(The stage is peculiarly set. It consists of three apartments, one SL, one SR, and one in the middle between SR and SL. The apartments are just the wooden outlines, save for ceilings and side walls; the fourth wall is removed. There are windows in each apartment, but when they are closed, the lights go out inside and you cannot see.
In the SR apartment, there is an expensive looking light, a sofa, a phone, some chairs, and a back door. In the SL apartment there are several chairs and a dining table. In the apartment on top, there is a phone, a sofa, and a television. Each apartment has at least two windows. The SR apartment will be known as “Apartment 1”, “Apartment 2” is next door and “Apartment 3 is above them both.
Hanging outside of Apartment 1 is a scaffolding; on the scaffolding sits a desk, a chair and a typewriter)
(Curtain up. The stage is in blackout, but you hear voices from Apartment 1. They belong to Mike and Matt, two roommates.)
MATT: I put the scaffolding out there so you could write your stupid stories and plays while I shoot the movie in here. Just go out there for a little while I get the scenes I need done in here.
MICHAEL: Matt, I live here too. I’m not going out, five stories up, on a rickety scaffolding that you built so YOU can film something for school. I need to write; I have a very important short story that –
MATT: Oh, whose breaking down the door to get that story?
MICHAEL: It’s still –
MATT: Just go outside. Jerry is going to be here very soon and I need the space LIT when he gets here. I can’t set up the lighting kit if you keep getting in the way.
(The WINDOW in APARTMENT ONE opens, bringing the lights up. MATT is trying to set up a studio light, and MIKE is looking out the window onto the scaffolding)
MICHAEL: You know, this wouldn’t happen if we could have gotten a bigger apartment.
MATT: And we could have gotten a bigger apartment if you had… What is it called? Oh, yeah, a “real job.”
MICHAEL: It’s not like you’re bringing in any income.
MATT: Being a full-time student does not lend itself well to –
MICHAEL: There are plenty of students out there that have jobs. That make money.
MATT: And there are plenty of high-school graduates out there that don’t act like trust-fund babies and have jobs flipping burgers. Don’t act like you’re so above it; you decided not to go to college, so don’t blame the limited job field on me.
(MICHAEL moves away from the window, back into the room. He looks at the sofa, looks back at the window, at the scaffolding)
MICHAEL: It’s cold outside.
MATT: Wear a jacket.
MICHAEL: It’s also windy. I’m going to get knocked to my death out there.
MATT: Wear a parachute.
MICHAEL: Let’s be practical.
MATT: Alright, fine. It’s cold and windy and you’re afraid you’re going to fall? The only answer is parachute pants.
(MICHAEL sighs and moves towards the window, gripping the sill and pushing himself outside. He stands on the scaffolding, looking back inside the apartment as MATT finishes setting up the light)
MICHAEL: This is just really, really impractical.
MATT: Yes, well, you insist on writing.
MICHAEL: This is true.
(There’s a knock on the door. MATT goes to answer it, and opens the door, revealing a tall man who steps inside. This is JERRY. He steps into the apartment, looking around)
JERRY: Wow. We’re shooting in here? Kind of cramped, isn’t it?
MICHAEL: Well, we plan on adding onto the place. Out the window.
JERRY: My ex-wife did that once. Hope it works out.
(MATT walks over to the window, looking up at MICHAEL, who is fiddling with the chair)
MATT: I’m going to shut the window. Uh… If you need to get back inside, knock. But not if the camera is rolling. Just try and have fun out there.
MICHAEL: (Nervous as hell) I’m having a ball already.
(MATT is about to shut the window)
MICHAEL: WAIT!
MATT: What?
MICHAEL: Next time you decide to do the scaffolding thing… Put railings on it.
MATT: Quit being such a whiny little baby, man.
(The window slams and the light in the apartment goes out. MICHAEL is left sitting at his desk, looking over the audience. He nervously grabs a sheet of paper, feeding it through the typewriter.)
MICHAEL: (Typing) It was an odd day out on the scaffolding. The pigeons… (He looks around for pigeons) were nowhere to be found, scared off by the presence of a human. Little did they know that… (He looks around again) they… could fly.
(He grabs the paper, rolls it up, and tosses it over the scaffolding. He realizes what he did and leans over)
MICHAEL: I’m sorry! This has to be the worst idea…
(He slumps back in his chair, before toying with the keys. Eventually, he just hits them and the window next opens. The lights go up in Apartment 2 and the woman leans out, looking over at the scaffolding. MICHAEL does not notice the woman. She is SHARON. She watches as MICHAEL randomly hits keys on the typewriter.)
SHARON: You know, usually that works better if there is paper in there.
MICHAEL: (Jumps, almost knocking his type-writer onto the street below) GOD! You scared me!
SHARON: I would have knocked but you know… I just thought I could let myself in.
MICHAEL: I never would have really been able to figure out the ettiqute for this.
SHARON: Nor I. May I ask what you’re doing out on… what looks like a very deadly platform?
MICHAEL: Well, it’s surprisingly sturdy. I haven’t fallen yet.
SHARON: And how long have you been out there?
MICHAEL: About ten minutes.
SHARON: Oh, incredibly sturdy.
MICHAEL: My roommate wanted to film something for his school, but couldn’t “work his creative genius with the incessant tap-tap of my type-writer at all hours of the day. It would ruin the shoot.”
SHARON: Ah, I see. What kind of movie is he making?
MICHAEL: I have no clue what the storyline is. It’s independent, not like… A feature or anything. It’s just him and the actor right now.
SHARON: That’s got to be uncomfortable.
MICHAEL: I’d say. The guy looks like he’s been around the block, though, so he should know what he’s doing. It’s my roommates first outing, so… He might be a little worse for the wear.
SHARON: Well, it’s good that you have someone in there that knows what he’s doing. So, is it just a one camera setup?
MICHAEL: I think so.
SHARON: That’s cool. Next time, he should get a camera man, though. It’d help with the quality.
MICHAEL: He’s working the camera…
SHARON: Oh? It’s just one guy? That’s not very exciting, is it?
(A groan is heard from inside APARTMENT 1)
MICHAEL: Well, you shouldn’t need more than one person to film a movie about a Frankenstein monster.
SHARON: A Frankenstein monster? It’s not –
MICHAEL: Not what?
SHARON: You know…
MICHAEL: Are you implying that my roommate would shoot… That inside my apartment? ON MY SOFA?!
SHARON: I just thought –
MICHAEL: No, no, he’s going to film school. It’s for one of his projects.
SHARON: Oh.
MICHAEL: Yeah.
(There’s a pause as SHARON walks away from the window and moves around her apartment, looking for something. MICHAEL slides another sheet of paper into the typewriter and begins typing/reading again)
MICHAEL: It was a chilly, windy day in the city when John decided to… (Looks around for inspiration) write a story. Dammit, this just isn’t working!
(SHARON reappears in the window, holding a camera)
MICHAEL: What are you doing?
SHARON: I’m going to take your picture, of course.
MICHAEL: What? Why?
SHARON: Because you’re out on a scaffolding. It’s entertainment.
(The CAMERA clicks.)
SHARON: I’m Sharon, by the way.
MICHAEL: I’m Michael. I’d shake your hand, but I’m nervous about falling to my death.
SHARON: Understandable. How long have you lived next door?
MICHAEL: About eight months. What about you?
SHARON: Well, I’ve lived next door to your apartment for three years. But I’ve lived next door to you for eight months.
MICHAEL: I see. It’s funny, we’ve never run into each other in the hallway.
SHARON: Well, I work and I’m in the city a fair amount.
MICHAEL: That’s funny, I’m unemployed and don’t like leaving the building.
SHARON: Except out on a ledge, apparantley.
MICHAEL: I was insistent on writing, he was insistent on filming. There could have been a better impasse, but we’re both stubborn.
SHARON: Yeah. I hear you guys fighting sometimes.
MICHAEL: Really?
SHARON: Oh yeah. You guys have the worst fights.
MICHAEL: I didn’t realize we were so loud. What do we fight about?
SHARON: Pasta, usually.
(Another GRUNT from inside Apartment 1)
MICHAEL: He’s very passionate about his pasta. I never really fight with him about it. He usually just fights with the pasta.
SHARON: That’s very interesting.
MICHAEL: Is it?
SHARON: No. (She walks back inside her apartment, and closes the window. The lights go out in APARTMENT 2)
MICHAEL: Well… Tough critic.
(MICHAEL sits for a second before the window behind him opens, and the lights go up. The camera is on a tri-pod, and MATT is standing in the background, impatiently, as JERRY in full FRANKENSTEIN makeup sits on the sofa with a bowl of cereal. SHARON has opened the window, and hands MICHAEL a folding chair. He sits it on the other side of the scaffolding, and SHARON climbs out)
SHARON: This is much better than leaning out a window, I think.
(MATT walks forward, and slams the window shut. The lights go out in APARTMENT 1)
MICHAEL: You’re not scared? I was afraid this thing might collapse.
SHARON: But you still let me out here? How very, very rude!
MICHAEL: If I told you to stay inside, would you have?
SHARON: No.
MICHAEL: Exactly.
(The window behind them opens a crack and the lights come up. FRANKENSTEIN is just sitting on the sofa eating more cereal as MATT stands behind the camera, filming.)
SHARON: I find the scaffolding to be terribly romantic.
MICHAEL: I beg your pardon?
SHARON: Not in the lovey-dovey sense. In the traditional sense of the word.
MICHAEL: Like… Gothic architecture?
SHARON: And the Vatican. They have scaffolding everywhere in the Vatican, so I naturally associate scaffolding with the romantic age.
MICHAEL: Well, that’s an interesting way to look at it.
SHARON: And very boring. I feel as if I’ve bored you.
(FRANKENSTEIN stands, and moves over, using jerky movements. MATT follows him with the camera as he picks up the phone and pantomimes a FRANKENSTEIN conversation over the phone)
MICHAEL: It’s not boring, it’s just interesting.
SHARON: If the History channel has taught me anything, it’s that something can be both at the same time. But I find that whole history of life way back in the day of dragons and knights to be fantastic.
MICHAEL: You know, historically, dragons didn’t really ever exist.
SHARON: The image I’ve always held in my head is that the knight would ride into battle and win for the heart of his lady fair.
MICHAEL: Ride into battle wearing her color and whatnot?
SHARON: Oh, so you know?
MICHAEL: You’re not the only one who finds the history channel borteresting.
SHARON: But normally they would give a hankercheif. That’s just so very gross, if you really think about it.
MICHAEL: But what else would they give?
(FRANKENSTEIN continues to move back and forth and MATT makes hand motions. The window to APARTMENT 3 opens, revealing a woman wearing all black. She leans out the window, looking down)
SHARON: A scarf.
MICHAEL: Or their entire dress.
SHARON: That would be cumbersome, I think, to carry an entire dress into battle.
MICHAEL: Not carry, but wear. That would completely take the enemy aback. And it would be a nice sign of devotion.
SHARON: That’s very silly, I hope you know.
MICHAEL: Silly, but romantic in every sense of the word.
(The WOMAN in APARTMENT 3 begins to guffaw loudly. She is ANN. As she stands, it becomes apparent that she’s pregnant.)
MICHAEL: What’s so funny?
ANN: That has to be the most sappy, romantic setup I’ve ever heard.
SHARON: What are you talking about?
ANN: Come on. Talking about romaticsm on a scaffolding overlooking a city? How do you think I ended up this way?
MICHAEL: It would appear my nefarious scaffolding-sex-scam has been found out in three sentences by a surly pregnant woman. Congratulations!
ANN: Oh, please.
SHARON: I’m Sharon. It’s… nice to meet you.
ANN: I’m Ann, but I’m also not really interested in anything you have to say.
(ANN moves back inside her apartment. SHARON and MICHAEL sit on the scaffolding, staring up in disbelief. ANN grabs a chair and moves next to the window, listening intently)
MICHAEL: Honestly, some people have a lot of nerve.
SHARON: I’ve heard about her.
MICHAEL: Oh?
ANN: (To herself) Oh?
SHARON: Yeah. She’s a real bitter old pill. She stays cooped up in her apartment all the time and never really comes out. Her sister wrote some kind of cell-phone ringtone and made a ton of money off of it before she died, and left it all to Ann. That’s just what the word in the laundry room is. You know, you can’t take anything they say too seriously.
MICHAEL: I wonder how she ended up pregnant?
SHARON: Well, someone probably slept with her.
MICHAEL: Not that, I want to know where the father is.
SHARON: That does explain why she’s so bitter, doesn’t it?
MICHAEL: Somewhat.
(ANN stands, thinking back. MICHAEL and SHARON sit in silence until JERRY drops a bowl, breaking the silence. ANN is crying, and she slams her window. MICHAEL and SHARON look up.)
MICHAEL: Do you think she heard us?
SHARON: No, she just likes slamming windows.
(The window to Apartment 1 opens fully)
MATT: Well, Jerry “Pan-cake Monkey Hands” broke the only bowl I set aside for filming today, so you guys can come in now.
JERRY: Dude, I said I was sorry.
MICHAEL: Which bowl was it?
MATT: The one with the picture of the earth painted on it. Looks like a kid did it.
MICHAEL: That’s because I did it in fifth grade.
MATT: Oh…
JERRY: Did you go to a special school?
(SHARON puts her arm around MICHAEL and kisses him on the cheek.)
SHARON: Come on. Let’s just go inside.
MICHAEL: (Smiles) Well, I guess this means I would wear your dress into battle.
SHARON: Cute.
(MICHAEL helps SHARON into the apartment and shoves MATT. MATT shrugs it off and moves over to the window, closing it and blacking out.)
In the SR apartment, there is an expensive looking light, a sofa, a phone, some chairs, and a back door. In the SL apartment there are several chairs and a dining table. In the apartment on top, there is a phone, a sofa, and a television. Each apartment has at least two windows. The SR apartment will be known as “Apartment 1”, “Apartment 2” is next door and “Apartment 3 is above them both.
Hanging outside of Apartment 1 is a scaffolding; on the scaffolding sits a desk, a chair and a typewriter)
ACT 1; Scene 1
(Curtain up. The stage is in blackout, but you hear voices from Apartment 1. They belong to Mike and Matt, two roommates.)
MATT: I put the scaffolding out there so you could write your stupid stories and plays while I shoot the movie in here. Just go out there for a little while I get the scenes I need done in here.
MICHAEL: Matt, I live here too. I’m not going out, five stories up, on a rickety scaffolding that you built so YOU can film something for school. I need to write; I have a very important short story that –
MATT: Oh, whose breaking down the door to get that story?
MICHAEL: It’s still –
MATT: Just go outside. Jerry is going to be here very soon and I need the space LIT when he gets here. I can’t set up the lighting kit if you keep getting in the way.
(The WINDOW in APARTMENT ONE opens, bringing the lights up. MATT is trying to set up a studio light, and MIKE is looking out the window onto the scaffolding)
MICHAEL: You know, this wouldn’t happen if we could have gotten a bigger apartment.
MATT: And we could have gotten a bigger apartment if you had… What is it called? Oh, yeah, a “real job.”
MICHAEL: It’s not like you’re bringing in any income.
MATT: Being a full-time student does not lend itself well to –
MICHAEL: There are plenty of students out there that have jobs. That make money.
MATT: And there are plenty of high-school graduates out there that don’t act like trust-fund babies and have jobs flipping burgers. Don’t act like you’re so above it; you decided not to go to college, so don’t blame the limited job field on me.
(MICHAEL moves away from the window, back into the room. He looks at the sofa, looks back at the window, at the scaffolding)
MICHAEL: It’s cold outside.
MATT: Wear a jacket.
MICHAEL: It’s also windy. I’m going to get knocked to my death out there.
MATT: Wear a parachute.
MICHAEL: Let’s be practical.
MATT: Alright, fine. It’s cold and windy and you’re afraid you’re going to fall? The only answer is parachute pants.
(MICHAEL sighs and moves towards the window, gripping the sill and pushing himself outside. He stands on the scaffolding, looking back inside the apartment as MATT finishes setting up the light)
MICHAEL: This is just really, really impractical.
MATT: Yes, well, you insist on writing.
MICHAEL: This is true.
(There’s a knock on the door. MATT goes to answer it, and opens the door, revealing a tall man who steps inside. This is JERRY. He steps into the apartment, looking around)
JERRY: Wow. We’re shooting in here? Kind of cramped, isn’t it?
MICHAEL: Well, we plan on adding onto the place. Out the window.
JERRY: My ex-wife did that once. Hope it works out.
(MATT walks over to the window, looking up at MICHAEL, who is fiddling with the chair)
MATT: I’m going to shut the window. Uh… If you need to get back inside, knock. But not if the camera is rolling. Just try and have fun out there.
MICHAEL: (Nervous as hell) I’m having a ball already.
(MATT is about to shut the window)
MICHAEL: WAIT!
MATT: What?
MICHAEL: Next time you decide to do the scaffolding thing… Put railings on it.
MATT: Quit being such a whiny little baby, man.
(The window slams and the light in the apartment goes out. MICHAEL is left sitting at his desk, looking over the audience. He nervously grabs a sheet of paper, feeding it through the typewriter.)
MICHAEL: (Typing) It was an odd day out on the scaffolding. The pigeons… (He looks around for pigeons) were nowhere to be found, scared off by the presence of a human. Little did they know that… (He looks around again) they… could fly.
(He grabs the paper, rolls it up, and tosses it over the scaffolding. He realizes what he did and leans over)
MICHAEL: I’m sorry! This has to be the worst idea…
(He slumps back in his chair, before toying with the keys. Eventually, he just hits them and the window next opens. The lights go up in Apartment 2 and the woman leans out, looking over at the scaffolding. MICHAEL does not notice the woman. She is SHARON. She watches as MICHAEL randomly hits keys on the typewriter.)
SHARON: You know, usually that works better if there is paper in there.
MICHAEL: (Jumps, almost knocking his type-writer onto the street below) GOD! You scared me!
SHARON: I would have knocked but you know… I just thought I could let myself in.
MICHAEL: I never would have really been able to figure out the ettiqute for this.
SHARON: Nor I. May I ask what you’re doing out on… what looks like a very deadly platform?
MICHAEL: Well, it’s surprisingly sturdy. I haven’t fallen yet.
SHARON: And how long have you been out there?
MICHAEL: About ten minutes.
SHARON: Oh, incredibly sturdy.
MICHAEL: My roommate wanted to film something for his school, but couldn’t “work his creative genius with the incessant tap-tap of my type-writer at all hours of the day. It would ruin the shoot.”
SHARON: Ah, I see. What kind of movie is he making?
MICHAEL: I have no clue what the storyline is. It’s independent, not like… A feature or anything. It’s just him and the actor right now.
SHARON: That’s got to be uncomfortable.
MICHAEL: I’d say. The guy looks like he’s been around the block, though, so he should know what he’s doing. It’s my roommates first outing, so… He might be a little worse for the wear.
SHARON: Well, it’s good that you have someone in there that knows what he’s doing. So, is it just a one camera setup?
MICHAEL: I think so.
SHARON: That’s cool. Next time, he should get a camera man, though. It’d help with the quality.
MICHAEL: He’s working the camera…
SHARON: Oh? It’s just one guy? That’s not very exciting, is it?
(A groan is heard from inside APARTMENT 1)
MICHAEL: Well, you shouldn’t need more than one person to film a movie about a Frankenstein monster.
SHARON: A Frankenstein monster? It’s not –
MICHAEL: Not what?
SHARON: You know…
MICHAEL: Are you implying that my roommate would shoot… That inside my apartment? ON MY SOFA?!
SHARON: I just thought –
MICHAEL: No, no, he’s going to film school. It’s for one of his projects.
SHARON: Oh.
MICHAEL: Yeah.
(There’s a pause as SHARON walks away from the window and moves around her apartment, looking for something. MICHAEL slides another sheet of paper into the typewriter and begins typing/reading again)
MICHAEL: It was a chilly, windy day in the city when John decided to… (Looks around for inspiration) write a story. Dammit, this just isn’t working!
(SHARON reappears in the window, holding a camera)
MICHAEL: What are you doing?
SHARON: I’m going to take your picture, of course.
MICHAEL: What? Why?
SHARON: Because you’re out on a scaffolding. It’s entertainment.
(The CAMERA clicks.)
SHARON: I’m Sharon, by the way.
MICHAEL: I’m Michael. I’d shake your hand, but I’m nervous about falling to my death.
SHARON: Understandable. How long have you lived next door?
MICHAEL: About eight months. What about you?
SHARON: Well, I’ve lived next door to your apartment for three years. But I’ve lived next door to you for eight months.
MICHAEL: I see. It’s funny, we’ve never run into each other in the hallway.
SHARON: Well, I work and I’m in the city a fair amount.
MICHAEL: That’s funny, I’m unemployed and don’t like leaving the building.
SHARON: Except out on a ledge, apparantley.
MICHAEL: I was insistent on writing, he was insistent on filming. There could have been a better impasse, but we’re both stubborn.
SHARON: Yeah. I hear you guys fighting sometimes.
MICHAEL: Really?
SHARON: Oh yeah. You guys have the worst fights.
MICHAEL: I didn’t realize we were so loud. What do we fight about?
SHARON: Pasta, usually.
(Another GRUNT from inside Apartment 1)
MICHAEL: He’s very passionate about his pasta. I never really fight with him about it. He usually just fights with the pasta.
SHARON: That’s very interesting.
MICHAEL: Is it?
SHARON: No. (She walks back inside her apartment, and closes the window. The lights go out in APARTMENT 2)
MICHAEL: Well… Tough critic.
(MICHAEL sits for a second before the window behind him opens, and the lights go up. The camera is on a tri-pod, and MATT is standing in the background, impatiently, as JERRY in full FRANKENSTEIN makeup sits on the sofa with a bowl of cereal. SHARON has opened the window, and hands MICHAEL a folding chair. He sits it on the other side of the scaffolding, and SHARON climbs out)
SHARON: This is much better than leaning out a window, I think.
(MATT walks forward, and slams the window shut. The lights go out in APARTMENT 1)
MICHAEL: You’re not scared? I was afraid this thing might collapse.
SHARON: But you still let me out here? How very, very rude!
MICHAEL: If I told you to stay inside, would you have?
SHARON: No.
MICHAEL: Exactly.
(The window behind them opens a crack and the lights come up. FRANKENSTEIN is just sitting on the sofa eating more cereal as MATT stands behind the camera, filming.)
SHARON: I find the scaffolding to be terribly romantic.
MICHAEL: I beg your pardon?
SHARON: Not in the lovey-dovey sense. In the traditional sense of the word.
MICHAEL: Like… Gothic architecture?
SHARON: And the Vatican. They have scaffolding everywhere in the Vatican, so I naturally associate scaffolding with the romantic age.
MICHAEL: Well, that’s an interesting way to look at it.
SHARON: And very boring. I feel as if I’ve bored you.
(FRANKENSTEIN stands, and moves over, using jerky movements. MATT follows him with the camera as he picks up the phone and pantomimes a FRANKENSTEIN conversation over the phone)
MICHAEL: It’s not boring, it’s just interesting.
SHARON: If the History channel has taught me anything, it’s that something can be both at the same time. But I find that whole history of life way back in the day of dragons and knights to be fantastic.
MICHAEL: You know, historically, dragons didn’t really ever exist.
SHARON: The image I’ve always held in my head is that the knight would ride into battle and win for the heart of his lady fair.
MICHAEL: Ride into battle wearing her color and whatnot?
SHARON: Oh, so you know?
MICHAEL: You’re not the only one who finds the history channel borteresting.
SHARON: But normally they would give a hankercheif. That’s just so very gross, if you really think about it.
MICHAEL: But what else would they give?
(FRANKENSTEIN continues to move back and forth and MATT makes hand motions. The window to APARTMENT 3 opens, revealing a woman wearing all black. She leans out the window, looking down)
SHARON: A scarf.
MICHAEL: Or their entire dress.
SHARON: That would be cumbersome, I think, to carry an entire dress into battle.
MICHAEL: Not carry, but wear. That would completely take the enemy aback. And it would be a nice sign of devotion.
SHARON: That’s very silly, I hope you know.
MICHAEL: Silly, but romantic in every sense of the word.
(The WOMAN in APARTMENT 3 begins to guffaw loudly. She is ANN. As she stands, it becomes apparent that she’s pregnant.)
MICHAEL: What’s so funny?
ANN: That has to be the most sappy, romantic setup I’ve ever heard.
SHARON: What are you talking about?
ANN: Come on. Talking about romaticsm on a scaffolding overlooking a city? How do you think I ended up this way?
MICHAEL: It would appear my nefarious scaffolding-sex-scam has been found out in three sentences by a surly pregnant woman. Congratulations!
ANN: Oh, please.
SHARON: I’m Sharon. It’s… nice to meet you.
ANN: I’m Ann, but I’m also not really interested in anything you have to say.
(ANN moves back inside her apartment. SHARON and MICHAEL sit on the scaffolding, staring up in disbelief. ANN grabs a chair and moves next to the window, listening intently)
MICHAEL: Honestly, some people have a lot of nerve.
SHARON: I’ve heard about her.
MICHAEL: Oh?
ANN: (To herself) Oh?
SHARON: Yeah. She’s a real bitter old pill. She stays cooped up in her apartment all the time and never really comes out. Her sister wrote some kind of cell-phone ringtone and made a ton of money off of it before she died, and left it all to Ann. That’s just what the word in the laundry room is. You know, you can’t take anything they say too seriously.
MICHAEL: I wonder how she ended up pregnant?
SHARON: Well, someone probably slept with her.
MICHAEL: Not that, I want to know where the father is.
SHARON: That does explain why she’s so bitter, doesn’t it?
MICHAEL: Somewhat.
(ANN stands, thinking back. MICHAEL and SHARON sit in silence until JERRY drops a bowl, breaking the silence. ANN is crying, and she slams her window. MICHAEL and SHARON look up.)
MICHAEL: Do you think she heard us?
SHARON: No, she just likes slamming windows.
(The window to Apartment 1 opens fully)
MATT: Well, Jerry “Pan-cake Monkey Hands” broke the only bowl I set aside for filming today, so you guys can come in now.
JERRY: Dude, I said I was sorry.
MICHAEL: Which bowl was it?
MATT: The one with the picture of the earth painted on it. Looks like a kid did it.
MICHAEL: That’s because I did it in fifth grade.
MATT: Oh…
JERRY: Did you go to a special school?
(SHARON puts her arm around MICHAEL and kisses him on the cheek.)
SHARON: Come on. Let’s just go inside.
MICHAEL: (Smiles) Well, I guess this means I would wear your dress into battle.
SHARON: Cute.
(MICHAEL helps SHARON into the apartment and shoves MATT. MATT shrugs it off and moves over to the window, closing it and blacking out.)
END SCENE 1
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