THE CAST:
Angus Jones - Co-Owner of Woodman's Funeral Home, which in it's second day of business.
Todd Jones - Co-Owner of Woodman's Funeral Home, the more irresponsible of the two brothers.
Ilsa Gabor - Makeup artist. Eccentric.
Brian Sanderson - Father of the deceased.
Erica Sanderson - Mother of the deceased.
Sarah Sanderson - Daughter of the deacsed (Very attractive)
Tim Sanderson - Son of Brian and Erica - Constantly fiddling with a gameboy.
The Workers - Four workers who move bodies.
(ANGUS is standing SL in front of a coffin. There are a few benches SL, and a wreath on an easel. ANGUS is fervently waving at the exiting guests, who are offstage L)
ANGUS: (Waving) I’m sorry for your loss… Thank you for doing business with Woodman’s Funeral Home. Have a nice day! (Turns to the coffin) Have a nice day… That’s great. Really super damn-fantastic.
(TODD enters SR, with apple)
TODD: Did you tell them to have a nice day?
(ANGUS nods)
TODD: Their father died and you told them to have a nice day.
(ANGUS nods)
TODD: How old was the youngest?
ANGUS: Five.
TODD: He’s probably not going to have a nice day.
ANGUS: I get it, Todd!
TODD: Did you at least thank them for doing business with us?
ANGUS: Of course.
TODD: And you wished them a good day.
ANGUS: Of cour – Ah.
TODD: (Takes a bite out of an apple) And you’re supposed to be the business savvy brother.
ANGUS: Business and personality aren’t exclusive. They see other people. Besides, where were you? We’re supposed to stand united. Woodman’s Funeral Home.
TODD: Right, Woodman’s Funeral Home. Woodman’s. Woodman’s. What’s wrong with that name, Angus?
ANGUS: Nothing.
TODD: Our last name isn’t Woodman. I don’t think that name ran anywhere in our family line.
ANGUS: But “Woodman’s” sounds so official.
TODD: More official than, say… “The Jones’ Brother’s Body Viewing Shack.”
ANGUS: If we had gone with that we wouldn’t have made it past our first day, much less to our second… You never really had any sense of title.
TODD: At least I didn’t tell mourning children to ‘have a nice day.’ (Bites the apple)
ANGUS: At least I was out here with the body. (Looks at the coffin) Which reminds me. (Yells offstage R) Hey, guys, move it out!
(Four workers come on stage wearing uniforms that read “Woody”)
TODD: You like the uniforms?
ANGUS: What do they say – (Reads one as the workers move to the coffin) Good God, no. We’re not “Woody’s.” Christ, that’s so phallic…
TODD: It’s a double entendre. I learned about that at the community college.
ANGUS: It’s not funny.
TODD: Death is an aphrodisiac.
(ANGUS sighs as the workers lift the coffin)
ANGUS: As soon as you get that loaded into the hearse I want you out of those uniforms!
(The workers mumble as they move the coffin offstage)
ANGUS: When’s the next appointment?
TODD: You have the schedule.
ANGUS: No, I told you I was setting it down on the easel and I needed you to go over it, that it looked like we were double booked, and –
TODD: There’s nothing on the easel.
(ANGUS stops, freezes and realizes where the schedule is. He WHISTLES and the workers come back on stage with the coffin. ANGUS reaches in, moves the body, and pulls out a clip board)
ANGUS: One of the kids bumped into the easel while he was on his tippy toes.
TODD: Natch.
(ANGUS is looking over the list.)
ANGUS: Todd.
TODD: Sup?
ANGUS: You scheduled these two ten minutes apart.
TODD: … And?
ANGUS: We have no other bookings today and you put these two RIGHT on top of each other?
TODD: I wanted to simulate some kind of ‘lunch-rush.’
ANGUS: You don’t have LUNCH RUSHES at funeral parlors, Todd!
TODD: Don’t sweat it. Ilsa knew about it. She should be finishing up with the body.
(ANGUS looks over at TODD, who is wearing jeans and a ratty t-shirt)
ANGUS: And are you going to be attending?
TODD: I guess.
ANGUS: And are you going to be changing clothes?
TODD: Why?
ANGUS: (Sighing) Just change into your suit.
TODD: Alright… Mom.
ANGUS: I swear to Jesus – Tell Ilsa to tell me when the bodies ready. We have six minutes, let’s move it!
TODD: Aye aye, captain.
(TODD exits SL. ILSA is entering at the same time)
TODD: Ilsa, Angus wants to know when the body is going to be ready.
(TODD exits. ILSA runs up to ANGUS, who is straightening his tie.)
ILSA: Hello, dear, hello, baby doll hello sweet face of mine, hello, hello, hello world!
ANGUS: Hello, Ilsa. Is the body ready?
ILSA: She had such a plain face. She looks so pretty now!
ANGUS: So the body as ready?
ILSA: Dare I come out here with my work unfinished? Does an artist leave their painting before it’s done? Did you know Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel in one day because he couldn’t bare to part with it?
ANGUS: I’m almost positive that’s not true.
ILSA: They did a special on it on Mythbusters.
ANGUS: Once again, I think you’re lying.
ILSA: Oh, how dare you! How dare you accuse me of such a thing! I am squandering my talents on this place, I tell you Angus, I tell you, I squander my talents! I could be in the Sistine Chapel, painting an even better ceiling thingy but instead I’m here, putting powder on people who are turning into powder. That was poetic. Angus, tell me I’m poetic.
ANGUS: As a Shakespearean tragedy.
ILSA: Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s Day?
ANGUS: No. No, no, not now. Not even later. I need the body in here as soon as possible. The Sansfords are going to be here any second and they expect to see their dearly departed lovely made up daughter on that table, so stop talking to me and –
ILSA: Did you know death is an aphrodisiac?
ANGUS: … So I’m told.
ILSA: Well, good. So long as you know.
ANGUS: Just –
ILSA: Did you know that when you hired me?
ANGUS: Ilsa, when I hired you, I had no idea what I was getting in to.
ILSA: Oh, you have such a way with words, you lovely man, you kinky boots, you sexy beast.
ANGUS: I’m going to have to ask you not to be here when the family arrives.
ILSA: An artist is never present for the unveiling.
ANGUS: (Yells SL to the workers) Could we get the next one out here, guys?
(A few seconds later they emerge with a new coffin. They’re no longer wearing their uniforms, instead, white wife beaters tucked into jeans)
ANGUS: You four look like a bad gang.
WORKER 1: Kiss my grits.
WORKER 2: Yeah, kiss his grits!
WORKER 3: You told us no uniforms.
WORKER 4: (Struggles to find something to say) Yeah, kiss his grits!
(The workers set the coffin down and peek inside. One of them laughs. The other three look inside and begin laughing uncontrollably. ANGUS turns and looks at them)
ANGUS: Good. Laugh at a dead body. Feel proud.
WORKER 1: God, Angus, kiss it.
WORKER 2: Yeah, kiss it!
WORKER 3: Are there any other appointments?
ANGUS: No.
WORKER 4: You still have to pay us for a full day.
ANGUS: Says who?
WORKERS: (ALL) Union!
ANGUS: Just – God, get out of here! Go, go! I’ll pay you for the day, I just can’t have The Greasers here when the next family arrives.
(The Workers exit)
ANGUS: Ilsa, will you please get out of here?
ILSA: As you wish, oh captain my captain.
(ILSA exits SR)
ANGUS: Alright. (Moves over to the easel and puts up a portrait of the young woman in the coffin.) Well… What were they laughing at. (Peeks inside the coffin) Oh God. Oh, God. (Looks back and forth between the portrait and the woman in the coffin) Oh, GOD! ILSA, GET OUT HERE!
(ILSA rushes onstage)
ILSA: Yes, my love?
ANGUS: What did you to her face!?
ILSA: I made her BEAUTIFUL!
ANGUS: ILSA!
ILSA: Angus?
ANGUS: Ilsa.
ILSA: Angus, are you not pleased?
ANGUS: She looks like a goddamned clown, Ilsa!
ILSA: She looks vibrant!
ANGUS: Oh, Ilsa, vibrant is selling it short. I looks like she’s about to jump out of the coffin and juggle. Do we have balloons so she can make animals for the birthday party? Ilsa, you have to fix this.
ILSA: There is nothing to fix, love.
ANGUS: Ilsa. Ilsa, Ilsa, please bear with me. Please. The Sanderson’s cannot, I stress cannot here because I do not want you to confuse “cannot” with “can” or “can-can” –
(ILSA begins to dance the can-can)
ANGUS: The Sanderson’s CANNOT see their daughter like this. This, this –
ILSA: Out with it, love, sweet boy –
ANGUS: This is a travesty! This is a mockery of death!
ILSA: I beg your pardon?
ANGUS: It’s called a ‘viewing,’ Ilsa. Not a ‘look away because the makeup artist at the parlor has no sense of color, styling, or even what a decent clown should look like.’ You need to fix this.
ILSA: I will not.
ANGUS: Ilsa, you HAVE to fix this. We have three minutes before the family is scheduled to arrive, and –
(The Sanderson’s enter from SL. The father, BRIAN, approaches Angus and taps him on the shoulder. Angus turns, and promptly falls down. Ilsa exits)
BRIAN: Hello, we’re here for –
ANGUS: (On the floor)The viewing. (Gets up) It’ll be just one second.
BRIAN: Okay. I know we’re early.
(ANGUS nods and TODD walks out, struggling with his tie)
TODD: Could you help me with this, Angus?
(TODD looks up and sees the family. He gives them a once over and does a double take when he sees SARAH, young, beautiful sister of the deceased.)
TODD: Angus, could I have a word over here?
(ANGUS walks over to TODD, out of earshot of the family)
TODD: She’s gorgeous.
ANGUS: No, she looks like a clown.
TODD: You’re very shallow, you know.
ANGUS: I don’t see how you don’t see it, Todd, it’s very clear that Ilsa has made a huge mistake. Or maybe I made the mistake in hiring Ilsa.
TODD: What does Ilsa have to do with her makeup? (Points to SARAH)
ANGUS: Oh. Sorry, we’ve got a bit of a crisis. Once we solve that, I’ll be sure to ogle the family of the deceased with you. (Pulls his tie tight, causing TODD to gag. The family looks over)
ANGUS: Just one second, folks, I have to speak with my brother. I’m sorry for your loss – and the delay.
(Pushes TODD back even further)
ANGUS: The dead girl –
TODD: Yes? (Loosens his tie)
ANGUS: The one in the box –
TODD: Uh-huh?
ANGUS: Ilsa made her up, right?
TODD: Right, that’s what you hired her for, isn’t it?
ANGUS: Todd, shut up. Let me finish. Ilsa made her up, but she looks… Like a clown.
TODD: Sweet! Lemme see!
(ANGUS has told hold TODD back)
ANGUS: No! You can’t look in the coffin, because then they’ll want to look in the coffin, and then it just goes all to hell. We can’t let a grieving family see their daughter like that.
TODD: But I wanna see…
ANGUS: What would you rather do, see the body… Or distract the family so they can’t see inside the coffin until I can get the makeup off of her?
TODD: I would rather see the body, Angus.
ANGUS: But if you distract the family… You know who is a member of that family, don’t you?
TODD: The dead chick that I want to see.
ANGUS: The… ‘hot daughter.’ You could charm her all you wanted if you just stopped ALL of them from looking in the coffin.
TODD: I like it… But why don’t you just wheel the coffin out of here?
ANGUS: Don’t you think that’d look a bit suspicious?
TODD: Well, yeah. Why don’t you just be honest with them, tell them the makeup artist mucked it?
ANGUS: Because I hired her. It doesn’t matter, it would reflect poorly on all of us, on this place. Do you think Dad would have wanted that?
TODD: Don’t talk about Dad like he’s dead, Angus. I talked to Dad yesterday. He’s still fuming about you buying this place.
ANGUS: Just… God, will you just for once listen to me? Can you get over there and make sure they stay away from the coffin? I have to get Ilsa back out here.
(ANGUS runs offstage. TODD moves over to the family, who seem to be talking amongst themselves.)
TODD: Hi, my name is Todd and I’m the co-owner of this place.
SARAH: The parlor is beautiful.
TODD: Thank you, I made it myself.
BRIAN: Excuse me?
TODD: Yes, I built all four of these walls. I did the stained glass last year during a summer course.
ERICA: Really? It looks so professional.
TODD: I try my hardest to be professional at (looks at Sarah) everything I do.
BRIAN: That’s a good philosophy, I suppose.
TODD: You suppose? I stake my life on it every day. I work myself to death sometimes.
(An ‘Oh, ****’ look crosses TODD’S face as he realizes just what exactly he said)
TODD: I – uh – That was uncalled for.
(TIM punches TODD in the stomach. He doubles over)
TODD: Strong kid you got there, Mr. Sanderson.
BRIAN: What’s the holdup?
TODD: There is no hold up. It’s our policy at Woodman’s that we are very personal and personable with each of our clients. It helps for repeat business. Oh, God, not that we even want repeat business, not from you all – not, we don’t want repeat business from anyone – What I mean is, how are you?
ERICA: Growing tired.
TODD: (And to Sarah) And what about you? How are you? How are you feeling? Would you like a coffee, or a toffee, or a drink or something?
SARAH: … No. I’m feeling fine. Well, as fine as I can with… a dead… (starts tearing up)
TODD: There, there, don’t cry. Don’t worry, everything is going to be all right. (To Erica) It’s clear who got the looks in the family, you know, between the two daughters.
(From offstage, cries are heard)
ANGUS: (Offstage) Ilsa, just get out here!
ILSA: (Offstage) They have a saying where I’m from, Angus, do you know what it is?
ANGUS: (Offstage) WHAT?!
ILSA: (Offstage) If an artiste goes unappreciated –
ANGUS: (Offstage) You’re NOT an artiste! You offend the word, you offend the occupation, and worst of all, you offend the senses. You SLAUGHTER the senses.
(A ‘SLAP’ is heard and ANGUS walks back onstage holding his cheek. He walks over to TODD and looks at him)
ANGUS: I have to run to the corner store… I’ll be right back. Todd, how is the family doing?
TODD: They’re very fine.
(ANGUS runs off SL)
TODD: He’s always running around. Our Dad calls him the marathon man.
SARAH: Does he really?
TODD: No.
TIM: This is boring, can I play my gameboy?
TODD: And they say kids are getting desensitized.
ERICA: He’s got… ADD, you know?
TODD: Oh, the manufactured disease to sell cocaine in pill form and to keep kids as autonomous as possible?
ERICA: Excuse me?
TODD: (Beginning to get nervous as the family grows anxious) God, is it getting hot in here or is it me?
SARAH: It is warm. (Removes her sweater revealing a black dress)
TODD: (Under his breath) Praise Jesus.
ERICA: It’s causing me a large amount of grief, ‘Todd,’ to even be in here… I just want to get out as soon as possible. Can we please just… can we see her?
(ERICA begins to move towards the coffin)
TODD: WAIT! Before… Before we have the viewing, we always… What sets us apart, as a parlor – besides the fact that I built it – is that we have… A little ceremony before the viewing.
BRIAN: Is that so?
TODD: Yes. As a business, we had to think of something that would make us unique.
BRIAN: And just what is that?
TODD: Well, we… We take a tour of the facility.
ERICA: Really?
TODD: Yes. And I, Todd, will be your tour guide. We want to show you just how we treat our… the deceased. It eases the mind to see how humane the whole process is.
(ILSA runs out crying. Her makeup is smeared all down her face)
ILSA: You tell that good for nothing brother of yours that it’s over between him and I! Over, you hear?
(ILSA runs off SR)
Angus Jones - Co-Owner of Woodman's Funeral Home, which in it's second day of business.
Todd Jones - Co-Owner of Woodman's Funeral Home, the more irresponsible of the two brothers.
Ilsa Gabor - Makeup artist. Eccentric.
Brian Sanderson - Father of the deceased.
Erica Sanderson - Mother of the deceased.
Sarah Sanderson - Daughter of the deacsed (Very attractive)
Tim Sanderson - Son of Brian and Erica - Constantly fiddling with a gameboy.
The Workers - Four workers who move bodies.
Woodman's
By
Mal Reynolds
By
Mal Reynolds
(ANGUS is standing SL in front of a coffin. There are a few benches SL, and a wreath on an easel. ANGUS is fervently waving at the exiting guests, who are offstage L)
ANGUS: (Waving) I’m sorry for your loss… Thank you for doing business with Woodman’s Funeral Home. Have a nice day! (Turns to the coffin) Have a nice day… That’s great. Really super damn-fantastic.
(TODD enters SR, with apple)
TODD: Did you tell them to have a nice day?
(ANGUS nods)
TODD: Their father died and you told them to have a nice day.
(ANGUS nods)
TODD: How old was the youngest?
ANGUS: Five.
TODD: He’s probably not going to have a nice day.
ANGUS: I get it, Todd!
TODD: Did you at least thank them for doing business with us?
ANGUS: Of course.
TODD: And you wished them a good day.
ANGUS: Of cour – Ah.
TODD: (Takes a bite out of an apple) And you’re supposed to be the business savvy brother.
ANGUS: Business and personality aren’t exclusive. They see other people. Besides, where were you? We’re supposed to stand united. Woodman’s Funeral Home.
TODD: Right, Woodman’s Funeral Home. Woodman’s. Woodman’s. What’s wrong with that name, Angus?
ANGUS: Nothing.
TODD: Our last name isn’t Woodman. I don’t think that name ran anywhere in our family line.
ANGUS: But “Woodman’s” sounds so official.
TODD: More official than, say… “The Jones’ Brother’s Body Viewing Shack.”
ANGUS: If we had gone with that we wouldn’t have made it past our first day, much less to our second… You never really had any sense of title.
TODD: At least I didn’t tell mourning children to ‘have a nice day.’ (Bites the apple)
ANGUS: At least I was out here with the body. (Looks at the coffin) Which reminds me. (Yells offstage R) Hey, guys, move it out!
(Four workers come on stage wearing uniforms that read “Woody”)
TODD: You like the uniforms?
ANGUS: What do they say – (Reads one as the workers move to the coffin) Good God, no. We’re not “Woody’s.” Christ, that’s so phallic…
TODD: It’s a double entendre. I learned about that at the community college.
ANGUS: It’s not funny.
TODD: Death is an aphrodisiac.
(ANGUS sighs as the workers lift the coffin)
ANGUS: As soon as you get that loaded into the hearse I want you out of those uniforms!
(The workers mumble as they move the coffin offstage)
ANGUS: When’s the next appointment?
TODD: You have the schedule.
ANGUS: No, I told you I was setting it down on the easel and I needed you to go over it, that it looked like we were double booked, and –
TODD: There’s nothing on the easel.
(ANGUS stops, freezes and realizes where the schedule is. He WHISTLES and the workers come back on stage with the coffin. ANGUS reaches in, moves the body, and pulls out a clip board)
ANGUS: One of the kids bumped into the easel while he was on his tippy toes.
TODD: Natch.
(ANGUS is looking over the list.)
ANGUS: Todd.
TODD: Sup?
ANGUS: You scheduled these two ten minutes apart.
TODD: … And?
ANGUS: We have no other bookings today and you put these two RIGHT on top of each other?
TODD: I wanted to simulate some kind of ‘lunch-rush.’
ANGUS: You don’t have LUNCH RUSHES at funeral parlors, Todd!
TODD: Don’t sweat it. Ilsa knew about it. She should be finishing up with the body.
(ANGUS looks over at TODD, who is wearing jeans and a ratty t-shirt)
ANGUS: And are you going to be attending?
TODD: I guess.
ANGUS: And are you going to be changing clothes?
TODD: Why?
ANGUS: (Sighing) Just change into your suit.
TODD: Alright… Mom.
ANGUS: I swear to Jesus – Tell Ilsa to tell me when the bodies ready. We have six minutes, let’s move it!
TODD: Aye aye, captain.
(TODD exits SL. ILSA is entering at the same time)
TODD: Ilsa, Angus wants to know when the body is going to be ready.
(TODD exits. ILSA runs up to ANGUS, who is straightening his tie.)
ILSA: Hello, dear, hello, baby doll hello sweet face of mine, hello, hello, hello world!
ANGUS: Hello, Ilsa. Is the body ready?
ILSA: She had such a plain face. She looks so pretty now!
ANGUS: So the body as ready?
ILSA: Dare I come out here with my work unfinished? Does an artist leave their painting before it’s done? Did you know Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel in one day because he couldn’t bare to part with it?
ANGUS: I’m almost positive that’s not true.
ILSA: They did a special on it on Mythbusters.
ANGUS: Once again, I think you’re lying.
ILSA: Oh, how dare you! How dare you accuse me of such a thing! I am squandering my talents on this place, I tell you Angus, I tell you, I squander my talents! I could be in the Sistine Chapel, painting an even better ceiling thingy but instead I’m here, putting powder on people who are turning into powder. That was poetic. Angus, tell me I’m poetic.
ANGUS: As a Shakespearean tragedy.
ILSA: Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s Day?
ANGUS: No. No, no, not now. Not even later. I need the body in here as soon as possible. The Sansfords are going to be here any second and they expect to see their dearly departed lovely made up daughter on that table, so stop talking to me and –
ILSA: Did you know death is an aphrodisiac?
ANGUS: … So I’m told.
ILSA: Well, good. So long as you know.
ANGUS: Just –
ILSA: Did you know that when you hired me?
ANGUS: Ilsa, when I hired you, I had no idea what I was getting in to.
ILSA: Oh, you have such a way with words, you lovely man, you kinky boots, you sexy beast.
ANGUS: I’m going to have to ask you not to be here when the family arrives.
ILSA: An artist is never present for the unveiling.
ANGUS: (Yells SL to the workers) Could we get the next one out here, guys?
(A few seconds later they emerge with a new coffin. They’re no longer wearing their uniforms, instead, white wife beaters tucked into jeans)
ANGUS: You four look like a bad gang.
WORKER 1: Kiss my grits.
WORKER 2: Yeah, kiss his grits!
WORKER 3: You told us no uniforms.
WORKER 4: (Struggles to find something to say) Yeah, kiss his grits!
(The workers set the coffin down and peek inside. One of them laughs. The other three look inside and begin laughing uncontrollably. ANGUS turns and looks at them)
ANGUS: Good. Laugh at a dead body. Feel proud.
WORKER 1: God, Angus, kiss it.
WORKER 2: Yeah, kiss it!
WORKER 3: Are there any other appointments?
ANGUS: No.
WORKER 4: You still have to pay us for a full day.
ANGUS: Says who?
WORKERS: (ALL) Union!
ANGUS: Just – God, get out of here! Go, go! I’ll pay you for the day, I just can’t have The Greasers here when the next family arrives.
(The Workers exit)
ANGUS: Ilsa, will you please get out of here?
ILSA: As you wish, oh captain my captain.
(ILSA exits SR)
ANGUS: Alright. (Moves over to the easel and puts up a portrait of the young woman in the coffin.) Well… What were they laughing at. (Peeks inside the coffin) Oh God. Oh, God. (Looks back and forth between the portrait and the woman in the coffin) Oh, GOD! ILSA, GET OUT HERE!
(ILSA rushes onstage)
ILSA: Yes, my love?
ANGUS: What did you to her face!?
ILSA: I made her BEAUTIFUL!
ANGUS: ILSA!
ILSA: Angus?
ANGUS: Ilsa.
ILSA: Angus, are you not pleased?
ANGUS: She looks like a goddamned clown, Ilsa!
ILSA: She looks vibrant!
ANGUS: Oh, Ilsa, vibrant is selling it short. I looks like she’s about to jump out of the coffin and juggle. Do we have balloons so she can make animals for the birthday party? Ilsa, you have to fix this.
ILSA: There is nothing to fix, love.
ANGUS: Ilsa. Ilsa, Ilsa, please bear with me. Please. The Sanderson’s cannot, I stress cannot here because I do not want you to confuse “cannot” with “can” or “can-can” –
(ILSA begins to dance the can-can)
ANGUS: The Sanderson’s CANNOT see their daughter like this. This, this –
ILSA: Out with it, love, sweet boy –
ANGUS: This is a travesty! This is a mockery of death!
ILSA: I beg your pardon?
ANGUS: It’s called a ‘viewing,’ Ilsa. Not a ‘look away because the makeup artist at the parlor has no sense of color, styling, or even what a decent clown should look like.’ You need to fix this.
ILSA: I will not.
ANGUS: Ilsa, you HAVE to fix this. We have three minutes before the family is scheduled to arrive, and –
(The Sanderson’s enter from SL. The father, BRIAN, approaches Angus and taps him on the shoulder. Angus turns, and promptly falls down. Ilsa exits)
BRIAN: Hello, we’re here for –
ANGUS: (On the floor)The viewing. (Gets up) It’ll be just one second.
BRIAN: Okay. I know we’re early.
(ANGUS nods and TODD walks out, struggling with his tie)
TODD: Could you help me with this, Angus?
(TODD looks up and sees the family. He gives them a once over and does a double take when he sees SARAH, young, beautiful sister of the deceased.)
TODD: Angus, could I have a word over here?
(ANGUS walks over to TODD, out of earshot of the family)
TODD: She’s gorgeous.
ANGUS: No, she looks like a clown.
TODD: You’re very shallow, you know.
ANGUS: I don’t see how you don’t see it, Todd, it’s very clear that Ilsa has made a huge mistake. Or maybe I made the mistake in hiring Ilsa.
TODD: What does Ilsa have to do with her makeup? (Points to SARAH)
ANGUS: Oh. Sorry, we’ve got a bit of a crisis. Once we solve that, I’ll be sure to ogle the family of the deceased with you. (Pulls his tie tight, causing TODD to gag. The family looks over)
ANGUS: Just one second, folks, I have to speak with my brother. I’m sorry for your loss – and the delay.
(Pushes TODD back even further)
ANGUS: The dead girl –
TODD: Yes? (Loosens his tie)
ANGUS: The one in the box –
TODD: Uh-huh?
ANGUS: Ilsa made her up, right?
TODD: Right, that’s what you hired her for, isn’t it?
ANGUS: Todd, shut up. Let me finish. Ilsa made her up, but she looks… Like a clown.
TODD: Sweet! Lemme see!
(ANGUS has told hold TODD back)
ANGUS: No! You can’t look in the coffin, because then they’ll want to look in the coffin, and then it just goes all to hell. We can’t let a grieving family see their daughter like that.
TODD: But I wanna see…
ANGUS: What would you rather do, see the body… Or distract the family so they can’t see inside the coffin until I can get the makeup off of her?
TODD: I would rather see the body, Angus.
ANGUS: But if you distract the family… You know who is a member of that family, don’t you?
TODD: The dead chick that I want to see.
ANGUS: The… ‘hot daughter.’ You could charm her all you wanted if you just stopped ALL of them from looking in the coffin.
TODD: I like it… But why don’t you just wheel the coffin out of here?
ANGUS: Don’t you think that’d look a bit suspicious?
TODD: Well, yeah. Why don’t you just be honest with them, tell them the makeup artist mucked it?
ANGUS: Because I hired her. It doesn’t matter, it would reflect poorly on all of us, on this place. Do you think Dad would have wanted that?
TODD: Don’t talk about Dad like he’s dead, Angus. I talked to Dad yesterday. He’s still fuming about you buying this place.
ANGUS: Just… God, will you just for once listen to me? Can you get over there and make sure they stay away from the coffin? I have to get Ilsa back out here.
(ANGUS runs offstage. TODD moves over to the family, who seem to be talking amongst themselves.)
TODD: Hi, my name is Todd and I’m the co-owner of this place.
SARAH: The parlor is beautiful.
TODD: Thank you, I made it myself.
BRIAN: Excuse me?
TODD: Yes, I built all four of these walls. I did the stained glass last year during a summer course.
ERICA: Really? It looks so professional.
TODD: I try my hardest to be professional at (looks at Sarah) everything I do.
BRIAN: That’s a good philosophy, I suppose.
TODD: You suppose? I stake my life on it every day. I work myself to death sometimes.
(An ‘Oh, ****’ look crosses TODD’S face as he realizes just what exactly he said)
TODD: I – uh – That was uncalled for.
(TIM punches TODD in the stomach. He doubles over)
TODD: Strong kid you got there, Mr. Sanderson.
BRIAN: What’s the holdup?
TODD: There is no hold up. It’s our policy at Woodman’s that we are very personal and personable with each of our clients. It helps for repeat business. Oh, God, not that we even want repeat business, not from you all – not, we don’t want repeat business from anyone – What I mean is, how are you?
ERICA: Growing tired.
TODD: (And to Sarah) And what about you? How are you? How are you feeling? Would you like a coffee, or a toffee, or a drink or something?
SARAH: … No. I’m feeling fine. Well, as fine as I can with… a dead… (starts tearing up)
TODD: There, there, don’t cry. Don’t worry, everything is going to be all right. (To Erica) It’s clear who got the looks in the family, you know, between the two daughters.
(From offstage, cries are heard)
ANGUS: (Offstage) Ilsa, just get out here!
ILSA: (Offstage) They have a saying where I’m from, Angus, do you know what it is?
ANGUS: (Offstage) WHAT?!
ILSA: (Offstage) If an artiste goes unappreciated –
ANGUS: (Offstage) You’re NOT an artiste! You offend the word, you offend the occupation, and worst of all, you offend the senses. You SLAUGHTER the senses.
(A ‘SLAP’ is heard and ANGUS walks back onstage holding his cheek. He walks over to TODD and looks at him)
ANGUS: I have to run to the corner store… I’ll be right back. Todd, how is the family doing?
TODD: They’re very fine.
(ANGUS runs off SL)
TODD: He’s always running around. Our Dad calls him the marathon man.
SARAH: Does he really?
TODD: No.
TIM: This is boring, can I play my gameboy?
TODD: And they say kids are getting desensitized.
ERICA: He’s got… ADD, you know?
TODD: Oh, the manufactured disease to sell cocaine in pill form and to keep kids as autonomous as possible?
ERICA: Excuse me?
TODD: (Beginning to get nervous as the family grows anxious) God, is it getting hot in here or is it me?
SARAH: It is warm. (Removes her sweater revealing a black dress)
TODD: (Under his breath) Praise Jesus.
ERICA: It’s causing me a large amount of grief, ‘Todd,’ to even be in here… I just want to get out as soon as possible. Can we please just… can we see her?
(ERICA begins to move towards the coffin)
TODD: WAIT! Before… Before we have the viewing, we always… What sets us apart, as a parlor – besides the fact that I built it – is that we have… A little ceremony before the viewing.
BRIAN: Is that so?
TODD: Yes. As a business, we had to think of something that would make us unique.
BRIAN: And just what is that?
TODD: Well, we… We take a tour of the facility.
ERICA: Really?
TODD: Yes. And I, Todd, will be your tour guide. We want to show you just how we treat our… the deceased. It eases the mind to see how humane the whole process is.
(ILSA runs out crying. Her makeup is smeared all down her face)
ILSA: You tell that good for nothing brother of yours that it’s over between him and I! Over, you hear?
(ILSA runs off SR)
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