INT – Garfield House, 5 PM
INSIDE the house is a large group of people. They are all wearing black; it is apparent this is a WAKE. A man in a black suit is standing next to a display, with a picture of a mother and husband displayed; they have recently passed away. He is shaking hands with several people who seem to be offering their condolences. This man is DARREN GARFIELD. After a few seconds, the camera pans around to the food tray, moving to the front hallway, where the front door-knob is turned slowly, and the door is pushed open, revealing a stocky young man, unshaven, wearing a black t-shirt and a black undershirt with sleeves that poke out, and baggy khakis. He has a bag slung over one shoulder, and a suitcase in hand, and a garbage bag filled with clothes in his other hand. He is MARK GARFIELD.
He moves through the foyer, dropping his bags and looking around. Darren looks up from the display, and does a double take.
Darren walks over to Mark, while Mark looks around.
FLASHBACK: A series of photographs of two young men drinking, vomiting, having parties. It’s obvious these guys aren’t the group to have at a wake.
The front door opens with a creek and we are greeted by the silhouettes of two men. They are holding beer in each hand. They raise their six-packs as the light focuses, revealing KYLE and CHRISTOPH. As they come into view, they begin to CHEER.
DARREN moves to the door, closing it in their faces.
A series of flash-backs. MARK, standing outside of a car.
MARK with a woman, who is holding a pregnancy test.
MARK as a child, spilling juice on the floor.
BACK to the wake.
CUT TO the inside of a lawyer’s office. The camera cuts to the lawyer, to Darren’s face, to Mark’s face.
The camera pulls back to reveal KYLE and CRISTOPH behind MARK. They raise their six-packs, and HOWL.
MARK stands and high-fives the other people in the room, including a few of DARREN’S guests.
CUT TO two people walking down a trail. They look up, and see their cabin, which is off-screen, and find a note stuck to a tree with a knife. The husband pulls the note down and reads it.
CUT BACK to the lawyers office.
DARREN stands and exits.
(This is the end of PART 1. PART 2 will come when I write it, we're filming this on a shoe-string budget, but think Arrested Development meets It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia)
INSIDE the house is a large group of people. They are all wearing black; it is apparent this is a WAKE. A man in a black suit is standing next to a display, with a picture of a mother and husband displayed; they have recently passed away. He is shaking hands with several people who seem to be offering their condolences. This man is DARREN GARFIELD. After a few seconds, the camera pans around to the food tray, moving to the front hallway, where the front door-knob is turned slowly, and the door is pushed open, revealing a stocky young man, unshaven, wearing a black t-shirt and a black undershirt with sleeves that poke out, and baggy khakis. He has a bag slung over one shoulder, and a suitcase in hand, and a garbage bag filled with clothes in his other hand. He is MARK GARFIELD.
MARK
Mom? Dad? Hello?
Mom? Dad? Hello?
He moves through the foyer, dropping his bags and looking around. Darren looks up from the display, and does a double take.
MARK
Darren?
DARREN:
Mark?
Darren?
DARREN:
Mark?
Darren walks over to Mark, while Mark looks around.
MARK
Hey, man, do you know where Mom
and Dad are? I’ve got a crap load of laundry.
DARREN
Uh… Mark… I tried calling you.
MARK
Oh, yeah, I haven’t paid my phone
bill in AGES. I need to borrow some
money, too.
DARREN
Well…
MARK
Not too much; I don’t wanna
rob em’ or anything like that. They’re old,
they need their money.
DARREN
Not where they are now.
MARK
A bank?
DARREN
Well… Mom and Dad… They passed away.
MARK
… Jesus, they’re dead?
DARREN
I’m so sorry.
MARK
… Do you know how to do laundry?
DARREN
I know this is how you grieve…
MARK
I’m not grieving.
DARREN
It’s okay.
MARK
I’m fine.
DARREN
You can cry in front of me.
MARK
I’m not going to –
DARREN
It’s alright, Mark –
MARK
But I’m not going to –
DARREN:
You can cry. We’re all family –
MARK
I’m NOT going to cry!
DARREN
You know –
MARK
Not happening.
DARREN and MARK stand looking at each other, as the camera pulls back. Everyone at the wake is staring at the two.
MARK
What are you all looking at?
Get back to serving the drinks!
DARREN
These are our guests, Mark
There is a sudden RING at the door, causing Darren to slightly jump.
DARREN
That’s odd. We weren’t really expecting
anyone else. We weren’t even really
expecting you.
MARK
Well… I didn’t know Mom and Dad were dead
so I gave a few friends of mine a call to see if they
wanted to have a little “Mark” is moving back home
shindig in honor of me moving back into the house.
DARREN
… Who did you invite?
Hey, man, do you know where Mom
and Dad are? I’ve got a crap load of laundry.
DARREN
Uh… Mark… I tried calling you.
MARK
Oh, yeah, I haven’t paid my phone
bill in AGES. I need to borrow some
money, too.
DARREN
Well…
MARK
Not too much; I don’t wanna
rob em’ or anything like that. They’re old,
they need their money.
DARREN
Not where they are now.
MARK
A bank?
DARREN
Well… Mom and Dad… They passed away.
MARK
… Jesus, they’re dead?
DARREN
I’m so sorry.
MARK
… Do you know how to do laundry?
DARREN
I know this is how you grieve…
MARK
I’m not grieving.
DARREN
It’s okay.
MARK
I’m fine.
DARREN
You can cry in front of me.
MARK
I’m not going to –
DARREN
It’s alright, Mark –
MARK
But I’m not going to –
DARREN:
You can cry. We’re all family –
MARK
I’m NOT going to cry!
DARREN
You know –
MARK
Not happening.
DARREN and MARK stand looking at each other, as the camera pulls back. Everyone at the wake is staring at the two.
MARK
What are you all looking at?
Get back to serving the drinks!
DARREN
These are our guests, Mark
There is a sudden RING at the door, causing Darren to slightly jump.
DARREN
That’s odd. We weren’t really expecting
anyone else. We weren’t even really
expecting you.
MARK
Well… I didn’t know Mom and Dad were dead
so I gave a few friends of mine a call to see if they
wanted to have a little “Mark” is moving back home
shindig in honor of me moving back into the house.
DARREN
… Who did you invite?
FLASHBACK: A series of photographs of two young men drinking, vomiting, having parties. It’s obvious these guys aren’t the group to have at a wake.
MARK (VO)
Just some really stolid friends.
Just some really stolid friends.
The front door opens with a creek and we are greeted by the silhouettes of two men. They are holding beer in each hand. They raise their six-packs as the light focuses, revealing KYLE and CHRISTOPH. As they come into view, they begin to CHEER.
KYLE
It’s time to get this party started!
It’s time to get this party started!
DARREN moves to the door, closing it in their faces.
DARREN
They can’t be here. This is a dignified event.
MARK
Yeah, well, if someone would have called me…
DARREN
Just get rid of them. The lawyer wants to go over the will.
MARK:
You mean they actually left us stuff?
DARREN
“Us,” probably not. You remember all the times they threatened
to cut you out of the will.
They can’t be here. This is a dignified event.
MARK
Yeah, well, if someone would have called me…
DARREN
Just get rid of them. The lawyer wants to go over the will.
MARK:
You mean they actually left us stuff?
DARREN
“Us,” probably not. You remember all the times they threatened
to cut you out of the will.
A series of flash-backs. MARK, standing outside of a car.
MARK
It stalled out, man.
DAD (VO)
You’re out of the will.
It stalled out, man.
DAD (VO)
You’re out of the will.
MARK with a woman, who is holding a pregnancy test.
MARK
We can all afford to be positive…
DAD (VO)
You’re out of the will.
We can all afford to be positive…
DAD (VO)
You’re out of the will.
MARK as a child, spilling juice on the floor.
DAD (VO)
You’re out of the will.
You’re out of the will.
BACK to the wake.
MARK
Alright, I’ll get rid of them… As long
as you let me in the room when the lawyer goes
over the will.
DARREN
Perfect.
Alright, I’ll get rid of them… As long
as you let me in the room when the lawyer goes
over the will.
DARREN
Perfect.
CUT TO the inside of a lawyer’s office. The camera cuts to the lawyer, to Darren’s face, to Mark’s face.
LAWYER
“And to my son Darren, my wonderful son.
You’re not really my son. You were adopted when you
were three. Mommie didn’t think she could have any more
children. I’m sorry you have to hear it like this, from the
half retarded lawyer, but Mark is actually older
than you by two years.”
MARK
See? Wonderful piece of information they left you.
LAWYER
“We also bequeath unto you the family cow. Bessie has served
us for many years, providing enough milk and cheese to feed you
through thick and thin. Please, keep her alive and healthy.”
DARREN
When was the last time they… Amneded the will?
LAWYER
Six years ago.
DARREN
I thought so. Bessie’s been dead for three.
MARK
Guess they didn’t exactly plan on dying, did they?
DARREN
No one expects the bird flu.
LAWYER
“To my loving husband, I leave –“
MARK
Let’s skip this crap; he’s dead too.
LAWYER
“And to my son Mark, my biggest disappointment.
You were constantly letting the family down. I cannot think
of a day that has gone by where you have done something
unselfish, or for someone else. Ever since you were six,
the entire world has revolved around you. Thusly, we leave you
with nothing.”
MARK
Godammit. I knew this was going to happen. I hate them. Fu –
LAWYER
“Except the Vista 20, our local movie theatre. Perhaps with this
responsibility you can finally learn how to –“
MARK
I just inherited a theatre?
“And to my son Darren, my wonderful son.
You’re not really my son. You were adopted when you
were three. Mommie didn’t think she could have any more
children. I’m sorry you have to hear it like this, from the
half retarded lawyer, but Mark is actually older
than you by two years.”
MARK
See? Wonderful piece of information they left you.
LAWYER
“We also bequeath unto you the family cow. Bessie has served
us for many years, providing enough milk and cheese to feed you
through thick and thin. Please, keep her alive and healthy.”
DARREN
When was the last time they… Amneded the will?
LAWYER
Six years ago.
DARREN
I thought so. Bessie’s been dead for three.
MARK
Guess they didn’t exactly plan on dying, did they?
DARREN
No one expects the bird flu.
LAWYER
“To my loving husband, I leave –“
MARK
Let’s skip this crap; he’s dead too.
LAWYER
“And to my son Mark, my biggest disappointment.
You were constantly letting the family down. I cannot think
of a day that has gone by where you have done something
unselfish, or for someone else. Ever since you were six,
the entire world has revolved around you. Thusly, we leave you
with nothing.”
MARK
Godammit. I knew this was going to happen. I hate them. Fu –
LAWYER
“Except the Vista 20, our local movie theatre. Perhaps with this
responsibility you can finally learn how to –“
MARK
I just inherited a theatre?
The camera pulls back to reveal KYLE and CRISTOPH behind MARK. They raise their six-packs, and HOWL.
DARREN
They owned a theatre? I thought all they owned was that
stupid cow.
MARK
This comes as a shock to all of us –
They owned a theatre? I thought all they owned was that
stupid cow.
MARK
This comes as a shock to all of us –
MARK stands and high-fives the other people in the room, including a few of DARREN’S guests.
MARK
But I think they made the right call.
DARREN
How do you figure? I’m the eldest son, I’ve had a steady job –
MARK
First of all, I’m the older son now… Sweet. Second, you were
working the concession stand at a theater you didn’t
even know you owned.
DARREN
But still, where have you been the last
year?
MARK
Nova Scotia. Kyle’s parents have a cabin up there.
KYLE
It’s true. They do have a cabin.
MARK
Yeah, so I decided to get away from it, the tense atmosphere,
the constant hounding for money…
DARREN
You were unemployed.
MARK
Tell me about it. It was a nice break from reality, until I burned it down.
KYLE
You burned down my parent’s cabin?
MARK
Don’t worry, it was totally sweet.
CRISTOPH
Do they know?
But I think they made the right call.
DARREN
How do you figure? I’m the eldest son, I’ve had a steady job –
MARK
First of all, I’m the older son now… Sweet. Second, you were
working the concession stand at a theater you didn’t
even know you owned.
DARREN
But still, where have you been the last
year?
MARK
Nova Scotia. Kyle’s parents have a cabin up there.
KYLE
It’s true. They do have a cabin.
MARK
Yeah, so I decided to get away from it, the tense atmosphere,
the constant hounding for money…
DARREN
You were unemployed.
MARK
Tell me about it. It was a nice break from reality, until I burned it down.
KYLE
You burned down my parent’s cabin?
MARK
Don’t worry, it was totally sweet.
CRISTOPH
Do they know?
CUT TO two people walking down a trail. They look up, and see their cabin, which is off-screen, and find a note stuck to a tree with a knife. The husband pulls the note down and reads it.
THROWAWAY CHARACTER
“I burned your cabin; you’re next.”
“I burned your cabin; you’re next.”
CUT BACK to the lawyers office.
MARK
I left a note.
DARREN
Excuse me.
I left a note.
DARREN
Excuse me.
DARREN stands and exits.
(This is the end of PART 1. PART 2 will come when I write it, we're filming this on a shoe-string budget, but think Arrested Development meets It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia)
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