice. After dinner I drive her down to South Street. We check out all the great stores and just totally in love with the scene and eachother. Eventually we reach that street corner where I asked her to come back to me a year ago. The sunset can be seen in the background. And on our exact one-year anniversary, I kneel down and propose. At first she thinks I'm joking. I tell her that no, this time there's no joke, I love you and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. She accepts. We spend the night together at my apartment. We make love and it's unbelievable. This is the best day of my life. I'm engaged to be married with the girl of my dreams. Plus congratulations are coming from every angle. Life is good.

Academic Year 2007-2008 I'm still working at the Wilma in my current position. I'm really coming into my own and people are starting to notice it. The word "overqualified" is heard wafting from the water cooler every now and then. I smile often, and why shouldn't I? I'm engaged (which is an all-too-common topic of conversation at the office) to the love of my life, and I'm working a great job and I own my own theater company. The job at the Wilma is giving me enough money to live on and I've furnished my apartment with nice enough stuff. Fay is in her 4th of her 5 years at Wooster, and she's enjoying school more than ever. She also takes comfort that one part of her future has fallen into place e.g. me. Also, Jeff is doing his thing out in the community out west of the city. He's gotten quite a few kids (maybe 15 or so) in his after school acting class. I convince him not to quit his day-job in York, since he can still get to the after-school lessons in time, and I told him not to put all his eggs in one basket. Because we're in an affluent suburb, I think I was justified in charging a modest fee for these acting classes. Since we don't have any costs yet, we're actually seeing money coming into our venture, but I convince Jeff that we need to save this money for future endeavors so this money goes into the beginnings of an endowment to earn us interest. He trusts me about money, which I am thankful for. At the end of the school year he puts on a show with the kids for an audience that included the kids' parents and siblings and members of the local retirement community, say 60 people total. At $10 a ticket that's $600 for that show. Not too bad (umm, kinda) and we barely had any costs so that most of that went into the endowment. We get 10 kids to sign up for the summer program that night. Fay finishes her year with confidence going into her final year, and we set the date to be married as July 2nd, 2009, shortly after she graduates.

Summer, 2008. After only one year, I get promoted! I now report directly to the Director of Production, so I do a lot nitty gritty stuff with venue contracts and actor unions and stuff like that. It's fantastic. My promotion puts me in the same lateral position as my old boss, this is great. Fay moves in with me in my apartment in Northern Liberties. I helped her get a job at a local music store by befriending someone who was in the pit orchestra for us a lot. She's not crazy about selling woodwind instruments, but she also gets to teach lessons there. Plus she does pit orchestra work on the side. We're in absolute bliss living together. That is, of course, when I'm around. I often spend entire weekends at Jeff's place in York to iron out anything he needs help with business-wise with the summer program. It's going fairly well, and we got a nice sum of money from the parents for this. The superintendent again allowed us the use of the school auditorium, this time for a small fee, which is fine, we can't expect him to give everything away. However, Jeff and I are still not taking salaries from this, which worries the board. They think we aren't focused enough, especially the executive from the nearby business. We need him because he's wealthier than anybody else on the board and gives more in donations accordingly, but he's starting to get annoyed. Also, we begin plans for our main-stage productions. I'm worried. This part of the business plan always seemed kind of rocky, but in Jeff I trusted. But anyway, Fay and I are wonderful, and things couldn't be going much better. I do wish I could have spent more time with Fay though.

Academic Year, 2008-2009. This is Fay's last year at Wooster. I'm alone in my apartment, but that's just fine. Our wedding day is fast approacing. With my new responsibilites at the Wilma and with the main-stage stuff starting to happen, I'm starting to be stretched quite thin. I'm always stressed about mine and Jeff's company. I was already working weekends when it was just in the beginning. Now I'm working over the phone with Jeff until the wee hours of the morning and straight through the weekend, often not sleeping Saturday night. It bothers me that I'm not getting any money out of this. It's the dream, yea, but I'm dying, here. The Board of Directors also is starting to think that there should be someone with more experience at the top of the organization (read: they want to fire me) but they can't until we have enough money to pay someone, which we don't. The main-stage shows go over well enough, we make under $1000 per show, for 4 shows over the course of the year. Jeff gets a friend of his to volunteer to teach an acting class for free to take some pressure off of himself. Anyway, at the end of the year I take a short leave and go to Fay's graduation. It's beautiful. Things are almost ready.

Summer, 2009. Fay and I plan the wedding and allow our twittering mothers to help us, mainly because we were dead set on the date which didn't give us much time. To our credit, we sent out invitations early on in the year because we had a park picked out where we wanted to get married, and Fay's Unitarian Universalist minister agreed to perform the ceremony. Haha, my grandmother fumes at this. But she can deal with it, she lived to see her grandson get married. July 2nd rolls around and in attendance are Bryan and Caroline, Ross, Tim, Ryan, Laura and Julie from NU, a few Appel Farmers like Becky and a few twp kids like Jan and Helz for me, and all sorts of people for Fay, plus family galore. The reception is brilliant. Our parents surprise us with tickets for a trip to London. Fay and I are speechless. They know we're pretty much broke. Wow, that's amazing. I get a leave from the Wilma (...and my company) and we go on our honeymoon immediately. We see all the amazing sites and stuff. Anyway, when we get back, Fay goes back to the music store to work for the summer and gets a job teaching band at a local magnet school starting the next academic year and I get back to work. It's decidedly less busy over the summer because Jeff can handle the summer program on his own for the most part. Things begin to settle down and Fay and I are blissfully in love. The subject of children comes up fairly often. I agree that I also want children, but as it stands we can't afford to feed them and I would be too busy to be the father I would want to be, so we agree to wait.

Academic Year, 2009-2010. Back to the frenzy. This is absolutely crazy. I'm still not able to take any sort of salary from my company and I'm not able to spend time with my wife and I'm unable to have children due to the restraints on my time. Plus, I'm starting to think that my job mobility has already screeched to a halt at the Wilma at age 25. They love me there, but they don't feel comfortable putting someone so young and inexperienced any higher than I am right now. Uh oh. I'm beginning to think about applying to Business School. Fay enjoys her job and she tries to console me and she makes me feel wonderful, but I think I need to make some changes. The main-stage stuff at my company actually had worse numbers this year than last year, double uh-oh. Although with the endowment where it is and the grants and donations piling up, we have some money to work with. I also go up to Rutgers to see Liz graduate witha double major in Philosophy and Women's Studies. Only time will tell what kind of job she can get with that degree, haha.

Summer, 2010. I announce my intent to apply to business school. Fay and I came to this decision that if I was ever going to do it, now was the time. The Wilma agreed that I could use the degree, and offered me a significant pay raise upon my return. We'll see if I take them up on it. Again, Jeff can handle most of the summer stuff (remember, he's a teacher, no job over the summer). Fay and I talk about children again. I think we should wait until after I get out of school again. She knows I'm right, and I tell her that things are probably going to clear up soon. By this, I subtlely hint that I might resign from my company, or at least step down.

Academic Year, 2010-2011. Yea, I couldn't be more glad that I was going to Business School. This torturous amount of work was getting old. I told our board of directors to hire someone to do my job, much to Jeff's chagrin. I told him that they needed someone experienced to handle this job, especially while I was away at school. I agreed to stay on as an "advisor" or whatever that means. It's not like I was getting paid to begin with. Fay and I doing great. She sees that this change has gotten me out of the stressed funk I was in. Accept/Reject letters fill my mailbox. HOLY BALLS I GOT INTO WHARTON. (Author's note: I don't think I have any real chance of getting into Wharton, but this is my fantasy, and I'm going to write it how I please, must've been that perfect score I got on the GMAT, haha.) I start in August 2011 and will be studying there until May 2013. I choose to double-major in Finance and Marketing. I'm so excited I can't sit still. However, I suddenly realize this is going to be hard as hell. I also am going to be behind in the math stuff, since I didn't need to do it at undergrad at NU.

Summer, 2011. My last months at Wilma were nice. They held a party for me and seemed generally sad to let me go. I think it's probably odd that someone with my kind of education goes into this line of work, but it's what I love. I spend a lot of time on the phone talking with the guy the board found to replace me in my company. I'm kind of phasing that company out of my life, which Jeff hates. I really wanted it to work, but in the end, there just wasn't enough money in it, even as a non-profit. Plus I was tired of being harassed by the board. Fay and I spend a ton of time together. We are ecstatic that I don't have to move out to live on a campus somewhere since I can commute to UPenn. We're excited about the future. And our two-year anniversary was awesome.

Wharton, August 2011-June 2013. Wow it's hard. These guys are real brainiacs here. But I'm finding my own in Marketing since I have experience there. Finance is harder, since I wasn't doing much of that, but I'm catching on. I was also able to fit in an elective course on Non-Profit Management. I wrote a lovely study on the direction the arts. I think it got published in some journal too. Not too shabby. I will end up graduating with a modest GPA, the math and finance stuff kind of bit me in the butt early on, but I shined in my area of expertise (I had a 3.9 in marketing). Job interview time rolls around eventually. Because of experience and my thesis, I was offered a job as Junior VP of Marketing with the Philidelphia Orchestra. Starting Salary, $80,000. Woah. You know what that means...

Summer, 2013. Fay and I move out of the apartment in Northern Liberties and settle into a cozy 2 bedroom apartment in the northern suburbs of Philadelphia. Fay moved on from her job to substitute-teach music history at a local community college, but guess what, she's pregnant! I love my job with the orchestra. So does my dad (I got him free season tickets, haha, he now loves me more than my sister).

March 2, 2014. It's a girl! Hestia Bryan is born.

February 14, 2016 It's a boy! Darren Bryan is born.

Etc. Life continues on. I eventually become senior VP of Marketing with the orchestra. I couldn't care less about job mobility at that point. Fay is teaching music history at a community college and teaching lessons on the side. Eventually my kids go off to college and I grow old along with the girl of my dreams. The fantasy continues until I find my end, feeling nothing but complete satisfaction with my life.