Hi hi. This isn't the actual work, rather, I'm looking for a storyline critique.
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The novel begins with a nameless young man awakening in bed one morning and finding his friends Grady and Freddy (who are interchangable due to their bizarre life attitudes and hive mindset) waiting for him to show him a discovery they have made - there's a grove hidden behind his neighborhood, sitting in a valley behind a million dollar house that never sold. The narrator becomes enamored of it and finds himself spending many days back there under the shade of the trees in the tall grass reading classic literature. He balances this with getting high with Grady and Freddy. At the same time, his sister, Jewel, has gotten him a job as a floor supervisor at a paper mill under James Fenton, a domineering man.
The narrator frequently passes out and finds himself on top of a parking structure, across from the Capital One building in his city with no rememberance of what he did to end up there. He takes it as part of his depression to sleep walk and doesn't bother questioning it, lest he make the problem real.
One day, while walking in his neighborhood, he is attacked by a dog and chased to the end, where the dog is gunned down by a cop, Ralph O'Brian, who invites the narrator in. They find have much in common, and O' Brian ends up given the narrator a silver ring for luck, citing an incident that involved the narrators father as to why he is unlucky. The narrator leaves after putting the ring on.
After an altercation with his boss, he finds himself paranoid about getting fired, only to find that the mill has been bought out by a man named Terrence Braddock, who is much nicer than Fenton.
One day at the mill, a truck of logs breaks open, killing an employee while the narrator is on shift. He has a break down and requests time off, during which he gets high. On his way out of Grady's house, a police officer stops him. Thinking he has been busted, the narrator bolts through Grady's yard, eventually ending up in the grove. He passes out under a tree and awakes in a strange bed.
He is grabbed by an ogreish man and dragged into a room, completley naked, to a table of unstartled people. They all seem to acknowledge him with familiarity and call him 'Cap.' The narrator, Cap, demands to know what is going on, and the group seems confused. The tall ogre, named Till, realizes that Cap has no idea what is going on and asks Rose, an albino woman, to explain it to him. She takes Cap into the next room and gives him a pair of pants, but before she can explain anything, there's a thud at the door.
Cap throws the door open to find an old man dying in the street, being beating by a large soldier. Cap narrowly defeats the soldier using a truncheon. Rose and Cap drag the man inside, and Cap finds that he is in a place that is much like America, with different attitudes. Everything seems to have gone back in time, despite the insistance by Rose that they are living in the year 2007. Over the next few days, they nurse the man back to health.
Soldiers find the house and they are forced to flee to a house that Cap had purchased some time ago. The old man reveals that he discovered an item in a cave a short distance away, a painting on a wall, that was of great value. Unfortuantley, he is also a wanted criminal, a co-conspirator in a plot to kidnap the Prime Minister. Given the information that the cave painting is earth shattering, Cap sets out with Rose to find it. After a short journey through an overgrown forest, they reach the cave. Cap enters, and Rose stands guard. Cap looks at the walls, and finds some rudimentary drawings.
The drawings show 2 Earths spinning side by side, identical in geography. One is labeled "Triton" and the other "Tech." After much musing, Cap comes to the conclusion that both versions of the Earth, Triton and Tech exist on one plane, and that he has jumped planes, from Tech to Triton. Seeking a way out, he hits his head. He is dragged by Rose back to his house, where he awakens on top of the Capital One parking structure. Bound and determined to find his way back inside Triton, he goes to the grove, and listens to the trees. He pulls a set of grass out of the ground and gnaws on the roots, which sends him back to Triton.
Keeping a pocketfull of the roots, he converses with Rose about what the two paintings could mean. A group of soldiers arrive at the house, demanding to speak with the old man, who has since died. They refuse, and Till manages to pick a pocket of one of the soldiers while they are on the way out. They are carrying orders to apprehend the man and bring him to the Biddy, an oracle that lives under the parlimentary building. Desperatley trying to find out more information about the Biddy, Cap finds the parlimentary building and chews on the grass roots, finding himself standing outside of a farm house. He is nearly shot by a farmer in Tech, and runs away.
The police are activley looking for Cap, for reasons he does not know. He tracks down Braddock and gets permission to stay at his house. When he is alone, the police show up, nearly breaking the door down. Cap narrowly escapes, only to be arrested by O' Brian. O' Brian knocks his partner out and lets Cap go, giving him another bag - this one filled with a simple glass cube. Cap seems confused, but O' Brian speeds off. Cap runs to the farm house, knocks the farmer out, and chews on the grass root.
He finds himself in the parliment building, evading a series of guards as he makes his way to the basement. Inside, he finds a dungeon like area where there is an old woman chained to the wall. Cap asks about her, and finds that she is the Biddy, damned to fortell vague visions of the future for eternity. She says the man who tried to kidnap the Prime Minister was a very bad man, but had made a wonderful discovery. She also reports that the man who travels freely between Triton and Tech will bring about the destruction of both worlds. Paranoid about the chain of events he may have set in motion, Cap is about the flee. He then kills the Biddy with a loose brick on the wall in an act of mercy. Before she can die, she states that Cap is not the man to bring about an end, but rather, he can save both worlds. She tells him of two nights that have tatoos on their hands, when combined, will reveal a tool used by the Old Gods that will help Cap find the real culprit.
He sets out across a series of glaciers, and confronts one of the men who refuses to yield. A fight ensues, and Cap kills the man, cutting his hand off. Before he can return, he nearly freezes to death, forcing him to chew the grass root and return to Tech. He finds out the that police are activley looking for him as Fenton was murdered. They almost apprehend him again, when he finds O' Brian. O' Brian takes him aside and reveals that Cap's father, who died in prison, wasn't Cap's father. O' Brian is, and O' Brian was from Triton. Since Cap has a Tech mother, he would frequently enter Triton in his sleep without knowing, unable to remember anything, but led a productive life. The ring that O' Brian gave him helped him to stay awake long enough in Triton. O' Brian also reveals that the Biddy was his mother, and that she would tell him stories about Cap when O' Brian was a child.
Cap enters Triton again, crossing a vast desert to find the second knight. In lieu, he finds an old man who espouses to no end about a teneable link to both worlds, which would be trees. He states that a tree in Tech contains the soul of an individual in Triton and a tree in Triton contains the sole of a person in Tech. When one person's corresponding tree is cut down, the person dies, but when the person dies, their soul is trapped in the tree until it is destroyed. Ashamed at working in a paper mill, Cap laments a large portion of his life. He asks the old man where the second Knight is, but the old man does not know. However, there is an ancient tree that might, and he gives Cap directions on how to obtain the knowledge. Cap also finds that the old man, blind, is the Biddy's husband, who shortly after hurls himself from a cliff.
Cap enters Tech, and tracks the tree down. Instead of destroying it, he taps the bark, collecting sap in a small bucket. He places a cap over the bucket and enters Triton, removing the lid to hear a voice giving the location of the second knight. Cap also encounters several men clad in black who all hold cubes similar to his own. Each cube is aligned with an element, and a fight quickly ensues. Till is wounded in the fracas, and Cliff, and old miserly man, is killed. Cap tries to use his cube, but to no avail. He flees.
Before he can make it anywhere, he is given a small item by Rose who promptly collapses. Cap picks up the necklace, and finding newfound strength, carries Rose to safety. He tracks the Knight down, keeping the unconcious Rose from harm, until he is confronted by the second Knight. Cap attempts to destroy him using brute strength, but finds that he cannot. In an act of desperation, he pulls his necklace off and throws it to the ground, where it is shattered. Rose springs back to life and hits the Knight across the back of the head with a large stick. Rose explains that part of her, her inner strength, was held in the necklace and that she comes from a short line of people who could espouse their better personal traits into trinkets to help others. She knew that Cap was in danger and wanted him to have her strength, and he thanks her, removing the glove from the Knight.
He takes the severed hand from his bag and holds it up to the Knight's other hand, completing the picture (1/2 of the tatoo was on each of the hands). A small chest grows out of the set, and Cap opens it to find a "Y" shaped stick inside. He frowns, puzzled, but finds that it is a divining rod which can be used to track down the man who is prophesized to bring about summary destruction of Tech and Triton. But rather than pointing at a man, he finds from the Knight, it will lead to the man's spiritual stint, also known as his tree.
Cap enters our world, and after a brief run in with the police, uses the divining rod to track the tree down. He finds it in the million dollar house that never sold at the end of his neighborhood, and is shocked to find that the house was actually built around the tree, which is gnarled and dark. Before he can do anything, Braddock approaches him, and laments his position. He states that while he admires Tech and Triton for advancing without help from each other, that neither deserves to be. He talks about his plans for deforestation, effectivly lowering the number of Tritons who can defend themselves, and then he talks of thinning Techs numbers greatly.
Cap is infuriated, and tries to attack Braddock, but finds him far too strong, and he reveals a large set of arm bands, strength he has stolen from Roses family. Cap reaches into his pocket for something to use and finds the glass cube which would not function in Triton. He holds the cube out and feels his energy flow through it, and a cascade of flame shoots out, engulfing Braddock, who spins out into his own tree. They both begin to burn, but O' Brian runs in, putting Braddock out. Braddock, with his dying breath, states that although they have defeated him, there are others that will take his place.
When asked whether or not to destroy his tree, Cap chooses not to, insistint on keeping Braddock's soul prisoner.
Cap returns to Triton to give to the good news to his friends, when he is taken by the Prime Minister's guards. He meets Wesley, a squat old man with one eye who congradulates him on taking out a huge threat. Cap thanks Wesley and apologizes for killing the Biddy, but states her conditions were inhumane. Wesley agrees, citing safety for his people above the safety of an individual, and allows Cap to leave. Cap finds Rose, and tells her that her family should be fine. They embrace.
A new girl is brought through town, proclaimed to be the next orcale for the parliment. Cap is shocked to find that it is his sister, Jewel, and rushes to her side. She seems to accept her fate, and is dragged into the parliment building. Before Cap can do anything, he glances up and sees a figure in black (like the ones who attacked him using the element cubes) talking to the Prime Minister. Confused, Cap enters Tech to find O' Brian and seek his advice, only to find that he has been put on leave and is travelling. Cap vows to find him, and sets off once again.
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That's the first book, I guess. It's a planned trilogy or whatever.
Anything I should fiddle with, plot wise?
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The novel begins with a nameless young man awakening in bed one morning and finding his friends Grady and Freddy (who are interchangable due to their bizarre life attitudes and hive mindset) waiting for him to show him a discovery they have made - there's a grove hidden behind his neighborhood, sitting in a valley behind a million dollar house that never sold. The narrator becomes enamored of it and finds himself spending many days back there under the shade of the trees in the tall grass reading classic literature. He balances this with getting high with Grady and Freddy. At the same time, his sister, Jewel, has gotten him a job as a floor supervisor at a paper mill under James Fenton, a domineering man.
The narrator frequently passes out and finds himself on top of a parking structure, across from the Capital One building in his city with no rememberance of what he did to end up there. He takes it as part of his depression to sleep walk and doesn't bother questioning it, lest he make the problem real.
One day, while walking in his neighborhood, he is attacked by a dog and chased to the end, where the dog is gunned down by a cop, Ralph O'Brian, who invites the narrator in. They find have much in common, and O' Brian ends up given the narrator a silver ring for luck, citing an incident that involved the narrators father as to why he is unlucky. The narrator leaves after putting the ring on.
After an altercation with his boss, he finds himself paranoid about getting fired, only to find that the mill has been bought out by a man named Terrence Braddock, who is much nicer than Fenton.
One day at the mill, a truck of logs breaks open, killing an employee while the narrator is on shift. He has a break down and requests time off, during which he gets high. On his way out of Grady's house, a police officer stops him. Thinking he has been busted, the narrator bolts through Grady's yard, eventually ending up in the grove. He passes out under a tree and awakes in a strange bed.
He is grabbed by an ogreish man and dragged into a room, completley naked, to a table of unstartled people. They all seem to acknowledge him with familiarity and call him 'Cap.' The narrator, Cap, demands to know what is going on, and the group seems confused. The tall ogre, named Till, realizes that Cap has no idea what is going on and asks Rose, an albino woman, to explain it to him. She takes Cap into the next room and gives him a pair of pants, but before she can explain anything, there's a thud at the door.
Cap throws the door open to find an old man dying in the street, being beating by a large soldier. Cap narrowly defeats the soldier using a truncheon. Rose and Cap drag the man inside, and Cap finds that he is in a place that is much like America, with different attitudes. Everything seems to have gone back in time, despite the insistance by Rose that they are living in the year 2007. Over the next few days, they nurse the man back to health.
Soldiers find the house and they are forced to flee to a house that Cap had purchased some time ago. The old man reveals that he discovered an item in a cave a short distance away, a painting on a wall, that was of great value. Unfortuantley, he is also a wanted criminal, a co-conspirator in a plot to kidnap the Prime Minister. Given the information that the cave painting is earth shattering, Cap sets out with Rose to find it. After a short journey through an overgrown forest, they reach the cave. Cap enters, and Rose stands guard. Cap looks at the walls, and finds some rudimentary drawings.
The drawings show 2 Earths spinning side by side, identical in geography. One is labeled "Triton" and the other "Tech." After much musing, Cap comes to the conclusion that both versions of the Earth, Triton and Tech exist on one plane, and that he has jumped planes, from Tech to Triton. Seeking a way out, he hits his head. He is dragged by Rose back to his house, where he awakens on top of the Capital One parking structure. Bound and determined to find his way back inside Triton, he goes to the grove, and listens to the trees. He pulls a set of grass out of the ground and gnaws on the roots, which sends him back to Triton.
Keeping a pocketfull of the roots, he converses with Rose about what the two paintings could mean. A group of soldiers arrive at the house, demanding to speak with the old man, who has since died. They refuse, and Till manages to pick a pocket of one of the soldiers while they are on the way out. They are carrying orders to apprehend the man and bring him to the Biddy, an oracle that lives under the parlimentary building. Desperatley trying to find out more information about the Biddy, Cap finds the parlimentary building and chews on the grass roots, finding himself standing outside of a farm house. He is nearly shot by a farmer in Tech, and runs away.
The police are activley looking for Cap, for reasons he does not know. He tracks down Braddock and gets permission to stay at his house. When he is alone, the police show up, nearly breaking the door down. Cap narrowly escapes, only to be arrested by O' Brian. O' Brian knocks his partner out and lets Cap go, giving him another bag - this one filled with a simple glass cube. Cap seems confused, but O' Brian speeds off. Cap runs to the farm house, knocks the farmer out, and chews on the grass root.
He finds himself in the parliment building, evading a series of guards as he makes his way to the basement. Inside, he finds a dungeon like area where there is an old woman chained to the wall. Cap asks about her, and finds that she is the Biddy, damned to fortell vague visions of the future for eternity. She says the man who tried to kidnap the Prime Minister was a very bad man, but had made a wonderful discovery. She also reports that the man who travels freely between Triton and Tech will bring about the destruction of both worlds. Paranoid about the chain of events he may have set in motion, Cap is about the flee. He then kills the Biddy with a loose brick on the wall in an act of mercy. Before she can die, she states that Cap is not the man to bring about an end, but rather, he can save both worlds. She tells him of two nights that have tatoos on their hands, when combined, will reveal a tool used by the Old Gods that will help Cap find the real culprit.
He sets out across a series of glaciers, and confronts one of the men who refuses to yield. A fight ensues, and Cap kills the man, cutting his hand off. Before he can return, he nearly freezes to death, forcing him to chew the grass root and return to Tech. He finds out the that police are activley looking for him as Fenton was murdered. They almost apprehend him again, when he finds O' Brian. O' Brian takes him aside and reveals that Cap's father, who died in prison, wasn't Cap's father. O' Brian is, and O' Brian was from Triton. Since Cap has a Tech mother, he would frequently enter Triton in his sleep without knowing, unable to remember anything, but led a productive life. The ring that O' Brian gave him helped him to stay awake long enough in Triton. O' Brian also reveals that the Biddy was his mother, and that she would tell him stories about Cap when O' Brian was a child.
Cap enters Triton again, crossing a vast desert to find the second knight. In lieu, he finds an old man who espouses to no end about a teneable link to both worlds, which would be trees. He states that a tree in Tech contains the soul of an individual in Triton and a tree in Triton contains the sole of a person in Tech. When one person's corresponding tree is cut down, the person dies, but when the person dies, their soul is trapped in the tree until it is destroyed. Ashamed at working in a paper mill, Cap laments a large portion of his life. He asks the old man where the second Knight is, but the old man does not know. However, there is an ancient tree that might, and he gives Cap directions on how to obtain the knowledge. Cap also finds that the old man, blind, is the Biddy's husband, who shortly after hurls himself from a cliff.
Cap enters Tech, and tracks the tree down. Instead of destroying it, he taps the bark, collecting sap in a small bucket. He places a cap over the bucket and enters Triton, removing the lid to hear a voice giving the location of the second knight. Cap also encounters several men clad in black who all hold cubes similar to his own. Each cube is aligned with an element, and a fight quickly ensues. Till is wounded in the fracas, and Cliff, and old miserly man, is killed. Cap tries to use his cube, but to no avail. He flees.
Before he can make it anywhere, he is given a small item by Rose who promptly collapses. Cap picks up the necklace, and finding newfound strength, carries Rose to safety. He tracks the Knight down, keeping the unconcious Rose from harm, until he is confronted by the second Knight. Cap attempts to destroy him using brute strength, but finds that he cannot. In an act of desperation, he pulls his necklace off and throws it to the ground, where it is shattered. Rose springs back to life and hits the Knight across the back of the head with a large stick. Rose explains that part of her, her inner strength, was held in the necklace and that she comes from a short line of people who could espouse their better personal traits into trinkets to help others. She knew that Cap was in danger and wanted him to have her strength, and he thanks her, removing the glove from the Knight.
He takes the severed hand from his bag and holds it up to the Knight's other hand, completing the picture (1/2 of the tatoo was on each of the hands). A small chest grows out of the set, and Cap opens it to find a "Y" shaped stick inside. He frowns, puzzled, but finds that it is a divining rod which can be used to track down the man who is prophesized to bring about summary destruction of Tech and Triton. But rather than pointing at a man, he finds from the Knight, it will lead to the man's spiritual stint, also known as his tree.
Cap enters our world, and after a brief run in with the police, uses the divining rod to track the tree down. He finds it in the million dollar house that never sold at the end of his neighborhood, and is shocked to find that the house was actually built around the tree, which is gnarled and dark. Before he can do anything, Braddock approaches him, and laments his position. He states that while he admires Tech and Triton for advancing without help from each other, that neither deserves to be. He talks about his plans for deforestation, effectivly lowering the number of Tritons who can defend themselves, and then he talks of thinning Techs numbers greatly.
Cap is infuriated, and tries to attack Braddock, but finds him far too strong, and he reveals a large set of arm bands, strength he has stolen from Roses family. Cap reaches into his pocket for something to use and finds the glass cube which would not function in Triton. He holds the cube out and feels his energy flow through it, and a cascade of flame shoots out, engulfing Braddock, who spins out into his own tree. They both begin to burn, but O' Brian runs in, putting Braddock out. Braddock, with his dying breath, states that although they have defeated him, there are others that will take his place.
When asked whether or not to destroy his tree, Cap chooses not to, insistint on keeping Braddock's soul prisoner.
Cap returns to Triton to give to the good news to his friends, when he is taken by the Prime Minister's guards. He meets Wesley, a squat old man with one eye who congradulates him on taking out a huge threat. Cap thanks Wesley and apologizes for killing the Biddy, but states her conditions were inhumane. Wesley agrees, citing safety for his people above the safety of an individual, and allows Cap to leave. Cap finds Rose, and tells her that her family should be fine. They embrace.
A new girl is brought through town, proclaimed to be the next orcale for the parliment. Cap is shocked to find that it is his sister, Jewel, and rushes to her side. She seems to accept her fate, and is dragged into the parliment building. Before Cap can do anything, he glances up and sees a figure in black (like the ones who attacked him using the element cubes) talking to the Prime Minister. Confused, Cap enters Tech to find O' Brian and seek his advice, only to find that he has been put on leave and is travelling. Cap vows to find him, and sets off once again.
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That's the first book, I guess. It's a planned trilogy or whatever.
Anything I should fiddle with, plot wise?
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