I think that one day, when we all die, if we’ve sinned against God, we will be sent to a grocery store in the belly of hell, because that my friends, is the most painful place that you can be at any given time for a number of reasons. Let me just clarify right now, it’s not always painful all of the time, but when it is, it’s like pouring salt onto an open wound that you have on your cornea.
Most trips to the grocery store are a food purchasing endeavor. Short, sweet, and filled with the sustenance you will need to get through the next set of days until you have to play the game again and head to the store. It’s a gamble, each time you go: It can either be a moderately pleasing experience or no fun at all.
First and foremost, it’s guaranteed you won’t have a good time at the grocery store if you’re low on money. You see a lot of food you can’t buy and that makes you angry. If you’re with a friend that has money, you want to beat them up and take their money and then buy food (this isn’t a good idea, unless you hit them so hard they get amnesia). There are things in the grocery store that are so overpriced that it’s a wonder they even sell, until you look over at people that have a steady income and realize what exactly you’re doing wrong.
So, that’s a guaranteed hell every time if you have no money. Another is if you have expired coupons, but that’s not so bad, unless you’re so low on money that you have to use coupons and then it just gets frustrating. Or if they store has been having a sale every day that ends the day you finally have enough money to save money by using the sale.
But those aren’t as bad as the one whammy that everyone looks out for when they go grocery shopping. I’m talking about the awkward art of aisle selection and how it can be damning.
First Law: You go to the store, you walk in, you decide to start at the produce and make your way to deli. So far, so good. But what’s this? Down one aisle is an ex-girlfriend/person you have no desire to see but due to the restrictions of social law, you’re forced to offer a half wave. You then proceed past them down the aisle, picking up the can of E-Z Cheez while they walk in the opposite direction. Not bad yet.
Until you get to the next aisle and holy crap, there they are again! Isn’t that wonderful? No? Are you sure? Repeat for the other four aisles. You even think you can get away by going down the pet-products aisle because you know that he/she/it doesn’t have a pet and that would offset the time frame just enough to miss them every aisle from there on out. But no, they got a gerbil for Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa that they need food for.
That’s just one of the situations.
Second Law: The other, much worse, is when you’re running around the store looking for things and the law of gravity brings you two together over and over and over and over again until one of you loses an electron and melds with the floor. The violent bouncing motion is enough to make an astronaut vomit their kidneys onto the shiny floor, but it’s bound to happen; it’s one of the laws of the store.
Finally, the third and last law: You decide to start at deli and head to produce, going against the set grain of grocery shopping canon. Even if you run into someone, they wouldn’t be caught dead heading in the wrong direction in the grocery store, no! So you become socially defunct to avoid that singular person that you may run into, but it’s a good gamble. If you run into something, you’ll only see them once and then have the whole rotten ordeal done with.
And there it is. You run into them, politely say hi and wipe the sweat from your brow as you head away. Oh, but you forgot the turkey. Gotta head back. Run into them again. They say something witty about stalking them, you smile and restrain the urge to punch them so hard their stomach becomes a diamond. And it continues. You forget something, they forgot something, either way, the bouncing of molecules begins again and before you know it, starving seems like a perfectly acceptable solution to the problem.
A little addendum to the three laws of grocery store-botics:
A human being may choose the shortest line, and not only will it take the longest, you will inevitably have the one person you don’t want to see in the store take up the space behind you and then comment on every item that you have. “Folgers? Why don’t you go with Maxwell House? Good to the last drop, a-ha-a-ha-hurk!”
Which is why when you die, and you’ve sinned, you’ll go to a grocery store filled with people you know but don’t want to really talk to. Especially exes. They’re the pits.
If this isn’t a deterrent for atheism, I don’t know what is.
Mal
Most trips to the grocery store are a food purchasing endeavor. Short, sweet, and filled with the sustenance you will need to get through the next set of days until you have to play the game again and head to the store. It’s a gamble, each time you go: It can either be a moderately pleasing experience or no fun at all.
First and foremost, it’s guaranteed you won’t have a good time at the grocery store if you’re low on money. You see a lot of food you can’t buy and that makes you angry. If you’re with a friend that has money, you want to beat them up and take their money and then buy food (this isn’t a good idea, unless you hit them so hard they get amnesia). There are things in the grocery store that are so overpriced that it’s a wonder they even sell, until you look over at people that have a steady income and realize what exactly you’re doing wrong.
So, that’s a guaranteed hell every time if you have no money. Another is if you have expired coupons, but that’s not so bad, unless you’re so low on money that you have to use coupons and then it just gets frustrating. Or if they store has been having a sale every day that ends the day you finally have enough money to save money by using the sale.
But those aren’t as bad as the one whammy that everyone looks out for when they go grocery shopping. I’m talking about the awkward art of aisle selection and how it can be damning.
First Law: You go to the store, you walk in, you decide to start at the produce and make your way to deli. So far, so good. But what’s this? Down one aisle is an ex-girlfriend/person you have no desire to see but due to the restrictions of social law, you’re forced to offer a half wave. You then proceed past them down the aisle, picking up the can of E-Z Cheez while they walk in the opposite direction. Not bad yet.
Until you get to the next aisle and holy crap, there they are again! Isn’t that wonderful? No? Are you sure? Repeat for the other four aisles. You even think you can get away by going down the pet-products aisle because you know that he/she/it doesn’t have a pet and that would offset the time frame just enough to miss them every aisle from there on out. But no, they got a gerbil for Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa that they need food for.
That’s just one of the situations.
Second Law: The other, much worse, is when you’re running around the store looking for things and the law of gravity brings you two together over and over and over and over again until one of you loses an electron and melds with the floor. The violent bouncing motion is enough to make an astronaut vomit their kidneys onto the shiny floor, but it’s bound to happen; it’s one of the laws of the store.
Finally, the third and last law: You decide to start at deli and head to produce, going against the set grain of grocery shopping canon. Even if you run into someone, they wouldn’t be caught dead heading in the wrong direction in the grocery store, no! So you become socially defunct to avoid that singular person that you may run into, but it’s a good gamble. If you run into something, you’ll only see them once and then have the whole rotten ordeal done with.
And there it is. You run into them, politely say hi and wipe the sweat from your brow as you head away. Oh, but you forgot the turkey. Gotta head back. Run into them again. They say something witty about stalking them, you smile and restrain the urge to punch them so hard their stomach becomes a diamond. And it continues. You forget something, they forgot something, either way, the bouncing of molecules begins again and before you know it, starving seems like a perfectly acceptable solution to the problem.
A little addendum to the three laws of grocery store-botics:
A human being may choose the shortest line, and not only will it take the longest, you will inevitably have the one person you don’t want to see in the store take up the space behind you and then comment on every item that you have. “Folgers? Why don’t you go with Maxwell House? Good to the last drop, a-ha-a-ha-hurk!”
Which is why when you die, and you’ve sinned, you’ll go to a grocery store filled with people you know but don’t want to really talk to. Especially exes. They’re the pits.
If this isn’t a deterrent for atheism, I don’t know what is.
Mal
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