In Too Deep (Part Two)

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  • Chromer
    Hookers and Blow
    • Jul 2003
    • 4981

    #1

    In Too Deep (Part Two)

    Part Two

    Ohhh boy. I hear the sirens outside of the hotel wailing. I knew scalping the kid was a bad idea, so I saved it for last after I got what I wanted out of him. The kid told me he was sent by a man who destroyed my past and can destroy my future. I take the knife and cut a finger off. He tells me some more info. It seems like this was the guy who set me up to spend 10 years in the joint on murder charges against thirty people. A serial killer of all sorts. Tortured his victims in deranged ways and the only way they could escape was by mutilating themselves.

    I busted the creep and made him pay up big. However, turned out that the serial killer I busted was the husband of a Supreme Court Justice. From there on out, it was one penitentary to the next. I ain't really the friendly type and having to fight everyday just because I dropped the soap during shower time isn't really my style. I finally got out and been trying to live the straight and narrow. I haven't killed a man in 10 years except today and I must say: old habits die hard when you're an ex-SWAT member.

    I was a pro at what I did. You could say I took my job a little too seriously when every crminal we were supposed to detain, I killed. That's when the Feds busted me down to Crossing Guard. During the guard period, that's when I busted the serial killer doing the vigilante thing. Now, I'm an old, horny, washed up man who just knocked out a guy and killed another one. I'm going to Hell, but I'm gonna take every f**ker I can with me before I do.

    The sounds of beating footsteps greet my ears. The calvary is here and when they find the two kids it's gonna be hell on earth. I turn to the left and see a stairway door. I try the handle. It's locked of course.

    "****ing ass," I say under my breath as I take the bloody lead pipe and knock the handle off.

    I slam the door behind me and jump down the flight of stairs. I gotta get out of here. Gotta get to Sam's Diner and figure out what the hell is going on. I reach the bottom floor and peer out the glass window in the door. There's a cop standing right in front of me with his back toward the door.

    Wrong place to be buddy.

    I open the door and grab him aaround the neck, pulling him into the stairwell. I twist real tight and a small Pop! emerges from his neck. I close his eyes and congratulate him on his quick, painless death. I hide the body and walk out of the stairwell down the hall into the hotel lobby. Police are swarming around the lobby like a pack of rats whose found some food to eat. I try to calm the african drum beating in my chest and try to look cool as ice. A police officer approaches me and instinctively my hand goes back for Lucille.

    "You see anything weird or out of the ordinary sir?" asks the rookie cop.

    I ease my hand away from Lucille and put it in my leather coat pocket.

    "No, I heard some screaming from the 4th Floor and I got nervous so I came downstairs to maybe get myself a cup of coffee from Sam's Diner to ease my nerves," I answer him.

    The cop smiles and I give him my fakest smile of all year. It was probably the last smile I was going to give anyone that morning.

    "Well, if you feel like talking to calm your nerves, I'm always here. I'm Officer Dan," said the cop as he tipped his hat towards me.

    I turn around ignoring the gesture and walk for the door. I've spent too much time here and I need some rain in my face to calm me down. I walk out of the rotating doors and look up to the sky to feel the rain hitting me. It's the color of deep purple. Morning would be here soon and I needed to talk to Eddie as soon as possible. I turn to the right and begin walking down Freemont Street towards Sam's Diner. I take the pack of cigarettes out of my coat pocket and light one with the lighter in my other pocket. I take a long drag and exhale. Calm down old man. You've got nothing to worry about. You've been in worse situations before. I agree with my inner voice and continue walking down the street to a stoplight.

    A long, black Cadillac pulls up besides me at the stoplight. I glance sideways to see an old woman and a young man sitting in the car talking. I ease my hand away from Lucille again and look forward across the street. A sharp pain stings me in my left arm. I grab my arm and look to see a spot of blood growing out of the hole in my leather jacket. I turn to the Cadillac to see the old woman with a 5.7 Compact holding it out the window. I quickly pull out Lucille with my right hand and spin around ducking around a nearby dumpster in the alleyway. What sounds like a rainstorm begins as bullets from the old hag's pistol and what sounded like an AK-47 begin to pound the dumpster. I peer out, aim the gun in my hand and plant a bullet in Granny's head. The blood sprays from her head and splashes the guy in the face.

    While he's wiping his eyes, I quickly run over to the driver's side and put the gun to the man's head.

    "Get the **** out of the car or I'll blow your ass straight to hell you bastard," I order him.

    The man wipes his eyes and opens the door.

    "Keep you hands above your head and I swear I won't shoot you in the eyes for shooting at me," I say to him as he raises his arms.

    I crack my neck and give the man a hard right hook in the face. I knock a tooth out and the man tries to protect his face.

    "KEEP YOUR HANDS ABOVE YOU HEAD CREEP!" I yell as I pistol-whip him in the face.

    He now starts bleeding from the nose. I'm not even done with you yet Jack. I pistol-whip his face to hell. When I'm done with him, he has bloody cuts all over his face, his cheeks are swollen, and he's got two black eyes. I think I've warmed up enough. I put the gun in his mouth and the man starts to cry.

    "I'm gonna only give you one chance to give me what I want, then I'll decide from there. WHO SET ME UP TODAY?" I yell.

    "Mhemm," the creep mumbles with the gun in his mouth.

    I didn't need to take the gun out of his mouth to get the name clear. It was Madden. Clint "Rabid Pitbull" Madden. He was a fiery police chief I squealed on when I found out he was smuggling cocaine in the shipments of artillery for the police station. It turned out he was the best friend of the serial killer and even helped torture some of the victims. When I tried to rat him out, it only returned back to Madden and went up the chain to the court justice bitch. It was because of Madden I was busted down to crossing guard and ultimately spent 10 years in prison.

    "Thanks for your time kid. I hope you and that old woman Madden sent to kill me spend a nice fiery night in Hell," I say to him as I cock Lucille.

    The man's eyes bulge and he screams as I pull the trigger. His brain paints the side of the Sedan and he slumps over dead. I wipe the man's slobber off Lucille on my pants and look down at the man. A dark spot appears in the back of his pants. I chuckle. The guy **** himself right before he died. I laugh but it quickly dies down as I hear the sirens again behind me. Time to go to Sam's. I look at my watch. It reads 2:15 AM. I shrug the cold feeling of loathing in my body and continue running down the street. Whatever job Eddie had for me, I couldn't decline now. With the chips stacked against me, I was already in too deep.

    End of Part Two
    Last edited by Chromer; 06-20-2006, 06:14 PM.
  • MalReynolds
    CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
    • Sep 2003
    • 6571

    #2
    Re: In Too Deep (Part Two)

    What the hell happened. You had such a strong opening, and then this? The first part was actually decent but this just... I don't know what happened. You completley eliminated the mystery from the piece. Now it's just brash, senseless ultra-violence with a plot that makes almost NO sense.
    "A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline."

    "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor


    My new novel:

    Maledictions: The Offering.

    Now in Paperback!

    Comment

    • Chromer
      Hookers and Blow
      • Jul 2003
      • 4981

      #3
      Re: In Too Deep (Part Two)

      Mal, I know the violence may seem over the top but it's more a Noir short story. IMO, I thought the opening was weak compared to this but meh, I digress. Also, the mystery isn't over. The basis of part two was to get a little back story to Mr. Brock and find out who is after him. There hasn't been any indication as to WHY or even what the job Eddie has for him is. Give it a chance Mal. I'm sure you'll be satisfied with the end product.

      Comment

      • MalReynolds
        CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
        • Sep 2003
        • 6571

        #4
        Re: In Too Deep (Part Two)

        I have no doubt I will be, but the back-story just didn't really make a whole lot of sense. There's no way a cop would, after killing detained suspects, be busted down to a crossing gaurd. And there's such limited backstory (confining it to two lines) that it just actually just removes any credibility, and just turns it into an almost comical blood-bath.
        "A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline."

        "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor


        My new novel:

        Maledictions: The Offering.

        Now in Paperback!

        Comment

        • Chromer
          Hookers and Blow
          • Jul 2003
          • 4981

          #5
          Re: In Too Deep (Part Two)

          Well when I do Part Three, act as if Part Two just tells you he used to be a cop now he's an ex-con (framed of course).

          EDIT: He was supposed to detain the criminals but killed them before they could be taken into custody. They were never detained to begin with, but I see what you're saying.

          Comment

          • FoJaR
            The Worst
            • Nov 2005
            • 2816

            #6
            Re: In Too Deep (Part Two)

            i look around the room. i pick up the glass of water.

            i make a post telling chromer that he doesnt know how to write.

            Comment

            • Chromer
              Hookers and Blow
              • Jul 2003
              • 4981

              #7
              Re: In Too Deep (Part Two)

              I look at Fojar and remember he is a troll. I push the "Eject" button on my keyboard.

              Comment

              • MalReynolds
                CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
                • Sep 2003
                • 6571

                #8
                Re: In Too Deep (Part Two)

                You have a eject button on your keyboard?
                "A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline."

                "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor


                My new novel:

                Maledictions: The Offering.

                Now in Paperback!

                Comment

                • Prince_Myshkin
                  FFR Player
                  • Mar 2006
                  • 5

                  #9
                  Re: In Too Deep (Part Two)

                  Wait you don't have an eject button on your keyboard?

                  Comment

                  • Chromer
                    Hookers and Blow
                    • Jul 2003
                    • 4981

                    #10
                    Re: In Too Deep (Part Two)

                    Mal, you must not know me. The eject button is right next to the "End" button to the left, silly cad. =D

                    Comment

                    • MalReynolds
                      CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
                      • Sep 2003
                      • 6571

                      #11
                      Re: In Too Deep (Part Two)

                      That's my delete key. I don't usually use that, though. I'm a much bigger fan of Backspace.
                      "A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline."

                      "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor


                      My new novel:

                      Maledictions: The Offering.

                      Now in Paperback!

                      Comment

                      • xObserveRx
                        FFR Simfile Author
                        FFR Simfile Author
                        • Aug 2003
                        • 1148

                        #12
                        Re: In Too Deep (Part Two)

                        I prefer the "sendthatbitchpackin' " key. Maybe that's just me though.














                        ... Too late to get in on the joke?
                        Come Play The Werewolf Game!

                        Comment

                        • Chromer
                          Hookers and Blow
                          • Jul 2003
                          • 4981

                          #13
                          Re: In Too Deep (Part Two)

                          Never Dan ^^

                          Also Part 3 is up so gogogogo.

                          Comment

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