My poem

Re: My poem

I liked this, but I think some of the rhymes seemed a bit forced.

Re: My poem

Six consecutive lines of the same rhyme is really off-putting.

Also, work on your rhythm; I had to pause a couple of times mid-line and readjust how I was reading.

Lastly, the word "just" as you use it is almost never appropriate for poetry. When it's used, it's usually just to occupy a syllable, but in your case, it goes overboard by adding one more than is necessary! It's a sloppy word, so take it out.

I do appreciate the words you chose overall, though. Not bad.

--Guido

Re: My poem

Right from the start, your meter is off. You have three stressed syllables smack dab in the middle of the first line (set free, But), which make it very awkward to say. Try reading your poem out loud, without forcing the meter - as if it's the first time you've ever seen it - or have someone whose's never read it before read it to you. Listen to the natural stresses, and work to make it flow better.

Your punctuation is very inconsistent. Either punctuate or don't, but have a legitimate reasoning behind your punctuation and stick with it.

Your syntax is questionable.

The natural way of saying the last line (It seems this life is not for me.) is iambic, and flows much better. The way you wrote it though (This life, it seems as though its not for me.) doesn't flow as well, requires the reader to reverse the line in his/her head, and contains many superfluous words. In fact, much of your poem is littered with filler words which lower it's overall quality.

Your rhymes are very juvenile, especially for a 19-year-old.
see/me
clear/tear/fear/hear
They're all very obvious and shallow.

This poem is way too ambiguous and riddled with abstractions.

'Soul' and 'heart' are abstractions. No one really knows what they are unless you connect them to something concrete. How can something intangible be full of debris? What debris? What are life's questions? How does knowing 'what others see' answer them? What do others see?

People cry, hearts don't; abstractions require skillful personification, and this doesn't qualify. You have to build on the personification and connect it to concrete images, actions, and examples, not just drop it and go. What exactly is your brain 'jeering' at? What conflicted resolutions? What is your mind racked with? How does ones soul freeze, and what is it afraid of?

Whose voice? What memories? How do they 'burn and seer' *you spelled sear wrong*, and what do they burn and sear? What new emotion are you feeling? Why mustn't you let it go? Know implies it's your mind doing the knowing, which means your mind is in conjuction with your heart, which contradicts what you wrote earlier.

It's all very vague. The purpose of poetry is to share the experience with the reader, make them see what you see, know what you know, feel what you feel. Be more specific. Be more concrete.

I take it this poem was from Spike's point of view (much <3 for Cowboy Bebop), but I doubt anyone who hasn't seen the anime would find this any more than drivel. Then again, *winces at the memory* I remember a truly horrid poem I wrote long ago after watching the series, which is probably why I took the time to C&C. Keep writing.

See ya.

Re: My poem

I do not entirely agree, Wintergreen, I feel that some poems have the right to be ambiguous. You are asking the poet to answer a bunch of questions, if he were to build upon your suggestions, I would expect nothing less than a short story.

Re: My poem

I didn't mean that ambiguity is a bad thing, just that too much ambiguity is. What I was trying to get across with the questions is that if one didn't know anything about Cowboy Bebop, they would have nowhere to stand in this poem, and nothing more than a very vague idea of what it was about. I don't think that he should build upon the questions, rather rethink what he was trying to convey through this poem and consider if he effectively did so, and if not, how he can remake it so that it does.

Re: My poem

I thought it was pretty clear that he was talking about cholesterol.

Duh.

--Guido

Re: My poem

agreed, but still nice.

Re: My poem

well thanks for the support guys...poems really arent my thing, short stories are usually what i write, but im trying to adapt my writing style.

As for what the poem is about, its not really about bebop, as much as a love that went bad and me being incapable of realizing it because of trying to see it through everyone's percpective other than my own. And I was trying to write with ambiguity...that way I thought more people can relate, but I think it is a bit too ambiguious. But there are Bebop refrences...because I could could tell you about 10 ways my life can be related to Spikes...but thats another story for another time. I'll try revising this a bit...and posting it in the thread when I get a chance a little bit later.

Re: My poem

Beautiful

Re: My poem

I felt as if the speaker was Spike Speigel!