A poem by me.

Re: A poem by me.

Ooh, I like. Finally, a good and fun poem to read in here. =)

The only weakness I see is the third stanza. Both "natural" and "unrealized" throw off the iambic meter. The former could be fixed with something along the lines of "nat'ral", but that just doesn't look right for all it accomplishes. Don't really know what to do there.

Also, to what does "this artifice" refer/how is the word being used?

--Guido

Re: A poem by me.

u got skillz bro

Re: A poem by me.

Guido makes good points. A revision is in the works and the third stanza is definitely going to be reworked not just for meter issues, but for it doesn't flow with the character as well as the other stanzas. As far as those meter issues, I'm cheating a little with "Nat-ral" and "un-Ree-lized" but it sounds natural when I read it.

The word artifice has come up with other readers too. I use this definition (from dictionary.com): a deceptive maneuver (especially to avoid capture). The player's hiding behind others embarrasses the violin. That may be altered as well in revision.

Thanks for your comments and praise, and most of all thank you for reading!

Re: A poem by me.

sweet poem
good use of technique
inspires me to write more poetry and write songs more poetically

Re: A poem by me.

Update on this poem. I just completed my fourth and final draft of this poem. I really like it. Thanks for reading!



Lament


My life has stood for servitude –
A humble violin.
I choose my fate as much as clothes
Befall the mannequin.

I cannot choose my partner’s strengths –
His music’s but a game.
Ambitionless, he doesn’t care;
I sit in muted shame.

He doesn’t practice basic skills –
He has no pride, it seems.
But why? His lack of discipline
Annihilates my dreams.

My heartstrings yearn for so much more –
The life of a soloist.
Instead I’m belching simple tunes;
I wasn’t made for this.

I cannot choose my partner’s strengths –
I’m just expression’s tool.
I moan and wonder what could be;
This paltry, artless fool.

Re: A poem by me.

Very Nice. Good fix for the third stanza. I gotta do some poetry for english final...coffee house style, with music and everything. lol

Re: A poem by me.

*feeds the poet*

Hmmm... I like the edit better than the original, but both leave me rather unsatisfied as a reader. The first stanza is elegant, beautiful, and complex in it's simplicity. To me, it captured the impotence of mortals subject to the greater whims of society, god, nature, and life in general. In contrast, the rest of the poem was disappointing to me. While descriptive, the other stanzas lacked the poignancy of the first. They alternate between lamenting the partner's shortcomings and the author's helplessness, repeating the same thing in different variations. Graceful suffering became whining. The ending left me irritated with the lack of resolution, progress, or new insight.

The words annihilate and belch seemed wrong. I felt the voice of the poem was refined and cultured. Annihilate is a very harsh and absolute term, and belch is rather crude; they seemed off character to me.

I had to read this stanza several times before I stopped tripping from the first line to the the second. I don't naturally read the second line as iambic, but I'm not the best when it comes to scansion, so maybe it's just me. n.n'

*out of food*

Re: A poem by me.

Thanks guys for your praise and comments.

Wintergreen you certainly know what you're talking about. The first stanza is definitely the best and the verb "befall" is just awesome there. The other stanzas tend to pale in comparison. The ending isn't supposed to resolve anything but more just summarize the violin's frustration and helplessness as "just expression's tool." The helplessness and embarrassment are also supposed to come off as somewhat comical, as the violin is anything but "humble" and more just uptight and just plain mean to the kid or whoever it is playing the violin.

The two words you pointed out: annihilate and belch, deserve comment. In the earlier draft, there was no action verb where annihilate is now. In readings, the line didn't have the impact I wanted it to, so I used annihilate. It fits the scheme really well. There might be a better way to construct the line, but I think the violin's coming down from the pedestal a little bit highlights the frustration. It's for the same reason I use belch. It's absurd to the violin that it's making these horrid sounds, so it uses a verb that is equally repulsive to it.

The stanza you quoted was the last one to be added in. It contains the only metric substitution in the entire poem, the anapest "of a so." The substitution highlights the line in its separates it from the others, perhaps to show how it's the only time the violin gives an example of what it wishes it was. However, the costs probably outweigh the benefits. Either way, when I read it, it sounds ok.

yummy, thank you!

Re: A poem by me.

*shakes out the last crumbs*

The comicalness wasn't obvious to me. Maybe I'm just thickheaded. n.n' (or too serious :P)

Re: A poem by me.

Holy snap and a half... I feel really stupid reading your comments about this poem. I read it and about drooled. It has been a very long time since Ive read something truly good. I mean there have been plenty of decent poems that I now classify as "good" because the meaningful and appetite sating poems are so far and few between that I just consider them gems . Thank you so much for gracing me with your writing (no I'm not trying to suck up, it's just happening) and thank you all for pointing out minute flaws that there is no way I could ever have picked up on. How ever rather than detracting from the poem I felt the criticism allowed me to understand the poem better and for that you made what I consider a great poem even better. *bows to the masters *


Kudos, and Fare thee well
Mental