Over again [lyrics/poem]

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  • broken_dreamsXIII
    FFR Player
    • Jul 2006
    • 88

    #1

    Over again [lyrics/poem]

    Something of that sort. I wish I could figure out a beat for this, I would love to sing it myself. But for now, I'm stuck writing lyrics away and away on pieces of scrap paper XD!

    Please, Flaming isn't neccessary. I do like constructive critisim though, It makes me become a better poet =].


    Enjoy reading it.




    I thought you were mine.
    Mine for the taking,
    Mine for the loving,
    Mine for the smothering,
    Mine for the holding.

    But you slipped away,
    Away like a bird you flew,
    Away like a kite that blew,
    Away like a song of blue,
    Away like a lie concealed by truth.

    What have I done?
    Over and over again.
    I speak nothing but you.
    A subject in the making.
    I can feel my heart aching.
    Where have you gone?
    What has run amok?
    After all the chaos and misunderstandings
    I lay here to wait.

    Words spew from the lips of another
    Jealousy brews undercover
    You saved me, as I blundered
    Trembling from the hands and mind
    Your smile saves me from another day

    but you disappeared,
    faded into the nothingness,
    faded into the false
    faded into the imagination
    faded into the shadows
    faded into the blank

    What have I done?
    Over and over again.
    I speak nothing but you.
    A subject in the making.
    I can feel my heart aching.
    Where have you gone?
    What has run amok?
    After all the chaos and misunderstandings
    I lay here to wait.

    A song repeats quietly
    the background blurs and suddenly shifts
    Walls are advancing
    Ceilings are caving in
    Windows are shattering
    Doors are splintering

    Forgive me
    Forgive my foolishness
    Forgive my selfishness
    Forgive my pigheadedness
    Forgive my stubborness
    Forgive my weakness

    Your promises gathered my strength
    Your hopes brought me dreams
    I denied it so.


    Personal Site




    When I put on a smile, it's only hide away how much I truely miss you.
  • ShastaTwist
    FFR Veteran
    • Sep 2004
    • 599

    #2
    Re: Over again [lyrics/poem]

    A few things:

    "Blue" and "blew" do not rhyme.

    "Amok" sounds awkward for your song.

    And "pigheadedness" is a weird word also.

    Comment

    • chidori!
      FFR Player
      • Jun 2007
      • 1603

      #3
      Re: Over again [lyrics/poem]

      Originally posted by ShastaTwist
      A few things:

      "Blue" and "blew" do not rhyme.

      "Amok" sounds awkward for your song.

      And "pigheadedness" is a weird word also.
      blew and blue are the best ryming words ever

      Comment

      • Wintergreen
        gamehussy
        • Dec 2006
        • 64

        #4
        Re: Over again [lyrics/poem]

        Originally posted by ShastaTwist
        A few things:

        "Blue" and "blew" do not rhyme.

        "Amok" sounds awkward for your song.

        And "pigheadedness" is a weird word also.

        1. Blue and blew are homophones, which are an acceptable alternative to rhyme - the same way assonance it.

        2. Amok sounds OK to me.

        3. I agree.

        P.S
        I liked it, but I felt it was a cluttered with unnecessary lines. Think about what's most important and consider trimming out the rest and altering the more awkward sounding lines.

        P.P.S.
        I question the grammatical correctness of the last strophe.
        Life is short. Eat dessert first! - Jacques Torres

        Comment

        • mead1
          Cerebellumberjack
          FFR Simfile Author
          • Aug 2003
          • 3960

          #5
          Re: Over again [lyrics/poem]

          Homophones /= rhyme

          for the same reason I can't rhyme two with two

          Comment

          • broken_dreamsXIII
            FFR Player
            • Jul 2006
            • 88

            #6
            Re: Over again [lyrics/poem]

            Kay, thanks for the suggestions and criticism people ^.^


            Personal Site




            When I put on a smile, it's only hide away how much I truely miss you.

            Comment

            • Wintergreen
              gamehussy
              • Dec 2006
              • 64

              #7
              Re: Over again [lyrics/poem]

              Originally posted by mead1
              Homophones /= rhyme

              for the same reason I can't rhyme two with two

              *cough*(acceptable alternative to rhyme)*cough*

              *rolls eyes at the ignorant*
              Life is short. Eat dessert first! - Jacques Torres

              Comment

              • ShastaTwist
                FFR Veteran
                • Sep 2004
                • 599

                #8
                Re: Over again [lyrics/poem]

                It's a lazy rhyme.

                Comment

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