A poem with more depth than a water fountain

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  • Tokzic
    FFR Player
    • May 2005
    • 6878
    #1

    A poem with more depth than a water fountain

    I've noticed that lately all Lit has been getting are half-assed poems, some of which are simply based on those bloody annoying MSN icons or avatars or whatever you call those 100x100 atrocities. I have decided to break this drought of creativity by posting the rough versions of poems I have to write. Give me any criticism you've got - also, don't bother posting if you think it's about the obvious vehicle theme.

    -

    (Formatting on this one is as close as I can get it without making it an image.

    Gesundheit

    It can start from anything
    or nothing at all
    But once the fuse is ignited,
    It cannot be put out
    by even the most airtight press.

    It's over in an instant,
    And
    yet
    the
    buildup
    slows
    everything
    like
    a dam
    lowered into a dam a stream of time.

    Then,







    unexpectedly,






    even though you had the feeling
    it would happen all along,
    you feel the silence
    remorselessly bludgeoned to

    DEATH

    , then,

    There is the horrible shapeless mess
    that lingers for a lifetime
    or what's left of them.

    EDIT: Sidenote - if you need to ask what the underlying theme is, you're wrong about it, or don't have it exactly. If you do get it, please don't post what it is in the thread, just say, "Yeah, I got the meaning." I need to see if I need to pull it forward, shroud it a little more, or leave it the way it is.

    -

    transfUsion

    today,
    i Stole
    a glancE at my veiNs.
    being roBbed
    by plastic,
    belOngings stored
    in gLass bags.
    never to be seen again.
    Last edited by Tokzic; 11-3-2007, 04:01 PM.

    Last edited by Tokzic: Today at 11:59 PM. Reason: wait what
    Tags: None
    • burningeyes88
      FFR Player
      • Nov 2006
      • 359
      #2
      Re: A poem with more depth than a water fountain

      bless you too and nice poem
      Originally posted by 6 p01nt3d*st@r
      You spelled FFR wrong.

      Originally posted by Shashakiro
      Yeah, FFR is addicting...I don't think I'll get bored with this game unless I somehow become the best at it, which won't happen.
      Originally posted by Synthlight
      I usually just get all naked and tell them they will turn gay if they touch me.

      Cheers,

      Synthlight

        Comment

        • Tokzic
          FFR Player
          • May 2005
          • 6878
          #3
          Re: A poem with more depth than a water fountain

          thnx dud urs wuz rly kewl 2 ^______&;;;

          Last edited by Tokzic: Today at 11:59 PM. Reason: wait what

            Comment

            • ShastaTwist
              FFR Veteran
              • Sep 2004
              • 599
              #4
              Re: A poem with more depth than a water fountain

              Originally posted by Tokzic
              I've noticed that lately all Lit has been getting are half-assed poems, some of which are simply based on those bloody annoying MSN icons or avatars or whatever you call those 100x100 atrocities. I have decided to break this drought of creativity by posting the rough version of one poem I have to write. Give me any criticism you've got - also, don't bother posting if you think it's about the obvious vehicle theme.
              Jerk.


              EDIT::

              This poem is good. It's extremely hard to criticize a free verse poem, though. :[
              Last edited by ShastaTwist; 10-1-2007, 01:01 PM.

                Comment

                • Tokzic
                  FFR Player
                  • May 2005
                  • 6878
                  #5
                  Re: A poem with more depth than a water fountain

                  Originally posted by ShastaTwist
                  Jerk.
                  oh come on i wasn't talking about your poem qt

                  Last edited by Tokzic: Today at 11:59 PM. Reason: wait what

                    Comment

                    • lord_carbo
                      FFR Player
                      • Dec 2004
                      • 6222
                      #6
                      Re: A poem with more depth than a water fountain

                      You can come across it on purpose
                      or by total mistake
                      But once you are there
                      You must continue
                      Especially when being FORCED TO READ AND UNDERSTAND THE ****ING POEM WHAT THE **** DOES IT ****ING **** **** MEAN ****

                      It's over in an instant,
                      And
                      yet
                      the
                      buildup
                      slows
                      everything
                      like
                      a dam
                      lowered into a dam a stream of time.

                      Then,







                      unexpectedly,






                      even though you had the feeling
                      it would happen all along,
                      you feel the silence
                      remorselessly bludgeoned to

                      DEATH

                      , then,

                      There is the horrible shapeless confusion
                      that lingers for a lifetime
                      or WHAT THE **** IS THIS POEM **** **** **** ****** ****
                      last.fm

                        Comment

                        • Izzy-chandess
                          FFR Player
                          • Jan 2007
                          • 136
                          #7
                          Re: A poem with more depth than a water fountain

                          Thank you, Lord Carbo... I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking ZOMG, WTF?
                          sigpic

                          The world has gone crazy and so have I.

                            Comment

                            • Tokzic
                              FFR Player
                              • May 2005
                              • 6878
                              #8
                              Re: A poem with more depth than a water fountain

                              actually carbo figured it out sorry yes you are

                              Last edited by Tokzic: Today at 11:59 PM. Reason: wait what

                                Comment

                                • Tokzic
                                  FFR Player
                                  • May 2005
                                  • 6878
                                  #9
                                  Re: A poem with more depth than a water fountain

                                  Updated with new poem. Uh oh.

                                  Last edited by Tokzic: Today at 11:59 PM. Reason: wait what

                                    Comment

                                    • Tokzic
                                      FFR Player
                                      • May 2005
                                      • 6878
                                      #10
                                      Re: A poem with more depth than a water fountain

                                      Transfusion was not complete. Now it is complete.

                                      One more coming then I'm letting this topic die.

                                      Last edited by Tokzic: Today at 11:59 PM. Reason: wait what

                                        Comment

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