Rehearsal: Part 1 (A comic murder mystery)

Re: Rehearsal: Part 1 (A comic murder mystery)

Lol. This is like a play within a play. I like how John's script parallels his feelings in real life. Funny stuff. I couldn't get Will Farrel out of my mind when I saw that one of the characters was names Hans.

This would make a great play. As for who did it, I don't think it was John or Angelina. It seems they were busy during the break, considering he's got lipstick on his collar.

What do 'C', 'SR', 'SL' and 'beat' mean? Theater terms, right?

Re: Rehearsal: Part 1 (A comic murder mystery)

C is Center Stage, SR is Stage Right, SL is Stage Left, and beat is a pause, a small measure of time where there is silence, and everyone is still.

And here is the rest of act I:

(She lifts the sofa cushions, looks behind the sofa)

CHANCE: Anyone?

(She fluffs the seats on the sofa carefully, and sits down, looking around nervously.)

CHANCE: Did everyone leave?

(She stands and walks towards the door, when HANS enters again, holding a knife in his hand)

CHANCE: Hans, what are you doing with that knife?

HANS: Holding it?

(The rest of the group enters behind HANS. They’re all equally freaked out that he has a knife)

JOHN: Hans, why do you have that knife?

HANS: Oh, I took it out of Avery.

JOHN: Why would you do that?!

HANS: Uh, because it’s my knife and I wanted it back?

CHANCE: HANS! Did you kill Avery?

HANS: No?

JOHN: This isn’t looking to good for you, Hans… You went into the crime scene, tampered with evidence, and then just told us all you own the knife… What’s going on up there, pal?

HANS: Look, I didn’t kill him, alright? I have no motive!

JOHN: He had a bigger part than you, he was younger than you, it’s his first show here and he already has out-done you when it comes to getting a part…

HANS: So? That really doesn’t prove anything. How does that prove anything?

ANGELINA: Well, the day you saw the cast list you did say, “I’m going to kill that son-of-a-bitch.”

HANS: That’s a figure of speech. I say that all the time. Honest! The other day, I was trying to open a can of tomatoes, and when I couldn’t, I said, “I’m going to kill that son-of-a-bitch.”

ANGELINA: That’s true, he did say that.

HANS: I say it all the time. Truth be told, I was proud of him. And, you know, I’m a little tired of always being in your little shows, John.

JOHN: Woah, woah, wait… “Little shows?”

HANS: Yeah. We never pull in more then sixty people, and this theater seats at least five hundred.

JOHN: That’s just the people, that’s not me.

HANS: Yeah, well, the retirement community’s revival of “Grease” was sold out every night, and Danny Zuko had a voice box. That really says something about the quality of shows around here, don’t you think?

JOHN: Well, it might have to do with my lead actors. If you didn’t want to do this so bad, no one asked you to.

HANS: Actually, you did. You called me, remember? And besides, Angelina get’s so excited about these things –

ANGELINA: Excuse me? I get excited about these things? You were the one going on and on about how it would be exciting to get the lead in this because it would let you, “Stretch your legs.”

HANS: Alright! Fine! Just get off my back; I didn’t kill Avery. If someone else wants to hold the knife -

EVERYONE: (Recoiling) NO!

HANS: Do you want me to put it back in his head?

JOHN: No, no… It’s fine. Just leave it alone. Put it on the table.

(HANS places the knife on the table)

HANS: I can’t believe you would think I was going to kill him just because I said, “I’m going to kill that son-of-a-bitch.”

CATHERINE: It is a rather extreme figure of speech, don’t you think?

HANS: Yeah, but it’s just that – A figure of speech.

(JOHN crosses and has a seat in the rocking chair. CHANCE scoots over to make room for CATHERINE and HANS on the sofa, while ANGELINA walks over, and sits on the love-seat)

JOHN: I really think we should all just try and get some sleep.

CATHERINE: Like hell I’m going to do that if there’s a killer in here –

CHANCE: And there is… But, I think I know who it is.

JOHN: Who? Here, talk to me away from everyone else.

CHANCE: No. I have no idea who might be in on it, so I’ll just keep my theories to myself and tell the police when they show up. I think that would just be best for everyone.

JOHN: If you really think so.

CHANCE: I do.

(Everyone watches CHANCE to see if she moves away from anyone. She doesn’t. She sits perfectly still.)

CHANCE: Well… G’night. (She leans her head back and falls asleep.)

JOHN: Damn. Well, someone should stay up and keep a watch over her, in case the killer decides she needs to keep her mouth shut.

HANS: But what if it’s the killer that’s chosen to watch over her?

JOHN: True, true… So, should we all just… Stay up?

ANGELINA: Or, we could move her off of the sofa, onto the loveseat, and we could all… try and sleep on the sofa. That way, if someone moves, we would feel it, right?

JOHN: Well, who would go on the bottom?

ANGELINA, HANS, CATHERINE: NOT IT!

JOHN: Alright, that’s the democratic way, I suppose… Someone wake Chance up?

(HANS moves over to CHANCE and shakes her lightly)

HANS: She’s not moving… She’s dead!

JOHN: Is she really?

HANS: No, just kidding. Chance, get up.

(CHANCE rises to her feet, nods, and promptly falls over the back of the sofa, dead.)

HANS: Okay, now I think she’s dead.

(HANS nudges her body a few times with his foot, before CATHERINE stands up)

CATHERINE: Hans, stop kicking her!

HANS: I’m not kicking her. I’m nudging her with my foot.

JOHN: Why don’t you do something like, I don’t know, check her pulse. Whatever you do, stop kicking her!

(HANS walks around to the back of the sofa, frantically raising her arm, her leg, her other arm into the line of sight, before he comes back around)

HANS: Yeah, I have no idea how to check a pulse.

JOHN: Does anyone know how to check a pulse?

(No one moves for a bit)

CATHERINE: Well, Chase was telling me the other week that she was CPR certified and –

JOHN: Oh, well, why don’t we just ask her dead body then?

CATHERINE: Well don’t yell at me! I didn’t make her dead!

ANGELINA: I don’t get it. She seemed fine a second ago… What happened?

HANS: There is this disease, where… If you catch it, you sleep a little, then wake up, then fall over, and die.

JOHN: Really?

HANS: No, I’m just messing with you.

(JOHN, who has been growing irritated throughout the night, moves towards HANS. CATHERINE stops him, holding him back)

CATHERINE: Come on, John. What are you going to do, hit him? What would that do? Would that bring any of the actors back?

JOHN: No, but it sure as hell would make me feel better.

HANS: You’re the one that won’t let us leave –

JOHN: Because I don’t want the killer to escape! You and your pretty wifey seem to be the only people really concerned with getting out of here, which is AWFULLY suspicious!

ANGELINA: Hey! What’s that supposed to – You think I’m pretty?

CATHERINE: You think she’s pretty?

JOHN: That’s beside the point. They’re the only people concerned with leaving, Hans is the person with the weapon we know killed Avery, and we’re still not sure what happened to Chance!

CATHERINE: Well, she could have been poisoned, couldn’t she?

HANS: Yeah, but who walks around here with a bottle of poison?

CATHERINE: Well, John has heart medication.

JOHN: Yes, that’s the help me live, not help other people die… Hell, the stuff I use isn’t strong enough to kill a mouse. You’d have to eat half your body weight in the pills I carry around to even feel drowsy.

ANGELINA: I have to pee.

JOHN: Again? You just went!

ANGELINA: I had to go a lot when I was pregnant, and I had the nagging urge when a cop was writing me a ticket the other day… I think I just have to go during stressful situations.

CATHERINE: Oh, and what’s so stressful about this? You have something to hide, Angelina?

ANGELINA: What’s so stressful about this, Catherine, is that I’m being held in a theater as if it’s a prison, or a courthouse or a nunnery or something, with two dead bodies that I had no hand in creating, and I really don’t want to be here because LOST comes on tonight, and if I have to stay much longer, I’ll sleep through it!

JOHN: Is it a new episode?

ANGELINA: Yes.

HANS: I’ll take her to the bathroom, if you want.

JOHN: No, no… Angelina, you’re going to have to hold it for a while until I figure out what we’re going to do.

CATHERINE: Why don’t you let her go to the bathroom in the meantime?

ANGELINA: Well, I’m going anyway –

JOHN: I have it! Angelina, you can go to the bathroom, but you have to go BY YOURSELF! That way, I can keep an eye on all the suspects. Ha ha, John, you are a genius.

ANGELINA: … Thank you?

(ANGELINA gets up, and exits SR)

HANS: I didn’t want to say anything when Angelina was here, but she’s on medication. It has a warning on the bottle about taking more than a certain amount… Two pills. The stuff is really heavy. It’s a muscle relaxant she got from her doctor to help with her stress.

JOHN: High stress… If she was medicated, she wouldn’t need to be using the rest room nearly as much!

HANS: That’s what I thought. Could she have slipped Chance some of her pills?

JOHN: I’m not sure. I think we’re going to need to ask her about it.
HANS: Right.

(They sit and look at each other for a second, before coming to the realization at the same time)

JOHN, HANS: Her purse!

(They race off stage, leaving Catherine behind. She begins to walk to their exit, when they rush back on, ANGELINA in tow)

JOHN: I need to see the pills, Angelina.

HANS: We need to see the pills.

CATHERINE: Did you poison Chance?

JOHN: Are my eyes deep brown, or was that a lie too?

HANS: Where are the pills, Angelina?

ANGELINA: Shut up, shut up! They’re in my purse!

JOHN: When we were accusing me, why didn’t you bring up the fact that you were medicated with something potentially lethal?

ANGELINA: Because I didn’t want everyone to think I was in on this! The truth is, I was running low on the pills all this week, and then yesterday, I opened my bottle and there were none left. I didn’t poison her because I didn’t have the pills to do it. That’s why I’m so stressed, John, because certain people aren’t trusting me, and I don’t even have anything to relax myself!

HANS: Does anyone have the time?

(JOHN checks his watch.)

JOHN: It’s almost two.

HANS: When does the morning crew come in, exactly?

JOHN: It’s a Wednesday, so… Eight?

CATHERINE: Another six hours? At the rate people are dying, there’s not going to be anything left in the morning for the cleaning crew to find… Well, except all of our bodies.

JOHN: That’s not true; as long as no one, and I mean NO ONE lets their guard down, we should all make it out of here, alive, well and in police custody.

ANGELINA: Do you think they’ll use handcuffs? I hate handcuffs.

JOHN, HANS: I know.

JOHN: I mean, probably. We’re all suspects.

CATHERINE: Except Avery and Chance.

JOHN: Except Avery and Chance.

HANS: Did it seem odd to anyone else, the way they acted?

JOHN: How do you mean?

HANS: Well… It didn’t really look like they got along very well. Like, they were always in the middle of a falling out of sorts, I suppose. When I saw them tonight, before rehearsal, Avery just looked very, very forlorn, and Chance looked like she didn’t want anything to do with him…

ANGELINA: I noticed it too, but I didn’t want to say anything. You know how the saying goes, “Never chase off the talent with accusations of marital problems.”

HANS: That’s not a saying…

ANGELINA: If “I’m going to kill you, you son of a bitch” is an adequate phrase, then mine is perfectly fine.

JOHN: You think she may have killed Avery?

CATHERINE: Well… She did want to wait to talk to the police. Maybe that was her way of dealing with the guilt.

HANS: That still doesn’t explain how she ended up dead.

JOHN: Maybe she had some pills of her own?

HANS: Are you saying she –

JOHN: I’m not saying anything, I’m just saying not to rule anything out.

ANGELINA: Should we try and find her purse?

HANS: It’s right on the sofa.

ANGELINA: Well… Should we go through it?

CATHERINE: I think we need to take a vote on this. I don’t think it’s right to be going through the purse of one our friends, who just collapsed dead after her husband was murdered.

JOHN: Alright, that’s fair enough. I vote for going through her purse.
ANGELINA: I second that vote.

HANS: I’m going to vote against it. Catherine makes for a very strong… argument. Shouldn’t we leave this for the police?

JOHN: You’ve already mucked up the crime scene, Hans.

CATHERINE: Well, it’s a tie vote. It looks like we’re not going through it.

(JOHN picks up the purse very slowly and very calmly, before placing it on the center table. The group stares at it before JOHN lunges, snaps it open, but the purse is grabbed out of his hands by CATHERINE)

CATHERINE: You need to respect the vote, John!

JOHN: Maybe you need to respect my judgment a little more!

ANGELINA: She’s right, John… You’re just being headstrong. You don’t need to go through the purse.

HANS: The police will be here in a few hours and everything will be all sorted out.

JOHN: But –

CATHERINE: I’m putting it in the prop-closet. And we’re not going to say another word about it.

(CATHERINE exits SR)

JOHN: I bet we’ll find some kind of vital clue in the purse.

HANS: Like what?

JOHN: Something to incriminate Chance, or something to prove she didn’t kill her husband, or maybe some proof that she was murdered. This entire thing stinks to hell, you know?

ANGELINA: I know what you mean.

(CATHERINE enters, once again, and sits down behind the table, knocking ANGELINA’S purse over. A bottle of pills rattles out, and falls to the floor.)

ANGELINA: Oh! I got the prescription filled yesterday! At last, I can stop these frequent, sudden urges!

(All eyes are on her as she opens the bottle and pops a pill. She sits back down, and looks at everyone)

ANGELINA: This doesn’t make me seem any less guilty, does it.

JOHN: It’s not really helping at all.

HANS: I can’t believe this…

ANGELINA: NO! NO! I didn’t poison her, I didn’t even know I had the pills until the purse was knocked over!

JOHN: I just think that maybe we need to detain you for a little while… At least, until the police get here. You can explain your side of the story to them… Right now, you’re just not convincing this jury.

ANGELINA: John, please…

JOHN: I’m sorry. Hans, help me take her to the prop closet. We’re going to have to lock you up.

ANGELINA: Please, don’t…

(HANS and JOHN take her by the arms offstage, all the while, her cries are heard. CATHERINE takes a seat, and as the Prop Closet doors slam, the lights go down)

END ACT 1

Re: Rehearsal: Part 1 (A comic murder mystery)

ACT II (Conclusion)

ACT II

(Lights up, as screams are heard from the closet. HANS, CATHERINE, and JOHN are all sitting on stage; they look exasperated. This has been going on for a while, obviously. Finally, the screaming subsides.)

HANS: So, you guys –

(The screaming begins again, only to die off a second later)

HANS: Want –

(Scream)

HANS: To –

(Scream)

HANS: Playcards?

(Scream)

JOHN: Angelina, you’re being inconsiderate to the rest of us!

ANGELINA: (Muffled) Oh, can it! Let me out of here. I have… I have a condition!

HANS: Yeah, a good ol’ case of the “Murder Chances!” Or, the shakes. It’s a tossup.

ANGELINA: (Muffled) Har-har, Hans, you’re so clever, PLEASE LET ME OUT OF HERE!

JOHN: The police will let you out when they come in a few hours.

ANGELINA: (Muffled) But my condition!

HANS: She doesn’t have a condition.

JOHN: Are you sure you have a condition, Angelina?

ANGELINA: (Muffled) YES!

HANS: Don’t trust her.

JOHN: She’s your wife!

HANS: Yeah, I know… But… I get the feeling (whispers) she’s been sneaking around my back with some other guy.

JOHN: Oh, really?

HANS: Yeah, really. How much would that suck?

JOHN: More than you will ever know, I think.

CATHERINE: I just don’t think I can stand the idea of cheating spouses. It’s just so… Wrong!

JOHN: Tell me about it. That’s why I have a wife that I love, and will love me to the bitter end.

(HANS snickers. JOHN and CATHERINE both look at him)

HANS: Oh, I was just thinking of a joke. An inappropriate joke that I cannot share.

CATHERINE: Is it the one where the actor, who is cheating with the director’s wife gets slapped in the face for being too obvious?

JOHN: I’ve never heard that one. Someone tell it.

HANS: It’s really more of a story than a joke, I think.

JOHN: Well, by all means, now I’m curious.

HANS: Well… There was this actor, and he was in this show, you see? And then, he was fooling around with the director’s wife on the side, and then she… slapped him. It’s really not that funny, once you think about it. I mean, it’s kind of bare-bones. If you give me a few minutes, I’m sure I can come up will all kinds of exciting details to embellish it.

JOHN: Nah, don’t worry about it.

CATHERINE: Hans, that story really sucked.

HANS: Well, you know, it’s just one I heard come down through the grape-vine. I read it in the back of Back-Stage Magazine, in the “Dear Back-Stage” section… “Dear Back-Stage, I never thought I’d tell anyone this, but one time, on Spring Break…”

CATHERINE: Alright, that’s enough.

(ANGELINA begins screaming again from the closet)

HANS: God, for a second I thought we were going to have some PEACE AND QUIET!

JOHN: I thought maybe we had lucked out and she died.

CATHERINE: What an awful thing to say!

ANGELINA: (Muffled) No such luck! I just screamed so much I blacked out, but now I’m ready for action!

(Screams)

HANS: I swear, if she doesn’t stop, I’m going to kill her!

JOHN: Hans, I don’t think you should really say anything like that, given the circumstances.

CATHERINE: No, no, let Hans say whatever he wants. He’s just making a total ass out of himself tonight.

HANS: Sorry, sorry.

(The screaming continues, until once again, it stops)

JOHN: So, has anyone read “The DaVinci Code?”

HANS: Yeah, I read it the other week.

JOHN: What did you think about it?

HANS: I really thought it was an excellent novel that really illustrated what a strong relationship can build between mother and daughter. When you first start reading it, there’s a huge rift between the two, but as the novel progresses, you really get a feeling, like you know why there’s this big rift between the two. It provides just enough back-story to remain interesting, and it kept me reading until the last page. It’s the last book I’ve ever cried reading.

JOHN: Hans, that’s not “The DaVinci Code.”

HANS: I’m pretty sure it is.

ANGELINA: (Muffled) That’s “The Joy Luck Club,” you idiot!

HANS: But I’ve never read “The Joy Luck Club.”

CATHERINE: Both are good books, I think… But how can you know so much about “The Joy Luck Club” if you’ve never read it.

HANS: The same reason I know the exact length of a dollar bill, or how many ridges are on a quarter.

JOHN: Well… How do you know?

HANS: Oh, I don’t know. I just do.

(JOHN sighs and buries his head in his hands, before standing)

JOHN: I have to use the bathroom.

HANS: Good luck with that.

(JOHN shrugs and walks offstage. HANS moves over, next to CATHERINE, putting his arm around her)

CATHERINE: Hans, do you really think this is the time?

HANS: No time like the present, I always say.

CATHERINE: I mean, this really isn’t the most romantic of situations…

HANS: No, but it’s filled with danger and mystique. We’re on a stage, in a theatre, where there’s a potential murderer stalking around… Doesn’t that push any of your buttons?

CATHERINE: Just the one that makes me nervous to be around you for finding this a turn on. (She moves away)

HANS: Just think, if it’s your husband, this could be the last time we can prove our love to each other!

CATHERINE: I have confidence – let go of me – that you can take my husband in any kind of a fight.

HANS: But I won’t!

CATHERINE: God, why not?

HANS: Because, that would ruin the urgency of this current situation!

CATHERINE: Hans! Just let it go, please…

HANS: There’s a murder loose and all you care about is surviving and not making out? What kind of a woman are you? Your hormones should be firing off on all pistons! I know mine are.

CATHERINE: I think that’s one of the subtle differences between us, Hans, the fact that I want to survive and you just want to get into my –

ANGELINA: (Muffled) I can hear you guys, you know.

CATHERINE: Oh, crap.

HANS: Uh, uh… Oh, God… And Scene! That was perfect, Catherine, a perfect scene… From the new play, “There’s A Murderer Loose!” (Whispers) Do you think she’s buying it?

CATHERINE: I’m not.

ANGELINA: (Muffled) I can’t believe this, Hans! How can you cheat on me like this! Oh, God, bring me my pills!

HANS: It’s not what you think, baby! She doesn’t mean anything to me! And I’m not falling for that old trick!

CATHERINE: Excuse me?

HANS: She’s nothing but a cheap floozy that I seduced to get a bigger part!

CATHERINE: Yeah, that’s what you need… A bigger part.

HANS: But it didn’t even work! I was just about to break it off to her, tonight! I swear!

(There’s silence)

HANS: Angelina?

(Silence)

CATHERINE: A cheap floozy?

HANS: I didn’t mean it. I was just trying to convince my wife that we weren’t serious.

CATHERINE: I thought you said you were leaving your wife?

HANS: Small detail, me trying to reconcile after telling you something completely different… Where the hell is John?

CATHERINE: Hans… It’s times like these that I find you absolutely… sexy.

HANS: I can explain – Come again?

CATHERINE: I love a man that just reeks of desperation. It smells like sweat, but sweeter.

HANS: What are you talking about?

(CATHERINE advances on him, as he tries to pull away)

CATHERINE: This bumbling idiocy… It’s what attracted to me you at first. You remind me of some kind of kitten, a big, gentle, good looking, stupid kitten… An ordinary Lenny Smalls, all to myself… Come here, you stud-muffin-tiger-face… And don’t retract the claws!

(CATHERINE pounces on HANS and furiously makes out with him, as JOHN walks back on stage. He pauses for a second, holding up a finger, as if he’s trying to speak. After a few moments, of trying to start sentences with nothing coming out, he turns around and heads back in the opposite direction)

HANS: (Pushing CATHERINE off) You think I’m stupid?

CATHERINE: Maybe that wasn’t the right phrasing… I meant… Simple. Like farmers are simple, or the Royal Bloodline… It’s not an insult, it’s really something regal…

HANS: Oh, please take that back.

CATHERINE: You’re my king, Hans.

HANS: (Finally melting) And you, my queen.

(JOHN walks back onstage)

JOHN: Queen? Of…

HANS: Indonesia. We’re running a scene from the new smash-hit play “You… Are My Queen… Of Indonesia.”

JOHN: Hm… I haven’t read it, but you sounded very convincing. I’ll contact the play house tomorrow and see if they can send a copy over, especially since this fiasco is guaranteed to shut our production down.

HANS: You think I can have the lead?

(CATHERINE sighs, once again realizing just how stupid HANS is)

JOHN: Sure! I mean, it seems like you already have some of the lines down pat. There was such conviction in the “You are my queen” that you just delivered. I don’t think there’s any other actor in the world that can steal the show like that.

HANS: Wow… John, I never thought I would see the day you would give me a chance.

CATHERINE: What’s going on with Angelina? I haven’t heard her in a while.

HANS: She probably just screamed herself asleep again.

JOHN: When was the last time you all heard from her?

HANS: About three minutes ago.

JOHN: Was she saying anything?

CATHERINE, HANS: No.

JOHN: Just screaming?

CATHERINE, HANS: Yes.

(JOHN takes a seat. They sit in silence for a minute)

JOHN: Let’s play a game.

HANS: What game?

JOHN: Have you ever played, “Never have I ever?”

HANS: No. What is it?

CATHERINE: Oh, God…

JOHN: Well, we all put a hand up, with all five fingers out. And, let’s say I go first. I say, “Never have I ever wet my bed.” Now, I’ve never wet my bed, so I don’t have to put a finger down, but if you have, you have to put a finger down.

HANS: For each time?

JOHN: Uh… No. And that was just hypothetical, Hans, you can put your fingers back up.

HANS: Oh, okay. This sounds fun, I think.

CATHERINE: (Under her breath) Here come the barbs.

JOHN: Who wants to start? (Without giving anyone else a chance) No one? All right, looks like it’ll be up to me. Never have I ever not directed a John Zimmer production.

(CATHERINE and HANS look at each other, before putting one finger down)

JOHN: Your turn, Hans.

HANS: Never have I ever eaten an entire block of cheese.

(HANS puts a finger down, while CATHERINE and JOHN leave theirs up)

CATHERINE: Hans, the point of the game is to keep your fingers up.

HANS: Oh… I got it now.

CATHERINE: My turn. Never have I ever initiated a stupid game and thrown away the first question to make it look like it was all going to be in good fun, when really I intend to make fun of a grown man who might not even realize what I’m doing.

HANS: Can you say that again? You went a bit fast.

(JOHN puts a finger down)

JOHN: Never have I ever lied to my spouse.

(All three put a finger down)

HANS: Never have I ever murdered someone.

(Everyone stares at HANS in disbelief)

HANS: Well, I thought it might be a good way to flush out the killer!

CATHERINE: Never have I ever regretted being married.

(All three put fingers down. HANS is down to two, CATHERINE and JOHN still have three up)

JOHN: Never have I ever used my position as director’s wife to get a role in a play.

(CATHERINE leaves her finger up)

HANS: Never have I ever consumed a bottle of mouthwash… On a dare.

(HANS puts a finger down)

CATHERINE: Never have I ever cast my wife in a play so I could keep an eye on her and make sure she didn’t go behind my back with another man.

(JOHN puts a finger down.)

JOHN: Never have I ever feigned appreciation in being in one of my husband’s plays just so I could be around another man.

(CATHERINE drops a finger)

HANS: Never have I ever –

CATHERINE: Never have I ever stopped loving my wife.

(JOHN keeps his fingers up, while HANS drops his last one)

JOHN: Never have I ever stopped loving my husband.

(CATHERINE drops her last finger)

JOHN: I think I need to use the rest room again.

(JOHN stands and exits)

HANS: What a confusing game. I really don’t think I understand how to play.

(CATHERINE has her head buried in her hands.)

HANS: Hey, hey, are you alright?

CATHERINE: No, I’m really not.

HANS: Why?

CATHERINE: Because… I just realized, for the first time tonight that I stopped loving my husband. I feel cold.

HANS: Come here… (CATHERINE scoots over next to HANS, who puts his arm around her.) I’m sorry, Catherine.

CATHERINE: It’s not your fault… I just thought what we were doing was for fun, Hans.

HANS: It may be fun for you… But, I think I may have deeper feelings than that for you, Catherine.

CATHERINE: Really?

HANS: I may not understand how to play “Never Have I Ever” but I’m pretty sure I know this feeling.

(CATHERINE kisses HANS on the cheek, resting her head on his shoulder)

CATHERINE: Hans, did you kill Avery?

HANS: No.

CATHERINE: Do you think John did?

HANS: I don’t know…

CATHERINE: Did you kill Chance?

HANS: No!

(JOHN walks back on stage. CATHERINE and HANS quickly separate.)

JOHN: I’ve got some good news and some bad news, guys… Which do you want first?

(HANS and CATHERINE look at each other.)

HANS: Uh… Good news?

JOHN: We don’t have to worry about Angelina killing anyone again.

CATHERINE: Really?

JOHN: Yeah.

HANS: Why?

JOHN: It looks like she died in the closet.

CATHERINE: What?!

JOHN: I went to check on her, and when I opened the door, she was collapsed against the wall. I checked for her pulse, but there was nothing. She’s… Gone.

HANS: Oh, no…

CATHERINE: Was she poisoned?

JOHN: No, I think the solution is a little simpler than that. Hans, did she have a condition?

HANS: Well, yeah, she was yelling about it while she was in there… But… It’s just anxiety attacks. She has her pills for those. She usually takes one and they go away.

JOHN: Well, where are her pills?

(The group looks over at the table, where the purse is turned over. Standing up on the table is the bottle of pills)

JOHN: I think… Normally, it wouldn’t have done anything, but under the stress, I think the anxiety may have induced an asthma attack.

HANS: What? How can you be sure?

JOHN: Her face was purple.

CATHERINE: Ew…

JOHN: What I don’t understand is why she didn’t call out to someone to bring her the pills.

HANS: Oh… Uh… She did.

JOHN: Why didn’t you bring them to her?!

HANS: Because I thought she was just trying to get out! What if she got out and killed me, or Catherine, or you?

JOHN: Oh, that’s logical. A woman suffering from anxiety and a bladder problem is going to overcome the medical difficulties and stage a late-game comeback… There’s no reason she would actually need the pills.

HANS: I’m sorry!

JOHN: Yeah, well… Not good enough this time, Hans! You killed your wife, man!

HANS: I didn’t kill her.

JOHN: What you did was criminal negligence, Hans. There’s not a court in the world that won’t convict you.

CATHERINE: But they would take into account the events of tonight, John… This hasn’t been the most normal evening we’ve ever faced, has it?

HANS: I didn’t mean to –

JOHN: Well what you meant to do, and what you ended up doing were two different things, Hans! Can you be more dense? You remove the murder weapon from a crime scene, you don’t bring your own wife her medicine when she’s calling for it… I don’t understand what’s going on in your head, Hans!

HANS: Just leave me alone, man. This is just getting stupid.

JOHN: I walked in on you and Catherine, when you were… Snogging.

CATHERINE: What?

JOHN: Yeah. I didn’t want to say anything. Didn’t want to ruin the moment for you two. Someone deserved to enjoy the night, I suppose.

CATHERINE: John, I –

JOHN: Just don’t say anything.

CATHERINE: But I –

HANS: John, I’m just irresistible to women. I’m sorry, man –

JOHN: Don’t be. I was seeing Angelina.

HANS: WHAT?!

JOHN: Yeah. She said something about not being able to stand a man with the IQ mayonnaise in the sun.

HANS: Oh, that’s just –

CATHERINE: John, shut up.

JOHN: Don’t tell me what to do, Catherine. I’m the director, remember?

CATHERINE: One that can’t even fill a house, when the admission is free. That just shows you what a good “director” you really are, John. Take a step back and realize that you’re just wasting your life, and you’re dragging down the same group of trusting actors every time. You need to get over yourself, John, because you’re only allowed to ruin one life; your own.

HANS: Guys, come on. We’re all tired, we’re all saying things we don’t mean –

JOHN: Hans, I’m going to tell you something. You’re currently in love with a Harpy.

HANS: She’s not a Harpy, don’t say –

CATHERINE: Better to be in love with a Harpy than to be in love with an incompetent tool!

JOHN: Care to rephrase that, honey? Hans isn’t the sharpest –

HANS: Come on, guys!

CATHERINE: You know, I bet you killed Avery!

JOHN: Oh, you would love that, wouldn’t you? To be able to pin the murder of one of the actors on me? Send me to jail, take all my assets, run away with Hans, it’d be a neat little package if I went to prison. How do I know you didn’t kill them?

CATHERINE: You’re joking!

JOHN: I’m not joking, Catherine. If I were to go to prison, it would solve all of your problems for you, and you know it would! What if you set this whole thing up just to send me away?

CATHERINE: You’re off your nut, John. Chance and Avery, they were my friends! I would do anything to escape your clutches except murder two people who don’t deserve it!

JOHN: Oh, you wouldn’t. What if you said something in passing to Hans, and he hatched the idea all on his lonesome to kill them? He has access to the knife, the pills –

CATHERINE: Anyone had access to those things! The knife was in Hans’ jacket and the pills were in her purse, both of which were in the dressing room –

JOHN: And the motive! Taking me out of the picture would have been all too nice, eh, Hans?

HANS: John, I wouldn’t –

JOHN: Don’t bother. We’re all going to go our separate ways in the morning, and the police will do the best they can to put together the puzzle pieces of this bungled mess, and one of us will go to prison.

HANS: We’re not going to prison!

CATHERINE: I didn’t kill anyone!

JOHN: Well I didn’t either, and I doubt Hans is going to plea that he did. It’s for the police to decide now.

CATHERINE: FINE!

JOHN: FINE!

HANS: Oh, man…

(CATHERINE and JOHN take to opposite sides of the stage, sitting down. HANS is in the middle hands in pockets. After a few moments, HANS begins to whistle. A tumbleweed rolls across stage.)

JOHN: No, no, I have it.

CATHERINE: What?

JOHN: A way none of us will have to go to prison.

HANS: What is it?

JOHN: We can… We can make it look like… Angelina did all of it.

HANS: What?

JOHN: We can make it look like she was in love with Avery and killed Chance because of it, and killed Avery in the heat of the moment… It wouldn’t be too hard. All we would have to do is move the bodies.

CATHERINE: But that doesn’t explain Angelina being dead…

JOHN: Any detective worth his salt would be able to put the pieces together, even if there are a few border pieces missing.

HANS: No, man, you can’t do that.

JOHN: Why not?

HANS: She was my wife, John, you can’t just do that to her… What would her family think?

JOHN: I really don’t care what her family would think, Hans, I’m just trying to get us out of this situation unscathed.

HANS: I can’t let you pin this all on her, man… I just can’t.

JOHN: Hans, I’m not going to let you stop me. This needs to be done.

HANS: No… I won’t let you dishonor her like this, John. It won’t stand.

CATHERINE: John, he’s right. You can’t just… pin this all on her. It’s not right.

JOHN: Oh, it’s not right? One of us is going to be put away for a long time, Catherine, in case you’ve forgotten… Is there any justice in that? All three of us insist that we’re innocent, Catherine, so one innocent person is going to dance in the wind. What’s more fair, an innocent person being put away, or the three of us walking out of here, secure in the thought that they can’t trace this.

CATHERINE: It sounds nice, John, but I don’t think I would be able to live with myself. Angelina was our friend.

JOHN: You know, somehow, I think you’ll make it through this just fine.

(HANS pulls the knife out of his jacket, holding it out)

HANS: I can’t let you do this, John. She was my wife.

JOHN: Hans, put the knife down. You’re just getting your prints all of a primary evidence piece.

HANS: No, John, I just… I’m stupid. I get it, alright, I’m dumb. I play the dumb character well, that’s why I never get a big part. I’m… Not bright, I understand that. But I can’t just let you take my wife and pin this all on her. I know that much.

JOHN: Hans, you’re going to have to stop me.

HANS: I really don’t want to, John –

JOHN: Then don’t.

HANS: But I have to.

CATHERINE: Just calm down, you two –

JOHN: Can it, you stupid whore.

CATHERINE: You’re just tense… Let’s just –

(HANS cries out and runs across stage, holding the knife. A struggle ensues while JOHN tries to keep the knife away from his face. HANS and JOHN both tumble behind the sofa, and the knife is raised, again and again. There’s coughing, and the sound of struggle is heard again. JOHN appears over the sofa, before being pulled down. HANS appears over the sofa, before being pulled down. The knife rises into the air again. JOHN emerges, collapsing over the sofa)

CATHERINE: John… What did you do?

(JOHN drops the knife on the table)

JOHN: I… I just defended myself, dear.

CATHERINE: Is Hans –

JOHN: His solitary brain cell is probably shutting down as we speak.

(CATHERINE collapses backwards, onto the loveseat, staring in disbelief at JOHN)

JOHN: I did what I had to do, Catherine. He came at me, I defended myself… Any sane man would have done it –

CATHERINE: He was DEFENDING his dead wife, John!

JOHN: It… It doesn’t matter anymore. The pieces, they’re going to fall into place, just like I said they would. It’ll get pinned on Angelina, and we can walk away.

CATHERINE: I don’t want to walk away, John, I want to know… Did you kill Avery?

JOHN: (Sighs) No. I swear, the only person I… I hurt tonight, was Hans.

CATHERINE: Don’t be so sure…

JOHN: Did you… Did you hurt anybody?

CATHERINE: No.

JOHN: How am I supposed to believe you?

CATHERINE: The same way I believe you. I don’t.

JOHN: Yes, yes… After love…

CATHERINE: After love, there is nothing.

(They sit for a moment, before JOHN reaches down and picks up the knife. He looks at the handle for a moment, before turning around, and lifting an arm from behind the sofa. He looks at the knife.)

JOHN: Oh, God….

CATHERINE: What?

JOHN: Oh…

CATHERINE: What?!

JOHN: Chance’s nail-polish is on the handle of the knife.

CATHERINE: What does that mean?

JOHN: … I think it means she killed Avery.

CATHERINE: She killed… She killed him?

JOHN: I think so.

CATHERINE: What about her?

JOHN: … Maybe Avery poisoned her before rehearsal started… Took the pills out of Angelina’s purse…

CATHERINE: You mean –

JOHN: It was –

CATHERINE: It could have been –

JOHN: Avoided, yes.

CATHERINE: What are we going to do?

(JOHN checks his watch)

JOHN: It’s a minute before the janitors are supposed to come in…

(JOHN and CATHERINE sit back on their chairs. JOHN drops the knife to the table, his arms and hands covered in blood. As they sit and stare at each other, they realize that nothing will ever be the same between them, as husband and wife, as friends. Their entire night, the night of accusations, the night of murder, could have ended if someone had looked at the knife. As they stare at each other, a door opening is heard offstage. Onstage walks a Janitor, in full-grey uniform.)

JANITOR: Hey, guys, how is the play coming – Holy crap.

(The JANITOR turns and leaves, the door shutting behind him, the lights gradually going down as the light pouring from outside the door is gradually cut off.)

BLACKOUT.

END.

Re: Rehearsal: Part 1 (A comic murder mystery)

Do you mean Chance here? (this is in Act 1, part 2), just ctrl+f it.
CATHERINE: Well, Chase was telling me the other week that she was CPR certified and –

Favorite line:
CATHERINE: Yeah, that’s what you need… A bigger part.

Part 2:
JOHN: Hans, put the knife down. You’re just getting your prints all of a primary evidence piece.

Funny thing- I've actually read the Joy Luck Club. Weird.

About the janitor-shouldn't he be running off the stage screaming or something? Turning and leaving seems too calm under the circumstances. It was probably tough to find a good ending, but I liked it. Took me 30 mins to read the last 2 sections, but worth it.

Re: Rehearsal: Part 1 (A comic murder mystery)

Hilarious.

And very long to read.

Re: Rehearsal: Part 1 (A comic murder mystery)


You're absolutley right about the Chase/Chance switchup and the primary evidence thingy.

The end of this went through so many revisions that I felt the best way to end what began as a comedy and fell heavy on the drama in the second half, would be for the morning crew, who is talked about all through the play, being an elderly janitor, whose only response to the carnage would be, "Holy crap!" And going to notify the police.

I actually edited this piece, and I changed the ending very slightly. John has a heart attack after finding the real murderer, and Catherine won't give him his medicine, and he dies. I also changed a few of the lines for flow and humor reasons, but overall, I don't think it'd be worth it to post the entire edit simply because you probably wouldn't notice the changes or anything, they were only things that stuck out to me like sore thumbs.

Mal