May 31, 2007
My First Day as a Vampire Hunter
Well, not really my first day. I’ve done the extensive correspondence course and battled many monsters over the internet. I’ve also been ordained as a priest of the spiritual faith, thanks to iwannabeapriest.com, for only five bucks. Nondenominational, too! I’m ready to take on anything.
According to the correspondence course, the first thing you have to know about vampires is that they can smell fear. Dogs can also smell fear, and dogs like to eat steak, which shouldn’t be confused for a stake, which vampires hate. I’m only telling you this so that you can see that dogs and vampires are really similar and both should be equally feared.
The second thing the correspondence course teaches is that vampires can change shape. They can turn from a bat into a small winged mammal with poor eyesight. They can also change from wrinkly old men to sleeping wrinkly old men. They’re vicious tricksters in this respect and should be avoided at all cost when in old man form because they are most formidable, although susceptible to osteoperosis.
Another thing the correspondence course teaches is that maybe you shouldn’t go hunting for vampires in the daytime. You should stick to night time so that they have a harder time seeing you. Also, a good way to attract them during the night is to nick yourself with a razor.
Even better is tricking a vampire. A vampire is not allowed to enter into your house without your permission, so by all means, invite them in. You don’t even have to have a trap prepared. The vampire will be so floored that he’s actually making a friend that he won’t bother attacking you, and they say the best way to get rid of an enemy is to turn them into a friend... And there’s no friend I would rather have than a vampire that could carry me around while he was flying and stuff. I would even drink blood with him to help the bonding process maybe.
Another thing vampires hate is garlic, because it makes them smell really bad and then how are they supposed to get any tail? So if you want a horny vampire after you all the time all you have to do is wear garlic, but there’s really no point to it unless you want to sexually frustrate the beast.
One more thing is also vampires are not considered monsters. Mummies, zombies, vampires and werewolves are considered monsters, but not communists.
One big rule that a lot of people forget is that you’re not supposed to go into a vampires house unless they invite you in. So you have to stand there knocking until you wake them up and then you can go in and kill them. I think it might be better to ding-dong-ditch in that situation, but the correspondence course says you should man up.
See, that’s the first rule about being a vampire hunter. You have to man up. You have to step up to bat. You have to grow a pair, get a backbone, throw a nut, eat a banana. Be a man. You can’t be a wuss or a woman if you want to go vampire hunting. The only way you can be a woman and a vampire hunter is if you have a wreath of garlic, otherwise you’ll be attracted to the vampire.
Some people say you can kill a vampire by decapitation, but then you’ll get blood everywhere. The only reason people started using stakes was because it plugged up the hole and you wouldn’t have to deal with any mess.
It’s good to practice with a crossbow on potted plants, birds, and other vampire hunters, according to the course.
Tonight, I’m going for my first hunt. I know where the vampire is, and if you’re reading this, it means you’ve subscribed to my blog at double u double u double u dot fight-the-good-fight-against-vampires dot xanga slash huntsman.
I know where he is, and using the lessons I learned from the correspondence course, I should make quick work of the beast.
Yours truly,
The Hunter
June 1, 2007
My First Day As A Vampire
Literally my first day...
My First Day as a Vampire Hunter
Well, not really my first day. I’ve done the extensive correspondence course and battled many monsters over the internet. I’ve also been ordained as a priest of the spiritual faith, thanks to iwannabeapriest.com, for only five bucks. Nondenominational, too! I’m ready to take on anything.
According to the correspondence course, the first thing you have to know about vampires is that they can smell fear. Dogs can also smell fear, and dogs like to eat steak, which shouldn’t be confused for a stake, which vampires hate. I’m only telling you this so that you can see that dogs and vampires are really similar and both should be equally feared.
The second thing the correspondence course teaches is that vampires can change shape. They can turn from a bat into a small winged mammal with poor eyesight. They can also change from wrinkly old men to sleeping wrinkly old men. They’re vicious tricksters in this respect and should be avoided at all cost when in old man form because they are most formidable, although susceptible to osteoperosis.
Another thing the correspondence course teaches is that maybe you shouldn’t go hunting for vampires in the daytime. You should stick to night time so that they have a harder time seeing you. Also, a good way to attract them during the night is to nick yourself with a razor.
Even better is tricking a vampire. A vampire is not allowed to enter into your house without your permission, so by all means, invite them in. You don’t even have to have a trap prepared. The vampire will be so floored that he’s actually making a friend that he won’t bother attacking you, and they say the best way to get rid of an enemy is to turn them into a friend... And there’s no friend I would rather have than a vampire that could carry me around while he was flying and stuff. I would even drink blood with him to help the bonding process maybe.
Another thing vampires hate is garlic, because it makes them smell really bad and then how are they supposed to get any tail? So if you want a horny vampire after you all the time all you have to do is wear garlic, but there’s really no point to it unless you want to sexually frustrate the beast.
One more thing is also vampires are not considered monsters. Mummies, zombies, vampires and werewolves are considered monsters, but not communists.
One big rule that a lot of people forget is that you’re not supposed to go into a vampires house unless they invite you in. So you have to stand there knocking until you wake them up and then you can go in and kill them. I think it might be better to ding-dong-ditch in that situation, but the correspondence course says you should man up.
See, that’s the first rule about being a vampire hunter. You have to man up. You have to step up to bat. You have to grow a pair, get a backbone, throw a nut, eat a banana. Be a man. You can’t be a wuss or a woman if you want to go vampire hunting. The only way you can be a woman and a vampire hunter is if you have a wreath of garlic, otherwise you’ll be attracted to the vampire.
Some people say you can kill a vampire by decapitation, but then you’ll get blood everywhere. The only reason people started using stakes was because it plugged up the hole and you wouldn’t have to deal with any mess.
It’s good to practice with a crossbow on potted plants, birds, and other vampire hunters, according to the course.
Tonight, I’m going for my first hunt. I know where the vampire is, and if you’re reading this, it means you’ve subscribed to my blog at double u double u double u dot fight-the-good-fight-against-vampires dot xanga slash huntsman.
I know where he is, and using the lessons I learned from the correspondence course, I should make quick work of the beast.
Yours truly,
The Hunter
June 1, 2007
My First Day As A Vampire
Literally my first day...
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