Make of This What You Will

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  • Wintergreen
    gamehussy
    • Dec 2006
    • 64

    #1

    Make of This What You Will

    Your eyes aren't the color of clear blue skies,
    they're the color of the earth in the garden plot,
    but I'd rather have something
    I can hold in my hands -
    I can smooth and trace
    with fingertips -
    than something cold and bright
    and far away.

    Your smile will never
    blind cameramen -
    one tooth is chipped,
    and a gap peeks through -
    but who needs teeth
    when you smile with your eyes
    and your whole body smiles too.

    You've never read a fashion mag,
    designer brands are a foreign thing,
    but you aren't made by
    your thrift store jeans -
    faded knees and tattered heels -
    you make the clothes a part of you.

    Your hair is not a cornsilk wave -
    it's honest and clean and straight and true.
    You're more of an oak than a willow tree.
    Your lashes flutter at dust,
    not me.

    I don't know that you
    read poetry, or
    would want something
    written for you,

    but you can always
    use this to wrap
    half a sandwich,

    or patch that
    old hole in

    your shoe.
    Last edited by Wintergreen; 06-7-2007, 06:44 AM. Reason: tidying up a bit
    Life is short. Eat dessert first! - Jacques Torres
  • jewpinthethird
    (The Fat's Sabobah)
    FFR Music Producer
    • Nov 2002
    • 11711

    #2
    Re: Make of This What You Will

    It's a sweet poem, so I won't dissect it. I will say that it ain't a poem that'll win any awards. It's good on some levels, not so great on others.

    I'd definitely change that first line though:
    "Your eyes aren't the color of clear blue skies,"

    The word color is kind of redundant, something like the lines off "Your eyes aren't clear blue like the skies, they are earthy hue of a garden plot" something along those lines. It's important to remember that when writing a poem, a good starting point is eliminating any "unnecessary" words. Cut the language until it is bare-bones.

    Like I said, it's a cute, personal poem so I'll just leave it at that.

    Comment

    • Wintergreen
      gamehussy
      • Dec 2006
      • 64

      #3
      Re: Make of This What You Will

      Why thank you! I'm agonizing over a more serious poem right now, and this was a quick break from that. (I'm at the point where I can see most of my flaws, but not correct them without a great deal of stress and effort). This was something cute I just wrote for fun. I'm delighted over your understanding. n.n

      heheh. I wrote the first line as it is because praising someone's eyes as the color of clear blue skies is such a huge cliche. n.n'
      Life is short. Eat dessert first! - Jacques Torres

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