Newest Story

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  • Magnafiend
    FFR Player
    • Jul 2005
    • 154
    #1

    Newest Story

    Just finished the alpha version of my newest short story and I am looking for some feedback on what I have so far. Ive been told it reminds people of the game Fallout, which I have never played so the striking resemblances surprised me.
    http://mldb88.googlepages.com/thebarrens2 is the link, or at least i think it it. if not, you can find it from http://mldb88.googlepages.com/home
    Last edited by Magnafiend; 11-13-2006, 02:10 PM. Reason: forgot part of the link
    The reaper is the happiest being of all, because death is plentiful in this realm....
    Tags: None
    • mead1
      Cerebellumberjack
      FFR Simfile Author
      • Aug 2003
      • 3960
      #2
      Re: Newest Story

      Wow, that was the worst jumble of over-used sci-fi stereotypes I've read in a long time. Let me try to be civil about this.

      1. Ace is the worst name for a character ever. This is not just personal preference, it is fact.

      2. A screw up proving himself IS NOT a new or original concept. It's a boring archetype. If you are going to use a dime-a-dozen plot concept, please for the love of god, do SOMETHING original.

      3. Female leads are not obligated to be attracted to male lead roles for no good reason at all. There was no reason whatsoever for it in this story, and it felt tacked on.

      4. Epic FINAL BATTLES should be a little bit longer, more detailed, and much more interesting. They should also fit the threat at hand. Some epic defense system that wiped out a planet should not be destroyed that easily.

      I could point out more critical flaws, but I would have to open up the story to point out specific things. I'm just not willing to do that.

        Comment

        • TheRaiRaiEatsBalloons
          Banned
          FFR Simfile Author
          • Oct 2005
          • 1048
          #3
          Re: Newest Story

          ahahahahaha, good call, mead

          I am not going to read this.

            Comment

            • MalReynolds
              CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
              • Sep 2003
              • 6571
              #4
              Re: Newest Story

              "For God's sake Ace, I'm missing a stomach! Doctors don't grow organs on trees!"

              Says the woman who is MISSING A STOMACH.
              "A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline."

              "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor


              My new novel:

              Maledictions: The Offering.

              Now in Paperback!

                Comment

                • Afrobean
                  Admiral in the Red Army
                  • Dec 2003
                  • 13262
                  #5
                  Re: Newest Story

                  Originally posted by mead1
                  Some epic defense system that wiped out a planet should not be destroyed that easily.
                  Ever seen Star Wars?

                    Comment

                    • MalReynolds
                      CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
                      • Sep 2003
                      • 6571
                      #6
                      Re: Newest Story

                      Originally posted by Afrobean
                      Ever seen Star Wars?
                      Right, but they used a mystical force to blow up the Death Star... This ETES system just gets shot a lot by non-armor piercing bullets, and it's supposedly a creation that wiped out humanity.
                      "A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline."

                      "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor


                      My new novel:

                      Maledictions: The Offering.

                      Now in Paperback!

                        Comment

                        • Magnafiend
                          FFR Player
                          • Jul 2005
                          • 154
                          #7
                          Re: Newest Story

                          the whole thing behind that is it was created at the peak of humanity, when weapon technologies were at their highest. therefore it had no defense system built in for such a primitive weapon because such a weapon did not exist at the time of its construction. not to mention it was one hell of a shot, and the non armor piercing shell just damaged the magnetic barrier generator.
                          The reaper is the happiest being of all, because death is plentiful in this realm....

                            Comment

                            • FoJaR
                              The Worst
                              • Nov 2005
                              • 2816
                              #8
                              Re: Newest Story

                              lets see you type that post without a stomach.

                                Comment

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