erm, poem.

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  • midnghtraver
    Icarus Moth
    FFR Music Producer
    • Jan 2006
    • 2064
    #1

    erm, poem.

    my soul mourns for a lost love
    a love that is not there
    it seeks and seeks
    but still, cant break the barrier
    that holds it back.

    if I were to let it free
    into a habitat of its own
    it wouldn't be shut in a closet
    it would be free to the worlds galore
    but what does this have to do with anything?

    I'm just one searching for a lost love.
    Tags: None
    • All_That_Chaz
      Supreme Dictator For Life
      • Apr 2004
      • 5874
      #2
      Re: erm, poem.

      some form or rhyme would help tie your idea together. sonnets work amazingly well for this kind of idea.
      Back to "Back to Earth"
      Originally posted by FoJaR
      dammit chaz
      Originally posted by FoJaR
      god dammit chaz
      Originally posted by MalReynolds
      I bet when you live in a glass house, the temptation to throw stones is magnified strictly because you're not supposed to.

        Comment

        • GuidoHunter
          is against custom titles
          • Oct 2003
          • 7371
          #3
          Re: erm, poem.

          Both stanzas (much moreso the first) read better as quatrains.

          I also hope you weren't trying to rhyme "there" with "barrier". I don't think you were, but either way, trying to do so is a bad, bad idea.

          I think the final line of the second stanza sums up the entire poem:

          but what does this have to do with anything?
          The poem suffers from a lot of abstraction, and your choice of words is awfully strange. "Habitat"? "Closet"? "Galore"?

          --Guido

          http://andy.mikee385.com

          Originally posted by Grandiagod
          Originally posted by Grandiagod
          She has an asshole, in other pics you can see a diaper taped to her dead twin's back.
          Sentences I thought I never would have to type.

            Comment

            • All_That_Chaz
              Supreme Dictator For Life
              • Apr 2004
              • 5874
              #4
              Re: erm, poem.

              how come Guido never reads my poems and tears them apart??? :*(
              Back to "Back to Earth"
              Originally posted by FoJaR
              dammit chaz
              Originally posted by FoJaR
              god dammit chaz
              Originally posted by MalReynolds
              I bet when you live in a glass house, the temptation to throw stones is magnified strictly because you're not supposed to.

                Comment

                • midnghtraver
                  Icarus Moth
                  FFR Music Producer
                  • Jan 2006
                  • 2064
                  #5
                  Re: erm, poem.

                  thanks, I agree there should be more rhyme and no I was not trying to rhyme there and barrier.

                  --mid.

                    Comment

                    • Wintergreen
                      gamehussy
                      • Dec 2006
                      • 64
                      #6
                      Re: erm, poem.

                      I read this as being about homosexuality.
                      Life is short. Eat dessert first! - Jacques Torres

                        Comment

                        • midnghtraver
                          Icarus Moth
                          FFR Music Producer
                          • Jan 2006
                          • 2064
                          #7
                          Re: erm, poem.

                          Originally posted by Wintergreen
                          I read this as being about homosexuality.
                          funny.

























                          not.

                            Comment

                            • beaner692
                              FFR Player
                              • Oct 2006
                              • 1071
                              #8
                              Re: erm, poem.

                              I dont get it


                              wewt10k aim: IMB3AU


                              http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...&q=vertex+beta
                              I play Vertex BETA :O

                                Comment

                                • Wintergreen
                                  gamehussy
                                  • Dec 2006
                                  • 64
                                  #9
                                  Re: erm, poem.

                                  Originally posted by midnghtraver
                                  funny.

























                                  not.
                                  Well what do you expect me to think when your poem says your soul is 'shut in a closet'?
                                  Life is short. Eat dessert first! - Jacques Torres

                                    Comment

                                    • sujishishou
                                      FFR Player
                                      • Oct 2005
                                      • 183
                                      #10
                                      Re: erm, poem.

                                      I liked this poem.
                                      I dont know what it was about the words, but I read it aloud and there is a songlike quality to your words. Even though the word choice is a bit strange. The words seemed as if they rhymed when they did not. I thought that was pretty cool. I am not going to say much about the poem's content though.

                                        Comment

                                        • midnghtraver
                                          Icarus Moth
                                          FFR Music Producer
                                          • Jan 2006
                                          • 2064
                                          #11
                                          Re: erm, poem.

                                          Originally posted by Wintergreen
                                          Well what do you expect me to think when your poem says your soul is 'shut in a closet'?
                                          I said it was NOT shut in a closet!

                                            Comment

                                            • Wintergreen
                                              gamehussy
                                              • Dec 2006
                                              • 64
                                              #12
                                              Re: erm, poem.

                                              if I were to let it free
                                              into a habitat of its own
                                              it wouldn't be shut in a closet
                                              You wrote if you were to let it free, implying that it isn't. It's in the closet.
                                              Life is short. Eat dessert first! - Jacques Torres

                                                Comment

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